That's Just How I Roll

Hey, might you wonder what my New Year's resolution this year will be? It is, to not make any more New Year's resolutions.

I think I can keep this one.

Have a Happy New Year!

I'm Sorry, This Isn't A New Year's Post

My my, sometimes, oh... sometimes my friends' friends just piss the crap out of me

Happy Xmas (war is over)

Well, it's the eve of Christmas. If you don't have anything better to do, go rent one of these holiday classics. They are sure to put you into the Christmassy mood or atleast, make you laugh. Here are my top five favorite Christmas movies:

5. I'll Be Home For Christmas



Don't laugh. This movie is a classic. I don't why I watched it the first time, but I got hooked. The kid from Home Improvement does his best work and the girl from 7th Heaven isn't horrible either. I consider this movie a pleasurable vice. Try it. It's got the rich nostalgic feeling people need this time of year.

4. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation



I used to think this movie was the funniest thing around. But now it doesn't seem so. Although year after year, I still watch it and year after year, it just gets stupider. However, this year I watched it and there are still parts that crack me up. Part of the humorous elements of the movie is the dialogue. Chevy Chase is the real deal and this movie is surely going to lighten the holiday stress.

3. A Christmas Story



The hilarious tale of a young boy and his dream to get a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. Chaos ensues for this family and this movie is truly a classic. When I saw this movie as a kid, I thought because it took place in the 40's it was made that long ago, but I was wrong. Released in 1983, this movie depicts the antics of a typical family during the winter season. Maybe it reminds us all of our own childhood Christmas wishes and that's why it's so addicting.

2. The Grinch



I never thought it could have been done. Making a classic book and wonderful animated special into a live-action, full length film, but it happened and the Christmas season is better for it. Ron Howard adapts this short cartoon into a compelling and heartfelt movie. Jim Carey owns this role and I'm pretty sure that no one else could have played the Grinch besides him. Plus, the little girl that plays Cindy Lou Who is adorable.

1. The Santa Clause



Probably my favorite Christmas movie ever. I have loved this new twist on the Christmas tradition of Santa since it was released. It didn't need a sequel, but that's another story all together. Like I said, this film expounds upon the traditional holiday story with a new twist: how they get a new Santa every year. Tim Allen is fantastic as Santa and I enjoy this movie because of his excellent acting.

Because I'm Too Lazy or Busy

I leave you with another Christmas thought not my own today. It is a poem that I love and is best enjoyed when done by Pedro The Lion:

Christmas Bells by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Another Word About Nostalgia

I don't even know any of the details (which is so unlike me), but this song was a favorite of mine prior to me moving to New Orleans. Now having lived there and forcefully made to move, it is one of my all time favorites. As I indicated above, I don't know who wrote it or even sung it originally, but in my opinion, it is best enjoyed when Louis Armstrong is doing the singing.

Christmas in New Orleans

Magnolia trees at night
Sparkling bright
Fields of cotton look
Wintry white
When it's Christmas time in New Orleans

A barefoot choir in prayer fills the air
Mississippi folks gathering there
Cause it's Christmas time in New Orleans

You'll see a Dixieland
Santa Claus
Leading the band to a good old
Creole beat
Golly what a spirit, you can only hear it
Down on Basin Street
Your cares will disappear,
When you hear, Hallelujah, St. Nicholas is here
When it's Christmas time in New Orleans

Magnolia trees at night
Sparkling bright
Fields of cotton look
Wintry white
When it's Christmas time in New Orleans

A barefoot choir in prayer fills the air
Mississippi folks gathering there
Cause it's Christmas time in New Orleans

One Year Ago

Sometimes I enjoy reminding myself of the old days. Nostalgia is one of my favorite human moments. Today, one year ago, marks the day I quit Laurel Oaks Behavioral Health Center. I still can't express just how glad I was to be done there. Look, the first sentence of my post about the last night of work summarizes the thoughts I was thinking as soon as I left the place:

As I write, I am sitting on the floor in my living room, trying to get my life in order.

"Trying to get my life in order?" Was it really in disarray? I was going home to my folks' house for a month, going back to Graceville for a week, going to Tennessee for Chase and Donna's wedding, then moving to New Orleans. How was it out-of-wack? I knew it exactly where my life was going. Perhaps feeling anxiety about my career choice for the previous 365 days was indicating something to me. As mentioned previously, leaving there was a sigh of relief. No more would I have to put up with those particular "crazy kids." I'm sure then, and even now, I realize that I will probably forever have to put up with crazy kids. But, leaving there was a rite of passage, sort of; it was a transitional period. I like transitional periods, for the most part.

Again, a year later, I find myself caught in a transitional time again. Although, this one has to last for another six to eight months. Although today I took my last final and my last day of work for two and a half weeks, I still know I have to go back. Although, some days I miss Laurel Oaks and wonder if it was really that bad? Although, I still hurt and think, "Man, this has been a crazy four months." Although I am still far from where I want to be.

I find myself looking forward to the next transitional period. The Christmas seasons causes you to be reflective. I hope I do something with my reflection and remember it my next transitional time.

Finish reading my thoughts from a year ago, here

My Heart's Desire

I've seen it online before and now I've seen it up close, and I think I've fallen in figurative 'love' with the Nikon Coolpix 5600. Weighing in at one pound, this sleek camera offers a lot of cool features. The most famous of these features is Nikon's pattoned Red-Eye Reduction, but there are other ones cooler than this.


As the model number indicates, this camera boasts a 5.0 Megapixal capability on a 1.8 inch LCD display. It's optical zoom is 3x and has some really cool shooting modes. It also has an A/V out, so you can do slide shows and review pictures on your TV instantly without having to be near a PC. The A/V out is a personal favorite of mine.



Thanks for all your suggestions. I've informed my folks that I wanted this one and I believe that's what I am getting from my parents, though one can never tell.

This is the last week of work and online classes. Oh God, how I wish it would all end! Now, Lord, now...

If You Were Me

I am asking for a digital camera for Christmas from my parents. While this will be my first digital, it is not my first camera. I am looking to spend between $200 - $300. I am looking at Nikon, Cannon, HP, and Kodak. Any personal recommendations?

Well, Joe...

This is in reference to Joe's comment.

Sometimes, when I write, I can say things like this means this or that means that. I can say, for instance, that I had a terrible day. Or, on the flip side, if I like a girl, I can write about how her qualities are endearing to me. You see. I can always write things that make sense and I'm comfortable admitting (the latter being the far more important security issue).

Then, there are times, like yesterday, when I cannot write the things I am thinking or I haven't any substantial thoughts that particular day, so I write vague and cryptic passages. The reason these feelings can't be expressed is because they are too personal or they are about somebody who too many people that read this will know about. That's the reasoning behind the cryptic post(s).

I suppose a third option would be that when I write cryptically, part of me is just trying to work through the thoughts, while doing it outside of my head. This is helpful, as I'm sure you know.

So, what does yesterday's post mean? Guess! Your choices include:

A). Girls
B). Spirituality
C). Job and work situations
D). The economic failure and middle-class status of life in Singapore

Good luck. When you finish, put your pencils down and sit quietly.

On Zip Codes and Telescopes

In my chance to procrastinate some tonight, I come to a blank space with a cursor blinking in a time signature of 2/4. How relevant is this to my life? Much more than I can anticipate. My gaze focuses in and out like a telescope lens--just waiting to capture something not within the eyes view. How parallel is my life to that objective? Far more obvious than one would expect it to be. Distance measured in space and time is far more confusing than physics honors final exam essay questions. Yet, they are usually the same thing. Sensibility is measured. The rule, being without the answer key, is just another typed page in a printer tray. How does one go about measuring these quandaries contained within a self-limited container (such as a letter, test, or hand written note offering an apology)? Is it because it's me? Wait... too many questions don't offer enough answers or resolutions. To be the epitome of something more than the worst is oft the driving point is sales. To live without worrying about zip codes is err. If coerced to think that, without already knowing the summation of the story, one might go along in life unconcerned with anything less than previous intentions, one might just be way too foolish. Also, that one might die alone. Don't let me die alone. For living alone is hard enough.

