Dreams, et cetera They say dreams are the result of neuron firings and that without fail we dream every time we sleep. Well, if I don't remember I don't call it dreaming. I call it neuron firings. By that definition I've dreamed every night since New Year's Eve. That's 90 straight nights. I've never dreamed with such consistency.
I've dreamed of professors being disappointed with me. In my dreams I've met Adam Duritz,Yoko Ono and Eminem, among others. I've had two recurring dreams. One occurs in this ever evolving shopping mall. This place is an amalgamation of every shopping center I've ever visited. Parts of it are flooded a few feet deep, yet the stores remain in business. The second is of realizing mid-semester that I am inevitably failing classes I didn't even know I was in.
Sometimes I fly and other times I drown. From time to time I find myself naked in the middle of town looking nervously for clothes. So as far as that all goes I suspect my dreams aren't much different than yours.
Once I dreamed that hundreds of Klansmen were taking over my town and trying to track down and kill me because I had a black friend. Thankfully, that never happened. In ninth grade after hearing a couple sad songs on the subject I dreamed that my father died. That one really upset me. I skipped three days of school and spent them with him. But he didn't die.
Two nights ago I dreamed that my sister and brother-in-law were getting divorced. No reason was given, just that they decided to. Everyone was pretty non-chalant about it and encouraged me to support my sister. I wanted to tell her she was messing her life up. That dream felt like it lasted all night. I cried. This dream hurt as well.
The next day I told Donna about this dream and asked her if she thought they seemed happy together. She wasn't sure, but felt as though they were. It's not that I've any inclination they are unhappy its just that I don't know. The hardest part is that I don't feel like I can ask my own sister. I don't believe this is a sign or vision. The other dreams didn't come true, so it seems that would be the case here as well. That seems logical enough, but not being more sure hurts.
I’m sure they don’t really expect you to go back to class the first day after your spring break is over. Hmm... maybe they do because I’m sitting in my computer class right now and my professor sure is talking fast. I’m not really sure what she is talking about, but it has something to do with Microsoft Access.
My break was much needed! Even though I didn’t do any school work, I got a little accomplished. I gave Daive Puppy back to Teresa on Saturday night. The girls were glad to see each other. I didn’t do much yesterday. I’ve been watching a lot of wrestling lately.
Well, the countdown has begun. I’ve actually been counting down since August 1999, when I started college. I’m really excited. I’ll be glad to take some time off until I go do my masters where I won’t be sitting in a class room. Hopefully a year of working full time and living in this small town will motivate me to save and pay off debt and get the heck out and move on with my life.
Sorry this is so random. I’m just updating the world on my life (because some people care). Hopefully I’ll have something more significant to write later in the week. Until then, farewell to fashion...
“So I'll go walking through the streets until my heels bleed and I'll sing out my song in case the birds wish to sing along. And I'll dig a tunnel to the center of the universe. Well here I am. I don't know how to say this. The only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.” Freakish by Saves The Day from the album Stay What You Are.
My spring break was fairly decent. I spent some time with my family and just had a few days to relax and think. I was amazed to see the response on my last post. I am thankful that everyone was so encouraging, so I give you all much thanks.
I just got back yesterday, and I found that my phone line has been disconnected. Its a really long story, but basically, we never got our phone bill. We are supposed to get all the charges erased (in theory) when my roommate gets back and actually calls the phone company. So hopefully I will be back online very soon, if not, oh well. If you guys wanna contribute to our phone fund.....just let me know!
On a serious note, I still find myself thinking alot about being in love. I guess I should admit that I am lonely, and would like to have somone to talk to. I dont think I have to explain to you what I mean by "someone". My only prayer is that God brings her to me soon. I also hope that I find her before I get out of film school. I am not saying that I will be a famous film director, but I do not want my accomplishments to be the reason some girl wants to be with me. I know that not all girls are that shallow, but I really want a girl to want to be with me, not my talents. I see movies or read stories about people falling in love. Its a beautiful thing. Its a picture of Christ's