Don't Tell Me What You Care About, For I Know The Real Reasons Behind Your Treason, or: Why Can't I Stop Lying To Myself

So, here's the plan. I started out a semester in August. Then, I had said semester put on hold. Then, the first week of October, I started a reformatted version of that semester, with only a 10 week base. Now, with a week in a half left within current semester, I have to do the prior 8 weeks of work that I have put off until this moment. Now, this is my current distraction, thus the reason for nothing being written except this stupid explanation, which is just wasting more of my time. I digress...

i'm a moron

Okay, so I've had comment verification on, but I didn't put an email address, so I had no idea anyone was commenting. I'm sorry to the eleven of you who said something these past 2 weeks or so and it wouldn't publish your comment. Please, now, all who see this... comment away!

Four Tickets To Christmas

If you are in Brevard County this weekend, you should come out to a Christmas musical, Four Tickets To Christmas. It will be held at Eau Gallie First Baptist Church (on Eau Gallie Boulevard, diagonal from Eau Gallie High School). If for any other reason, you get to see me singing in the chorus line. Show times are as follows:

Friday ......... 12/2 - 7:00 PM
Saturday ....... 12/3 - 7:00 PM
Sunday ......... 12/4 - 3:00 PM

Admission Is Free!

Once Comes Down, All Goes 'Round

It was three months ago today that Hurricane Katrina swept the Gulf Coast, my life and the lives of many other people. It's hard to believe that so much has changed. Life does feel normal sometimes, but I don't usually like this feeling of normality. I'm enjoying my "venture." Some days, though, I just wish things could be like they were before.

A creepy news side note: An eighteen year old kid in Melbourne, Florida shot his Dad and Step-Mom today at 4:30 AM. The location? The house across the street from mine! I didn't hear the gun shots this morning, but when I left for work, I saw the many hundreds of feet covered by news vans, police, and neighbors. I watched the news tonight and it was very chilly to see my neighborhood. Pray for the family. The guy spared his seven year old sister, who incidentally, was the one who called the police. Craziness.

Of Me, And The Rest

I feel so egocentric. I have nothing to say. This is one of the few times in my life where my blog has suffered due to writer's block. It's not as if I don't have thoughts of my own. I just can't expel those thoughts from my mind and transpose them to punched-keys on a keyboard. This is it. Yay.

Happy Thanksgiving

A present for you: a new template. Aren't you happy? It reflects my constant state of melancholia these past few weeks. Or, it's just a tribute to Let It Be. I'll let you decide. Thanks to Joe for the design and helping me get it on here.

Well, here we are, another year to be thankful. I think today should be a day of remembrance, thankfulness, and gratitude. But, it also should be a day of joy. Be happy, be glad, be... quam pon tae [there is no translation for this word]! Don't just be thankful and remember those who have less than you. Do something for those who have less than you. I need to do this as well.

Anyway, have a pleasant day. My family and I are having turkey, collard greens, dressing, gravy, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie with whip cream--just like the pilgrims had.

Jim Morrison Was My Favorite Door

Orchestrations give new meaning to the serenity deep down inside of my pathetic structure. I wasn't sure before where this life was leading. Now I'm pretty certain of my destiny. It's true, who ever holds it all together is better than I. But, what can I say? I'm just in denial.

Sing songs of sadness as long as you're alive. What's left to sing when you're dead? Nothing more than those repetitious verses of top 40 tunes that you can't get out of your head.

Socrates didn't play with Play-doh. I'm so lucky to have. It was more than dreams could reveal to me. Yet when I'm all alone, by myself, I think more of Plato.

Mo' money, mo' problems? Yeah, that’s how it be [is]. I guess that is why all those homeless folk are problem free?

Popularity in culture doesn't key you into the clues that you might be misunderstood in your steady style of living with your sleek lights and desired lionization complicated through iconic misrepresentation.

Reprobation. That's what I deserve. Prohibition. That was not a good idea. Reconciliation. That's making amends. Propitiation. That's something I never do.

This doesn't mean that I like you. I barely can stand to look at me. Is that alarming? Do I need your sympathy? I do not need what I cannot obtain. Or so I say. I've lived in ignorance for so long, arrogance just doesn't seem wrong. Arrogant about being ignorant? Now that's ideal for me.

Help! I Need Somebody!

I...can't...breathe. I'm drowning--can't handle life right now. It's just too much. I'm drowning where there is no water...

Prolegomena



Since I've showed everyone pictures of the destruction from New Orleans, I thought it would be nice to show you some of the rebuilding efforts happening. New Orleans Seminary will be updating the progress that is being made on campus. Weekly updates and pictures can be found here, just in case you wanna looksie. These two pictures are kind of personal to me because, well, it was my building on campus and will probably be my home again soon.



This is from inside a room. This is after it had been gutted.



The hallway of what I'm guessing is the first floor of Hamilton Hall after being chemically cleaned.

Tis This Season

Sarcastic lyrics from sad songs like this almost make me feel happy, which is ironic. If I still feel crappy come Christmas, these are the only types of songs I will be singing this year.

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out by Fall Out Boy

"These are your good years
Don't take my advice
You never wanted the nice boys anyway
And I'm of good cheer
Cause I've been checking my list
The gifts you're receiving from me
Will be

One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year
Is for you to dedicate your
Last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive

Don't come home for Christmas
You're the last thing I wanna see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less"

Featured on the wonderful A Santa Cause album.

You Know

Even as I get older, I still realize I have a lot of growing up to do. It's scary. One moment, I think I'm getting there. Another, my pride gets crumbled. Really, everybody thinks they are right. Almost all the time, too. It's those situations when you realize that you could be wrong--whatever it is--when you begin to question the way things are. I don't want to admit when I'm wrong, but sometimes I do. And I think, I'm to the point where I would know if I'm just being defensive, or if I have a genuine reason to feel the way I do. Then again, everyone seems justified in their defense don't they? Maybe one day we'll all find out who was right. Sometimes, I'm even glad to find out it's not me.

I'll rejoin putting my hands over my face now.

Asi Asi

I'm going to write a letter to someone who is sort of a friend. I want it to be cool and sound good and all that. But I want it to speak the truth. There is something very rare about receiving a letter that is soley nothing but truth. It's hard believing there is such a thing as the undeniably right way of doing something. I hope I have the ability to do that, write that, and live that. I hope.

Answering Philosophical Questions With a 90's Teen Sitcom

As I was watching my newly acquired copy of Saved By The Bell: Seasons 1 & 2 the other day, I came across this funny, yet thought probing dialogue between A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez) and Mr. Belding (Dennis Haskins). Slater's pet chameleon, Artie, had died and Mr. Belding was trying to console him.



Mr. Belding: Always hard to lose someone you love, isn't it son?

A.C. Slater: It just isn't fair.

Mr. Belding: Well life isn't always fair, and neither is death... But, that's life.

Keep On Eating Your Ideologies;
That's All You Are Good For.

Today I visited the local Flea Market and it was fabulous. I don't think I could ever be with a girl who didn't, at least, like going there occasionally. Some even. Here are six records I got for ten bucks:

Miles Davis- Kind of Blue
Miles Davis- Bitches Brew
Miles Davis- The Man With The Horn
Bob Dylan- Nashville Skyline
Bob Dylan- Blood On The Tracks
Lou Reed- Transformer

Thoughts From A Typical Atypical

I am tired these days and I haven't had much to say. I'm sorry I've been slacking in my responsibility of manning this site. Nothing much has happened. I don't expect that to rise or fall or really do anything at all. Life is fine, but there's always something off. Sometimes it's good though. My life is Bipolar. Maybe I am as well.

Expressions

The feelings I have
For someone like you
Are not subtle
I just can't express
The exhaustiveness
In which I am required
To say in response
To thinking about you

All the wonderfulness
That I am without
Is represented in your picture
You are a portrait
Beauty beyond brushstrokes
Fortune in an ironic way
Shooting stars predicted
You are mine today

Living Is Reason Enough To Avoid Dying

I have been "gainfully employed" (as my Dad calls it) for a week. Well, I've been working for a week. It seems like I've actually had the job for a month now. It's going pretty good. If you don't remember, I'm one-on-one in a exceptional education class with a guy who is non-communicative, has Cerebral Palsy and displays Autistic characteristics. Certainly it is frustrating to hang out with someone for six point five hours a day who cannot talk. But I enjoy it, I think. I've only been hit a couple of times and bit once. Not too shabby. It's a lot better than Laurel Oaks, but probably equal with daycamp. You know how those New Orleans city kids are.

So as the story goes, today I was in the teacher's lounge during lunch. This was a crazy-earth-stilling moment for me in itself. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought I would be sitting in the teacher's lounge at Eau Gallie High School. Even as a teen, I would see myself in a band or a millionaire before a teacher's assistant. Anyway, I'm sitting there eating my lunch and a younger-looking guy comes in and starts talking to me. After a few minutes of banter, I gather my belongings and throw my trash away. My intent was to inquire his position within the school, but I asked him his name first. He told me his name was Mr. S and that he was a substitute. Cool. I introduced myself and said I had to get back to class. He then asked what class I have. I informed him that I'm a teacher assistant in an ESE class. Mr. S chuckled for a second and then told me he thought I was a student. I looked dumbfounded for sure. All I said was, "Nope" (I actually said more but that isn't really here nor there). He told me to take it as a compliment. I told him I would when I was fifty. The other day the cafeteria lady thought I was one of the special ed. kids. She asked the teacher, "Does the new student want breakfast?" Now I ask you, how should I take that?

Awaiting One Storm, Pictures From Another

As I sit here, Wilma is slowly coming our way. And yes, I know I don't live on the west coast of Florida. However, we're under a hurricane watch, followed by warning later on tonight. I don't have to work tomorrow too, which means this is a bigger deal than it might seem. Anyway, here are some photos from my trip to New Orleans.



The fourteen foot Budget truck that I had to help drive for nearly six of our fourteen hour drive back.



As we were leaving Florida and entering Alabama on I-10 west, you could see the trees starting to shift and lean. The closer we got to the city, the more damage there was.



This was on I-10 West going over Lake Pontchartrain. Those are some of the oil refineries that paint the Gulf Coast.



This is also from The Causeway over the lake. Those trees were big and leafy once.



In New Orleans, near Gentilly Street. This is the Louisa Street North exit off of Interstate 10. You can still see water on the ground a month after the storm.



A local business (I think it was a Goodyear Tire place). It fell victim to both, wind, water, and looters.



As you enter the gates of the New Orleans Seminary, this was a long patch of very green grass and some more big Oak Trees. Now it looks like mulch. And you were never ever allowed to drive or park your four-wheeler on it.



These are some cars that remained on campus during the storm. They were moved and covered by the waters of the canals and lakes that flooded the city.



In the playground of the preschool, these utility workers try to restore power to our fallen campus.



This is a shot of the parking lot against the train tracks, which are known as Gentilly Ridge. Theoretically, this is the highest point in the city. Those trees used to line up perfectly with the tracks.



Another shot further down of the downed trees on the west side of campus.



My dorm. If you look closely, you can see where the water got to. The first floor was covered by two or three feet of water. I wish I had a picture of the inside. It was dark and covered with mold.



This is the gym I spent everyday in this past summer. Water still remains on the ruined hardwood floor.



Sunshine Park, another spot where we took the kids much of the summer and where I spent some of my own personal time at. The pavilions were demolished and a very large tree almost landed on Michael and Leah's apartment.

WILMAAAAAAA!

Somebody had to do it. It might as well been me.

I feel better. Thanks for your prayers. I have a lot to do before Thursday afternoon. I am fixing to get McDonald's breakfast. That always makes things better. Then I will sleep, only to get up five hours later, to complete more tasks.

I got most of my stuff from New Orleans. Now, let's see if I can keep my stuff, again, and outlast this Category 5 that looks to be heading my way after it makes landfall on the southwest side of Florida.

"You always say goodnight."

I Should Have Seen This Coming

It's so weird, but I am hurting. Hurting in itself isn't strange; it's happened before. But right now, I am so overwhelmed with life, I just can't stand it. I feel like I have no time, but all I have is time. I finally printed and looked at my syllabus for classes online the other day, only to realize I had stuff due by midnight. Now, I'm way behind, with the only hope of getting a C on a few assignments because they are late. I'm going to try to drop the class, or maybe withdrawal tomorrow. I can't get it together and I don't know when it will happen. I want to cry, but I can force it. I feel like I have no one to talk to, even though I know I do. When I try, I can't get it out. I'm pretty sure God is getting tired of me (although I know he's not). I just am at a spot where there is hope, but I just don't know how to go about getting it. It's so weird. I've even contemplated going to a counselor. I've never wanted to do that. Anyway, just pray for me. Please don't comment. I wouldn't respond anyway.

Another Poignant Moment For Me

Life is a funny thing. Well, not haha funny, but more of an ironic funny, or something. And what's a "thing" anyway? Is it more than just 33.33333 percent of a noun? My life is also funny (still not laugher-inducing). I watched a movie tonight. It was a film recommended to me that I sort of half scoffed, half considered to view, at the time. I just never got around to watching it really. But for whatever reason, I decided to rent it the other day and I sat down to watch it tonight. Perhaps out of nostalgia, respect, or maybe even honor. Again, I don't know. After I watched it, I pondered the idea that my life is now better having seen this flick. But, what if I had watched it when it was recommended to me? Would it have the same effect on me as it did tonight? I might not have been able to place myself within the lives of the characters then, as I did tonight. I'm glad I watched the movie now and not then. It's just weird how something like this will make you feel differently at different times. My elitist tendencies aren't always bad (like in this case). But, it's like I said earlier, life is a funny thing.

Something New From A Person Who Isn't Old... Yet

maybe there is a time and place for everything
but some things deserve the most delicacy
even when caution is practiced
words will hurt
pain will sting
and the cause of tears shed will be a cruel reminder
that everything isn't always better done now

but how am i supposed to know these things
at 25, not much more dead than alive,
having given in to all the cliches and lies
though the lackluster of a dream is now gone
patience and experience have taught me so much
as they have probably taught you, too

i am the bad guy in this
there is now way out of it
or an excuse for the mess i've made of us
but i told you before i'd always be there
wherever you are
whether you want me to be or not
i can't give you anything
but i can tell you
i care

when words escape, or fail, or linger
you will know me by my trail of actions
or victims
i hope i can show you all the cheap talk
that i have dispensed
isn't anything more than prior mistakes
revealing that i am
just a boy
and have no idea about any of this

Maybe One Day, We'll Both Realize That This Is A Dream

The weirdest feeling came over me while in New Orleans. Having just seen my friend's apartments blackened by mold from contaminated water, I got the sudden urge to keep all of my possessions still salvageable. Luckily or providentially, (however you see it) I was able to keep most of my things. I suppose this is a natural instinct, regardless of your geographical position or income status. When the possibility of losing everything one owns happens, one tends to want to start keeping everything his or her hands come into contact with. But while I was sorting through my possessions, I was easily able to part with some stuff. Out of concern for my own health, I decided upon throwing my sheets, egg crate and blanket away. Before I left for the city, I had already made up my mind about throwing these things away. Included in that list of perishable items was my pillow. As one of the last tasks to tackle in the dreaded moving out process, I striped my bed bare. As I was about to leave the city for nearly a year, I grabbed the last few small items that remained in my room. At that point, I stared at my pillow. This is when the weird feeling occurred. I couldn't part with it. Something, whether it be security or nostalgia, compelled me to keep the old worn out thing. I couldn't let go. I told myself that I should throw it away, but I couldn't. I didn't want to leave it. I knew that it wasn't conducive to my health to keep it, but I didn't care. I had to take that pillow with me. I think it's the same response those people who lost everything had. Desperately seeking to save anything that reminded them of the days gone by. The good times. The bad times. The times that made memories. Although this pillow doesn't really give my life the same summation a photo album would, something about it--that day and time--really stirred past feelings toward affection. I had to keep it, and I did. I even slept on it that night. Since I've come back to Melbourne, I've bought a new pillow and case. But I won't forget just how much I had to keep that pillow. It was a unique experience. I guess I understand a little more what the people of my city must have felt like that lonely and scary first week of September, when they were all alone and had nothing left, but what was in their hands.

A Summary

This weekend was long, draining, and tiring. But, it was good too. Mike and Leah and I got just about all of our stuff from our apartments in New Orleans. It was crazy to see the city up close. The Gentilly neighborhood, where my school is, was hammered, as evidenced by the ruins the lay after standing water and looters took control. The campus looked just the same. I took some pictures, so I will try to get those on here soon. The first floor of my building was covered in black mold. Dark and eerie, it was hard emotionally to look at. Please remember the victims of this storm still. Also, pray for the people who were victims of the huge earthquake in Pakistan that killed way more people than Katrina.

An Itinerary

Okay, here is a verbal schematic of my upcoming trip. I am heading to 3939 Gentilly Boulevard, New Orleans, Louisiana 70126 to recover what is left of my possessions. I am hitching a ride with Michael and Leah Miller. We will be helping each other pack, move, load, and unload our stuff. Please pray for us. If you like interessory prayer, read two posts previously for particulars to pray for and pray for me, please. Details:

1. Thursday night, stay at Michael and Leah's apartment (to leave early).
2. Friday early morning, leave Cape Canaveral for New Orleans.
3. Friday afternoon, get moving truck in Mobile, Alabama.
4. Friday late night, arrive in Gonzales, Louisiana at relatives home.
5. Saturday morning, drive into NO and move out Michael and Leah.
6. Saturday evening, get cleaned up and return to Gonzales.
7. Sunday morning, drive back into the city and move me out.
8. Sunday afternoon, get cleaned up, and start driving back to Florida.
9. Sunday late evening/early Monday morning, get back to Florida. Unpack?

There it is, read it and weep.

From The President of My Seminary

President's Office
3939 Gentilly Boulevard, New Orleans, Louisiana 70126-4858

To: NOBTS Family
From: Dr. Chuck Kelley
Subject: Going Home for our Belongings
Date: September 29, 2005

Dear Faculty, Staff, and Students,
The final piece of the puzzle has now fallen into place and I am happy to announce a date when those who wish to take the risks still involved, will be allowed to return to the campus to get their belongings. Mayor Ray Nagin will open the city for a brief return by residents on Wednesday, October 5. Thus we are able to allow the seminary family to return to the campus from Wednesday, October 5 - Sunday, October 9, according to the schedule posted below. Because of the risks faced by those who come back this soon, you and anyone who accompanies you will have to sign a waiver of responsibility before entering the campus.

Please note these important details!

1. The campus and New Orleans are still not safe environments. You will be coming at your own risk. Absolutely no children will be allowed on the campus.
2. To control traffic on our campus, a schedule of when to return is posted below. You will not be allowed on the campus before your housing area is scheduled.
3. Important suggestions on how to prepare for a visit to the campus are posted on our website. Read them carefully!
4. Expect extremely heavy traffic on Wednesday.
5. A curfew for the city is in effect! The campus will be open from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. on the days noted. No unauthorized person will be allowed on the campus before those dates.
6. After Sunday, October 9, the campus will be closed for restoration. No unauthorized persons will be allowed on the campus until work is finished. We hope to have the front block back on line by January 2006, and the full campus ready by August 2006.
7. Begin immediately finding five prayer partners who will pray for you during this time, and who will call you after you return from the campus. This will be one of the most difficult spiritual and emotional experiences of your life. God will see us through, but not without tears.
8. Bring your own water, food, flashlight, boxes, etc. The city of New Orleans is empty and completely without services.
9. What you do not take off the campus is subject to disposal by clean-up crews. Leave only what you are willing to lose.
10. Remember our God is a redeemer who always works things for the good of those who love Him. (Rom. 8:28)

One month ago today on August 29 Hurricane Katrina struck and changed our lives forever. The five days our seminary family returns to campus will be the five worst days in our school's history. I have driven through the city. I have walked the campus. It is heartbreaking beyond description. Jesus has taught us, however, that after death comes the resurrection. Next week we will grieve, but after Sunday, October 9, we start focusing on what lies ahead.

Chuck Kelley

Clean. Free. Liberated.

It's been official for a few days now, although I'm not exactly sure when I started keeping track, so I just figured the first of the month was a good indicator to go with. I have been free from the bondage of something for a whole month now. Something that very much had a stronghold on my life. It has literally been ten years or more since I have gone a month without this substance. What is this precarious, idolatrous item? Soda. A soft drink, really? Yes! I have gone a whole month without the sweet and seductive tastes of a soda. The effervescent effect that comes from mixing carbonated water with syrup, sugar, and caffeine is still a very tempting notion, but I haven't given in. It is hard though. I still get the shakes, sweats, and impulses for the sip. I've replaced the drinking of pop with sweet tea, lemonade, and juice, but even then, the bubbly blinding taste still smiles it's pretty little face at me. But I will fight to stay strong. I will not give in. I just figured you should know, since we're friends.

Please, Just Read On

Some people really shouldn't be able to formulate opinions on things so easily. It's not like their thoughts are intelligible.

Waiting to hear about my job. Excited. Nervous. Yes, yes.

I wore my Pink Floyd shirt to the drug test. I wonder if that was ironic at all.

Found out tonight, I will be allowed to go back to New Orleans next week, and only for a few days, to get what's left of my stuff. More details to follow about my trip.

Things to pray for me about when gone, if you wish:

1. Safety against sickness, disease, and crime.
2. Emotional stability and reliance upon GOD.
3. The will to accomplish all I need to do.

In other news, I ordered a new subwoofer for my car. It's a Polk Audio/MOMO 8 inch. I will give you more details later.

Okay, this is random and so over with. Just like you and I. Ha.

Today

I got a job. I will be a personal care assistant (teacher aid) in the exceptional education department at my Alma Mater, Eau Gallie High School. I will be one-on-one with an autistic teenager who is non-communicative but really bright. This job is about 32 hours a week and pays okay. I am excited, but obviously a little nervous. Tomorrow I have to get fingerprinted, get a background test, and take a drug test. I hope I pass. I fail at so many other things. Ciao.

Sean O'Grady, Where Have You Gone?

I try to tell a story
With every word I write
But sometimes these phrases
Come off sully and trite

Commonsense is not so common
Even among the elite
The only ones who have something to brag about
Are the ones who know it's not worth the prize to compete

Every time I try to think
Of something new to say
The same old syllables
Come off overdone and passé

I thought I could once fall in love
But that seems to be a mystery
I thought that dream could come true
But now I know that's my misery

It's only a fabrication of the mind
It's not reality
Real is waking up
Next to someone like me

There are so many things I hate
Me for one
In spite of myself
I sit here and contemplate

For me
This is what it means
To have something
That is worth redeeming

Not highly irrelevant
As with the chances
At finding something other
Than these petty romances

Thank You Kevin King

As summer ended and camp let out, Kevin, one of the children who attended camp this year, gave me a gift card for Tower Records (and I wasn't even his coach). Well, I spent it tonight and nearly forty of my own bucks (not FEMA's) and this is what I will get in a week:

Death Cab For Cutie - Plans



The newest release from these Washington state indie poppers who make the jump to the majors with this record. To some, this is horrible. While others see the potential for greatness. I don't know. I still love DCFC and dislike the OC. I'm looking forward to hearing it.

Stretch Arm Strong - Free At Last



Positive hardcore with punk rhythm and metal licks. These guys could seriously be the heaviest thing I currently listen to, which is sort of sad considering I used to even like some Death Metal. But from what I've read, this release sounds more like what A Revolution Transmission did, but has lyrical elements similar to their last effort, Engage. Not that I really care, but it's kind of cool. This CD comes with an autographed copy of the insert/liner notes.

The Juliana Theory - Deadbeat Sweetheartbeat



Don't ask me what the title means. TJT's last album, Love, had some good moments. Yet, it had some really shoddy moments too. I'm scared. The samples of songs I've heard from this album are heavier, but word on the street is, they have gone back to more of their pop roots. This is good news. This disc also comes with bonus DVD highlighting the making of this LP.

Miles Davis - Birth of Cool



I am slowly getting essential Davis albums in my collection and this was my next acquisition. Recorded in 1949 and 1950, this was basically Miles' first album. Later on, he would become the great trumpeter we know him as, but it was sessions like these that built his arsenal of sound and unique textured-playing. Miles Davis invented a genre with this record. It certainly wouldn't be the last time he did so.

Undocumented Late Saturday / Early Sunday Thoughts

In a poetic scheme:

rooms

i miss the way my bed would shake when the trains went by
i miss you as well
there are so many things
that make me be
one way or another

sometimes there are things i could say
just like the other day
when you would be so hurt
and the only condolences i can give
are like strings from streamer hung for a funeral

friends stay, or leave, or come, or fade
i still think that is the way
this life works
and though being broke it will never make it
something you or i cherish

so many memories
can be erased
gone
without little more than a simple line

i could care, but i really don't

it's these things that make me scared

can anything make me, me
more than the defamated images i claim to be

sick and disgusted; happy go lucky

branded by scales and organs
it is now my turn to do it to you

this is all you get

you, whoever you wish it fore

this is who you are for

yourself

Lipsey Street (Blaize, Thanks For Picking A 2nd Floor Room)




















The first building on your left is Hamilton Hall. My room, # 209, seems to look okay from this picture, although water has receded greatly, thus not letting me out of the woods totally. No word yet on when residents will be able to return to the fallen city.

In other exciting news, I got my emergency $2,000 from FEMA yesterday. That was a huge sigh of relief as bills still continue and tuition will start coming out again next month. I will be able to finish out this semester online through what will become an independent study and internet courses. We'll see how it goes.

until forever is today...

Tuckered Men 55+ Only

I will never understand why people want to pick up potential dates on bathroom stalls.

Hello, how are things? I am fine.

I haven't written anything in a while, so here goes:

Saturday I went to Disney World with my brother for Night of Joy. The mighty Further Seems Forever played and they were fantastic as always. I didn't get back until 3 AM.

Sunday, I pretty much slept all day. I didn't do a lot.

On Monday, I helped my Dad around the house for about three hours. I was tired.

I am currently looking for employment in Melbourne. If you know of anything, let me know.

That is it for now, more to come later.

Mild-Life Crisis

Pictures like these still bring me to tears. Man, I love reunions (nod to NewsCom for it).

What is love? Love... it's such a funny thing. Johnny Cash said it was, "a burning flame." I often thought of it as a game. But, the Bible doesn't need to come up with a clever rhyme to answer the query. 1st Corinthians answers astoundingly by proclaiming that God is love.

I like that. I need that. I want that.

I wonder how one distinguishes the difference between love and like (or lust)? Sex and sacrifice. Friendship and marriage. All the elements are intertwined and cannot be separated simply for self-seeking pleasures.

It's pictures like this that keep me up wondering late at night.

It's Getting Better All The Time

It has to be, it can't get worse. Well, yes it can. I suppose that worse could be a lot of different options of consequence. But for me, I am alive. Life hurts less these days. Anyway, the main reason I am writing is to ask those of you who pray to pray for my Mom. She broke her wrist last week and now she has to have surgery on it to put a plate in to keep the bones from shifting so they set properly. Thanks, I appreciate it.

"You Need To Learn To Slow Down"

That's what the state trooper said to me today as he walked away from my car. Oh yeah, he sure did give me a ticket. Why? I was clocked on radar doing 92 mph in a posted speed limit of 70 mph (on I-10 East). My ticket is $205.50. I can't be mad because it's my fault. It's just not one of the brighter things I've done. It's my first ticket in 4 years. Just where the last of my money needs to go.

In other news, I will continue to update everyone on my current situation. Without much notice to anyone, even my parents, I came to my parents house today. It's strange to be here. Just seven days ago I left my home, only be gone for a few days. These will be the longest few days of my life.

If you wish to contact me via postal mail, here is the info. If you want my phone number here, email me and ask for it. Since it's my parents line, I don't want to give it out on the net.

Jeff Watkins
4515 White Road
Melbourne, FL 32934

(Ed Note About Blog: Not that I started, but on To Whom, I will relinquish from discussing any of the mishaps or tragedies post-Hurricane Katrina from now on. It hurts too much for me. People are free to discuss, have/share opinions, tell others they are wrong/right, etc. This is your constitutional right. But the thing I am so tired of is people who have never lived in New Orleans, or even visited it for that matter, having opinions of the city. The kind of opinions where they conclude in a pretty post about what should or should not happen and who is or is not to blame. The issues submerged [pun intended] are so multi-faceted that it is not a problem that can be solved so quickly and effortlessly. Also, to those who concern themselves with the poverty of the city now, please? If anyone cared, why wasn't anything being done about it years ago. I realize my statements have holes and aren't solid arguments, but that's not what I'm doing here. I'm just sharing my frustration of hearing the uninformed, inform me, of what my life was like. This isn't directed at anybody in particular. I am just tired. I can see all the sides and I can relate to all the people.)

I am a volunteer.

I am a looter.

I am white by skin.

I am treated as a minority in that city.

I left because I had a way out.

But my heart and mind stayed. It's not the same, but it's more unbearable than you can imagine, unless you were there.

I am a person who cares.

I am a person who is angry and fed up.

I can be compassionate.

I can be a bastard.

I was safe.

I wasn't safe. Even though I didn't see the horrors in real life, I still can't get the images out of my head just the same.

I have so much.

I still lost a lot.

I don't deserve anything.

But because of grace, I have life.

"I had a good cry last night."

To quote my old friend Chase (at least I think he titled a post that once). I am still doing good here in Dothan, Alabama. I'm catching up with friends and trying to remain optimistic about everything. The realization is hitting me more and more that I have nothing left, as far as material positions. I do realize that "things" aren't important and can be replaced, but you try losing everything except for what you took with you haphazardly--it will make you think a lot. And that's about all I have been doing the past few days.

I've talked to some friends from New Orleans and that is an answered pray and a huge sigh of relief. I'm still waiting to hear from some other people. Blaize, my roommate in the sunken Hamilton # 209, went back to the surrounding area today to do relief work. Pray for him please. I am praying about what I need to do. I know my parents want me home and I sort of want that too.

Today I find out what the rest of the year holds for me in academia via the school's website. I will let you know what my plans are and how to reach me.

Well I have been up for a long time and need to sleep. Today I find out what I do for the rest of the year and I have lunch with Ricky. And it might even feel normal at some points. Seems to pan out for me.

Here's a picture of my blessed neighborhood. If you scroll all the way to the right and look for a long line of train tracks, you will see NOBTS. It runs parallel to the tracks. The seminary is on what appears to be the north side, but in actuality is east. It's mostly underwater, but I can see the roof of my dorm so I still have my hopes up that I can get some crap from within.



Post Script: If you can manage to see the pool next to the gym, my dorm is the one next to that on the right side of the pool and gym.

The Exception

There's not a lot I can say right now. I was glad that I didn't have classes on campus this week (now not until next Tuesday, if even then). But man, I'm seeing pictures from New Orleans and I would give back my week of freedom just to have dry land there. 80% of the city is underwater. God providentially and sovereignly watched out for me and my school, but I can't help but feel like a victim for everyone else. I am lucky, but they aren't. That's a gut-nulling feeling. I want to cry because so many people have lost everything. And it's not just material goods; it's life, liberty, hope, love, friends, etc. I wanted to post some pictures I found, but that's not really important. (You've probably seen the same ones.) Also, I have some friends who had to stay in the city and I can't get in touch with them. It's all so overwhelming and all I can do is pray. I encourage everyone to look at the TV and pray. Don't ignore this--it's not surreal--it's real life. It felt like fantasy to me early today, too. Except, that I actually live there and it happened to me. I am blessed and I am so thankful for that. But I am the exception.

Bringing You Into the Loop

Bringing You into the Loop

You are so out of it.

A breakdown:
1. I worked at Opryland and hated it.
2. I called out twice and on the third day called the hotline to quit.
3. The next day I called Gini at Books-A-Million and we decided that I would start the next Tuesday.
4. That night I recieved a message from Mike at the Great Escape asking me to call and schedule an interview.
5. I called the next morning and scheduled an interview for earlier the same day that I would start at Books-A-Million.
6. On Saturday Donna interviewed at JC Penny's and snagged a position in women's retail. I'm proud of her.
7. This afternoon I called the Great Escape and was informed that I got the job.

Pause for excitement

8. For a multitude of reasons I will not be able to work out a notice. Now I just have to figure out how to tell the bookstore.

Reasons this is cooler:
1. I don't have to wear an apron.
2. I don't have to wear a name tag.
3. I don't have to wear a collared shirt.
4. In addition to khakis I also have the option of jeans or shorts.

Yes, there are advantages besides clothing-related ones.

5. It's always been a dream of mine to work in a record store and this is "the mid-south's leading record store and comic shop".
6. The management is admittedly and obviously lax.
7. With traffic it only takes 16 minutes to get there. Compare that to at least 45 minutes to B-A-M.
8. This will be a cute little addition to my resume.
9. If I never get hassled about not selling enough discount cards it will be too soon.
10. Because the store is cleaned in the mornings I'll never have to stay late for that.
11. Employee discount!!!
12. The "office chatter" won't be nearly as uninteresting.
13. This is a mom-n-pop operation, they have five stores but no endless chain of higher ups.
14. This is the first job I've ever interviewed for that not only did I believe I could do but that I truly believe the job was made for me.
15. I hate muzak, I prefer actual music.

Contraflow A Go-Go













While the crescent City sits in loom of the destruction that is Hurricane Katrina, I drove to my former homestead (actually Dothan, Alabama) to run from the doom. I'll be staying with my Aunt Kim and Uncle Rob. Class is cancelled until Thursday, so I'll be here for a few days. Let's hear it for epistemology and Baptist heritage! That's all I'll be reading for these upcoming days.

Not Lucky

I don't believe in luck. However, it would appear that God has blessed me, again. If you recall, I killed the a/c jack on my old laptop, which was a hand-me-down from my Dad. I pushed in the plug from the a/c jack into the laptop. Sucked. I finally sent it home to Dad to see if our neighbor could fix it. Apparently, he could not. What does my Dad do? He goes out and buys me a brand new one. I am treated way too good. For all you hacks, this proves my street cred:




Compaq Presario M2000
AMD Moblie Sempron Processor 2800 and 256 L2 Cache (1.6 GHz)
15" XGA TFT Bright View Display Screen
40 GB Hard Drive
256 MB DDR SDRAM
54g 802.11b/g WLAN
DVD/CD-RW combo drive
6-Cell Lithium-Ion battery
Microsoft Windows XP Home Service Pack 2

I am blessed.

Brightest by Copeland from Beneath Medecine Tree

If you find yourself here
On my side of town
I pray that you'd come to my door

And talk to me
Like you don't know
What we ever fought about
Because I don't remember anymore

I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And she said that I was the brightest
Little firefly in her jar

And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And she says that I am the brightest
Little firefly in her jar

I Am Sorry

Notice I didn't write I'm sorry. I'm sorry implies an apology will follow with the asking of forgiveness. And while I need to do that, too, I'm merely writing a post about how I am just a sorry person. Sorry being equated with wretched, horrible, rancid, et cetera (you pick a suitable synonym).

Tonight I wrote somewhere that bad things happen because human beings are selfish. But the truth of it is, I make bad things happen because I am selfish. I am. Yes, I am.

I'm sorry.

I Just Don't Know

I am me.

In my efforts to be a person of substance, I often try to be more than I really am. Which is, at best, so far from what I actually need to be. What am I Nothing more than some skin and bones. So, what do I want to be? I don't know. "Want" seems to be the question that would be the episode to end the season finale of my life. Answering that dilemma would be tantamount to finally kissing the girl and living happily ever after. All the concluding answers seem to resolve within that one key question. Yet, to find the answer to that quandary, my life has to be in some sort of order for a solution to be found. Solutions are like garden hoses; easy to unravel, but so hard to make them appear like they were when originally found. If I am incorrect in my question asking, no matter even if I get the beloved paramount response, my inquisitive nature has been damaged because I was not asking the right questions to begin with. The right question--though correct seems to be a relative term--would ease the tension caused in the first place. Then, when I ask the right question, I will get the right answer. There lies the solution. Whether the result I find meets with my approval or not is up to how I feel at the moment, which is to say that my attitude is the main pain causing me to experience strife. Changing my attitude will help me find comfort when I am feeling lost. The heart is deceitful and its subsequent desires are usually wicked. I need to want my heart to be right, then I will know what I need. Stop trying to be and just be me.

I don't know much... except that I am me.

Hello Mother, Hello Father

Strangely enough, it is that time once again for the first day of school. I've had many of these; some bad, some good. I'm hoping this first day, the start of my 17th year, will be like the memorable ones before. I'm anticipating greeting my professors and eager to show them that I am not just another kid. I've got my new school clothes, new school shoes, school supplies, and apples for my teachers all ready in tote. I can't wait for this day. It is finally here!

This is about all the fiction I can muster up.

Methodism: A Hymn

"As good a church, as can be found,
Their doctrine is so pure and sound,
One reason which I give for this,
The Devil hates the Methodist.
If Satan could them all destroy,
The troops of hell would shout for joy;
I'll pray that God would them increase
And fill the world with Methodists."

Written long ago, but found in this article

X X X

Not hardcore music or that other adult thing, but something significantly life savoring for me is symbolic in the placing of three x's in a sequential order. Last night some friends and I went bowling and I bowled my first turkey ever. And I'm not even really that good.

"You Are My Biggest Fan"

Despite all of the peer pressure I face from friends and family to get a cell phone, I have not given in just yet. But, cell phones are good for one thing: address books. I have a hard time keeping up with numbers and addresses, so I bought me a little grey address book (a chicktionary as Blaize refers to it). So if you would like to make sure you are in this book, comment or write me an email (jeffyjeff[at]gmail[dot]com) and give me your info. Thanks.

Waiting For Hardees To Open

Its nights like these
That make me be appreciative for the breath I have to breathe
Driving around streets that feel alone
A place you never wanted to call your home
Somehow, someway, it all makes sense today
Now, tomorrow comes, and I don't want to forget
I seem to be growing older every minute
But I catch the secondhand pausing--
Have you looked at a clock
Just to watch it stop
Have you ever stopped to watch your life
Passing moments are like a foray into the unknown
I wanted to write something meaningful
Like the greats before
I still can't find my edge
Not quite sure what I'm looking for
Pity, because potential is wasted
Like the youth that the young dismiss
I want to find this mystery
A loving romance, not just lustful imagery
I'm tired and I'm ready to sleep
Not for eternity, just until the afternoon
For now, I'm enjoying the sunrise
Like the day that starts each new eve
Something special is yours to perceive
Taking philosophies for more than they are meant
Living your life by someone else's screenplay
Too many days I have already let pass me
I need to catch up and enjoy them
Stop regretting what my heart won't forget
Life will only give you what you let it

and then there were three

I was jobless. Scared. And soon to be going for broke. I was on the verge of worries realized, being called a dead beat husband and a suffering slob, and having some sort of break down.

On Monday I was hired as a sales person at the Opryland Hotel. I am set to start next Monday. I was ecstatic that this meant we could stay. I was anxious that I could not handle or would not like this job. I got myself worked up and worried virtually over nothing. I couldn't help but hope one of the others would work out first.

I became more accustomed to the notion. I knew that I would adjust well to it. And then came the loop.

I was contacted by Bonnie at the Ryman about an opportunity there. I was called by Gini at Books-A-Million about starting there.

Before I panicked about not having a job. Now I panick about how to choose.

The Most Punk I've Ever Been

Before (Jed, notice my hair combed slightly over the ear):













After:

















































"Do you feel lucky punk, well do you?"

Coupons

Coupons

When making a move to a location 8 hours away it is almost impossible to get the job and then plan the move. That is, unless you are transferring or taking a position so big a deal that the employers pay your moving expenses. I did not have that luxury. I knew, that is, we knew that this was the right decision. It's a thing of faith, be sure. It becomes harder to preservere in faith as the money becomes tighter, as you approach the day of bankruptcy. That day is still over a month a way, but a plan is necessary. Like, when to ask the in-laws for help. And if they cannot help, when to tell them that you'll be taking up residence with them. We have,at this point, put our hats into the ring on jobs we'd like and some we would not. I know that we have done what we can. Considering that, I see no room for worry. It is hard not to feel desperate. I've got every thousand dollar contest in town on speed dial. I have applied to the Books-A-Million in Gallatin. Before we moved my boss told me there was a B-A-M in Nashville. There's not. We looked on the website and did not see it. It was not until this week that we realized it was in Gallatin, a suburb of Nashville. Because of the double threat of my previous employment with the company and that they are hiring I think this will work. I also have an interview on Monday with Opryland Hotel to work at one of a dozen little shops they have. The lady, a brit, called yesterday and was very impressed with my answers to the on-phone pre-interview. Her words, not mine. So that looks good too. I am on a street team for Lost Highway and am hoping to convince the girl over that to find me something there. I have been a great street teamer. Her words. Maybe they have an opening in the mail room. I could always settle for A&R. Heh.

And in the end...Love you take=love you make

On Denominations

Not that I have arrived or anything, but I am probably further in my walk now than I have ever been. Which isn't to say that things couldn't be better. Quite the opposite actually. Never the less, I thought about something along those lines today.

When I was in Graceville, my walk with the Lord was great and horrible at different times. In New Orleans, it has been the same. This unbalanced process is the action of sanctification. All this is to say that I had a move toward the right direction in my relationship with God earlier this afternoon. When I lived in Graceville, I only concerned myself with other Evangelical Christians as a sort of people to just debate theology with. I didn't worry about telling the lost about Jesus with these brothers and sisters; half the time, I probably thought about telling them the Gospel again. Then today a church caught my eye. I was frozen still. They try to reach the unchurched because, they love people. Who do I love, besides myself? I just felt convicted. I have not been a Christian to other Christians.

This world is just sitting in too much crap for Christians to sit around and convince themselves that they are always "sharpening iron" with their debates. Certainly, doctrinal integrity is held up with the highest regard, but some things are just not worth it. There is, by and large, not a lot getting accomplished and it is on us as the Redeemed to do it. I might not be lost, but I'm not far from it.

love,

Not Really Surprising

It's no wonder that I can't commit to a relationship. I can't even commit to buy a twelve pack of bar soap. I always get the three pack. Sad, I know. My inability to commit to soap probably isn't related to my disabilities with women. But, maybe.

I really like the Dial Tropical Blast.

Why Oh Why.

Thanks to everyone who commented on the previous post. Well, with about 4 weeks left until school starts back, I figured I'd post my schedule. I got all the classes I wanted, on the first try. I don't think that has actually ever happened to me before. I'm registered for 15 hours, but there's a chance I could drop one still.

HIST5323 Baptist Heritage WF / 8:30 am - 9:50 am
BBBW5300 Encountering the Biblical World WF / 11:30 am - 12:50 pm
CEEF6301 Philosophical Foundations WF / 1:00 pm - 2:20 pm
CESW6314 Interpersonal Relationship Skills TR / 8:30 am - 9:50 am
DISC5170 Spiritual Formation I Tuesday / 11:30 am - 12:20
CEYH5244 The Work of the Youth Minister TR / 1:00 pm - 1:50 pm

To Be Posh

I got this from Jared, who got this from other people.

IF YOU READ THIS, even if we DO SPEAK OR DO NOT SPEAK OFTEN, comment with one memory of me and you. It can be anything you want. GOOD OR BAD. Just as long as it actually HAPPENED. THEN, post this on your blog. See what other people remember about YOU.

All To Myself

My roommate Blaize left yesterday. Pray for his trip. He'll be gone until August 2nd and I love it (but I will miss him).

In other news, I finally got my car fixed. For one hundred dollars, I got a new water pump, thermostat, labor, and some other necessities that go with the job. Thanks Boyd.

I'm going to the French Quarter tonight to be a local. How neat is that?

Mind your pints and quarts...

Collected Thoughts

I hate sitting here trying to write and getting distracted. So I'm just going to launch right into it. I made this sound serious, but it's not.

I hate certain posts that I sometimes write which possibly give the impression that I give two spitwads about people like Tom Cruise, and what happens with his life.

I hate how right now I'm tempted to come up with more things I hate when in fact I had other things I wanted to write.

It's undeniable, hatred sells. So...to appease your tormented soul I'll offer a few more notes of hate.

I hate how in a post like this that because I started with incosequential information you probably think there will be no substance from me tonight.

I hate that you'd be right.

I hate trying to explain myself in the confines of a weblog, always aware of how someone is bound to misunderstand and comment according to their misunderstanding. It rarely happens these days, but it used to be routine and I just can't shake the thought.

I hate that I feel the need to offer an example to further explain the previous paragraph. For example, I'm confident that I will have a job within two weeks. This is based on communications with several potential employers which lead me to believe that they think I stand a strong chance. This example makes sense, sure, but I imagine a skeptic saying "Geez, he doesn't have a job yet. Unbelievable."

I hate how these last two paragraphs are so much bigger than the others.

I hate when it takes a lot of words to say a whole lot of nothing.

What can I say? I'm a hater, but I've got a lot of love too.

Tonight I painted my first real painting. I spent three hours on it. It will take 2 days or longer to dry.

Tomorrow we're going to Jackson to stay at Donna's mom's house. I need to take some typing tests on her computer but we're mostly just going to go. This is a recent turn of events, and a surprising one at that. We, myself included, enjoy going to see Ms. Mary and the rest of the family. A strange turnaround indeed.

Saturday we three are going to see Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. This is the summer movie I'm most looking forward to seeing.

We'll return Sunday to try another church. To be honest, we haven't been every Sunday. Actually, it's been more like the exception. But we're sick of not going.

This past Wednesday we tried Cornerstone Church, just outside of Nashville in Madison. We had out and about in town that afternoon when it was time to head toward church. Our plan had been to go to 1st Baptist but I saw this billboard for Cornerstone and asked if we could change the plan. I thought I had seen it on the SBC website. I had never considered a church withouta middle word in its title. I kind of hoped it was a baptist church that identifies with the principles of the "emerging church". We walked in and immediately loved the look and feel of the place. However, it turned out to be an Assembly of God church. Of course, we didn't know this until it was too late. I don't think they're off doctrinally, it's just such a different church experience/environment that it felt pretty awkward.

That last paragraph serves as another example of lot of words saying lot of nothing. Blech.

I'm trying to train myself to not be so anxious and/or compulsive. Like, a bad habit of mine is checking through the peephole and through the door multiple times during the day. Mainly, I check because I'm paranoid one of the maintenance guys is going to need to come into my apartment. We keep it clean and the people here have given us no evidence that they'll be intrusive or invasive like the gang at Graceland Manor. So, I'm battling the compulsion to look over and over again.

Another example of this same thing is how I worry about money. I compulsively check our bank online and by phone. As the webpage loads I have imagined the balance being significantly lower than I had anticipated. Pretty much every time it's the same as when I last looked. I've been trying to tell myself that because we keep up with our money we won't be surprised by it. I have to keep fighting it.

One of my favorite movies is Nobody's Fool starring Paul Newman. I mention this because I re-watched it the other night and it inspired a fresh perspective. And that is, I want to live a simple life. It's a virtue. A person goes to college and they learn to speak this language of calling, long-term goals and degree programs. In reality that's all a bunch of malarkey. We flatter ourselves with our ambition and plans. I've always hated the quote but John Lennon was right, "life is what happens while you're busy making plans." Wedding days and graduations are fun, but it's all the other days that tell the story.

Next Thursday we're going to see Ben Folds and Weezer. Whoa yeah.

I've gotten into watching soap operas.

I've been thinking about doing stand-up.

Donna has figured out how to replicate the Zesty Ranch chicken sandwich that AppleBee's has. The secret is Lee's Buffalo sauce.

Besides the radio, I hardly listen to music these days. My record player is broken and there is no cd player in the car. It's frustrating.

I'm eating ice because I'm thirsty and too lazy to make more Kool-Aid.

I hate to cut this short but I must.

Goodnight from the third floor.

Regina

Pale and flustered; embarrassed with red-
My day so far
Cold and breezy; the hallowing winter nights-
My life feels sub par

You tell me no one likes you because you're old
I happen to think it's just because you're cold

But I see a different side of you
The one with a smile that only says a kind word
Or tells truth the way it's meant to be heard

Maybe I'm young and certainly foolish
Undoubtedly my life isn't the one you cherish

I like being myself
You like being you
Together we could be
More than a fantasy

Dreams that were wished upon stars
Have clearly gone away
Nothing more now
Just an empty memory

Immolate my regrets through your self-contained depression
Alleviate the problems of miss communicated frustration

Tell me how to feel for you
I'll let you know what to see
Advice isn't the worst thing ever
But the chances are
That you're not changing me

I'm Sorry I Always Mention The Weather

If it were my choice, I surely wouldn't be in New Orleans right now. Not that I'm all that scared of Hurricane Dennis, but because I really want to not have to work on Monday. I'm selfish, I know. My dorm has been without a/c since Thursday afternoon for one thing. Another thing is that I cannot drive anywhere because my water pump in my car has gone out. Thus the reason I wait. It looks like the storm is taking a more eastern projected track, however, the experts really can't say either way. So now I wait. My friend Patricia and I were supposed to drive to her house in Bartow, Florida, but now that doesn't seem like a viable option because the storm is pretty much outer-banning the west coast of Florida. I think we may go to our friend's house in Texas, but there's no telling. Patricia had to work today, so that is why I sit here and I am not currently driving anywhere.

In other random news, I submitted some poetry to a e-zine for publication in the next issue and I'm looking forward to getting a response back.

selah.

What If I Were To Ask?

While Tropical Storm Cindy is just a memory, it looks like Hurricane #4 (ala Dennis) has a chance of following the same path through the Gulf of Mexico. Cindy gave New Orleans nearly Category 1 force winds and nearly a foot of rain in some parts. At least I got yesterday off from work. I went to the outlet malls with Patricia, Maria, and Lynn and got some jeans. They make me look hot.

Ya momma thinks so.

Oh... Burn!

Yeah, that's right.

I'm really tired.

So, now, bye.

Straight Edge Ero

I tutored a semester in a New Orleans Public School District school, which is said to be one of the worst school districts in the country. However, I thought it was just an overstatement.

I was wrong.

Last night, I was pumping gas for a friend when I saw this printed out sign on the gas pump. I then stole it just so you could read it now:

FOR MORE YOU'R CREDIT
PROTECTION, AFTER YOU SWAP
YOUR CREDIT CARD YOU MUST
ENTER YOUR BILLING
ADDRESS"ZIPCODE".

THANKS FOR YOUR
CORPORATION

[sic]

Oh yeah, Happy Independence Day.

While You Were Busy Reading that Really Long Post

I'm going to bed early tonight because tomorrow is church. However, I have discovered that writing even the simplest post creates for me a sense of completion.

Another cool thing I've figured out is that if I space down at the right moment creates a dramatic effect and makes the post appear more substantial than it actually is.

And see that was only one sentence. Did you fall for it?

I get in a particular mood as I write and sometimes in as little as a few minutes that mood has changed. In this situation I review what I have written to that point and possibly lose interest.

Then I think about erasing the whole thing.

thinking

So this one gets to stay. Of course, you knew that. I hope.

What else can I write about besides whatever this is? Well, I've been thinking about quitting writing at this address.

y waning. Plus, I had intended to cut you a break tonight to make up for yesterday's post of great length.

And it's time for my nap anyway. Later friend.

While You Were Sleeping

It's that part of the day when the sky is lit but the timed flood lights are still on. Our routine lately has been to stay up until 4 or 5 and then sleep until after lunch. It's a nice routine, even though it may be a difficult one to get out of. The only trouble with this routine is many times I can stay awake so far passed the point of greatest exhaustion and then be unable to go to sleep. That and everyday this week we've had a crew chainsawing trees down. And that, necessarily, lasts from about 9-1. Donna turned in early tonight, around 3:00 am. In her absence I watched episodes 3-6 of Curb Your Enthusiasm's first season. The last couple episodes were a lot better than the first two, which Donna had watched with me. I considered that I would convince her to watch those two. Based on that I turned it off at the conclusion of the first disc. Now my television opportunities are limited to early morning news or an old preacher who gives sermons from his desk. So the news is on just for the noise. I'm drinking a cold, yet mysteriously flat tasting soda while trying to figure out the other things that I was going to write on. Oh yeah, that was one. I understand it's against the rules of grammar to end a sentence with a preposition. I can see how to comply with this rule, but do not understand the principle. I like to end on a preposition. It's what I'm all about. Ha ha. See. I did it again. Is this the best I can come up with? Probably. Thinking about this I've come to the conclusion that I'd never want to be an English teacher. I'd feel the need to enforce rules that I don't even enforce on myself and worse yet I'd have to suffer through a lifetime of crappy self-indulgent essays. Like this one. I've likely already mentioned this to you directly but I need to reiterate that Blockbuster's Movie Pass is wonderful. We've decided that we most like to rent t.v. shows. As mentioned previously, we got Curb Your Enthusiasm. We akso got the third disc of Scrubs. This rounded out the first season for us. Our Blockbuster does not carry any of the other seasons. We enjoy the show quite thoroughly and are now anxious to see the second season. This week, watching the show, I was reminded about how I had considered a career in modern medicine during the eight months that my uncle was in a coma. I didn't think about being a doctor, but more of a specialist instead. I thought it would be great to work with the comatosed and study possible ways of bringing them out of the coma. Now I can tell that idea was silly. Sweet but silly. I even thought that maybe this happened to my uncle so that I would come to understand my true calling. Sweet but silly, I flinch at the sight of a needle. One thing about Scrubs is that it makes me think about all the people who run the hospitals at all hours of the night while I spend the night watching DVDs. I won't share the profession with them, but nonetheless it gives me an increased sense of urgency. It's funny to be helped so much by fictional characters. It's like when you dream of an alternate reality that in its own way is cool. You awake to learn that this world did not exist. T.V. programs are written. And the comforting thing is that usually they are at least based on reality. It's tempting to let yourself think that the people who play your favorite characters are playing themselves. I'm sure there's a lot of truth to that, but it can't be entirely true. We want it to be true because even with their flaws we have enough information to let anything they do slide. We are without that privilege in the reality. We have our own separate feelings and are not a simple cheery bystander. There is a personal investment and it's much riskier than the possibility of not liking the movie you rent. I watch Curb Your Enthusiasn and I get a good laugh. However, if Larry David were to hang out in my neck of the woods I wouldn't laugh as much. I wouldn't say, "that guy is really funny." Instead, it would be more like, "that guy's a bastard." I relate...and that's the worst part. A couple nights ago I was thinking about how weird i is that my uncle and Mitch Hedberg have died. [Insert Overused Death Cliche Here] It just doesn't seem real. Death to most of us is like Foreign Missions, we've heard about some people who went and we may have given some money to that cause but as far as we can tell it's mythical and unnecessary. The money we gave must have just gone right back into the church. That funeral we went to was, in fact, a strange performance by the local nihilist theater troupe. But none of that is true. Not in the least. You know, how can comedians go on like nothing ever happened like everything is still a laugh riot? Funny has left the building, Mitch is no longer with us. Okay, that comes off a bit mellodramatic. It is sad, but the thing I'm trying to write about is that it's bizarre. I seriously was wondering late the other night if they had really died. I was really in need of a good night's rest that night. I wondered if it was also a dream. I didn't dream tonight because I didn't sleep. I may dream today and that could be cool. I just hope everyone survives it. I hope I can handle it when I remember that I'm not actually close personal freidns with whatever fictional character I dream about. I do that sometimes. Not all the time. It's mostly funny as opposed to pathetic. In any case, I guess it could be of help to think of Larry David. Some things are better kept at a distance. Then again, that's where we go wrong. We keep the "bastards" at a distance and break the world up into 6 billion tiny islands. Where is the life in that?

I've philosophied all that I can think of. It's on full bright now. So, that's all for now.

Tonight, Tonight

My roommate, Blaize, and I are going to Waffle House later on this evening. It feels like a dream come true. It's been so long since I've been. I've missed you, old friend.

A Quarter Century Old and Two Days

It's no consolation to me that there will not be a constellation tonight.

I'm thinking about getting a cell phone and joining the club. Does anyone have any advice on the club or cell phones in general?

I pity myself more than anyone else because I despise what I despair and all that I despair is what I despise and all that seems to be is stupidity.

My birthday was good. Thanks to everyone who wrote about it or shared it with me.

Golden births are like golden calves-idols, idols, idols.

You Can't See Me

Tonight a girl told me that people who have a "different" sense of humor make her laugh. I didn't know whether to be honored or offended.

It's funny.

For so long, I wanted nothing more than to be different from everyone else. But now that I am, sometimes, I would trade anything, just to be like everyone else.

Oh yeah, today I'm 25.

Although, last year I worked, this is my first birthday without being near my parents. I am a grownup.

Not a member of the Tom-Tom Club.

In high school a friend of mine took his life. This jerk quarterback made a under-his-breath remark that David was in hell. What I wanted to do was pull Freddy off the railing he sat on with my arm around his neck and get a few good punches. But of course, I didn't.

This is not the point of the story.

I told friends about the incident. I had been the only one who'd heard him. When I told these friends they suggested it was better I didn't do anything because I would've gotten whooped up on. That was aggravating because well, even still I felt it was the thing to do.

And I still wish I had.

Still, this is not the point. Instead, the point is more to do with Tom Cruise. I'd like to physically assault that guy. It's funny that he got shot with a water pistol. Even though, this is wrong in all other regards. If I had a chance I'd have done it. Except I would have lived up to it.

I would have said, "I'm a jerk, but you're a poopy head."

Or maybe not, but I'm glad someone did. I don't get how he can be as rude as he is and never be without the defense of nearly everyone in the free world. It's not just women either, it's men too. Straight men, I might add. Even Dave Letterman is nice to him.

He's not charming, He's obnoxious. It's fact.

In the whole scheme of cosmic justice it would be of greater effect if I punched that quarterback. A guy has to know how to pick his battles. I probably should have confronted that guy but since I didn't these hotshot celebrities will always irritate me. This is actually a great way to deal with childhood cowardice.

I only have two more things to say.

Katie, all I can say is you should have stayed with Dawson.

And Tom, to use your words, put your manners back in.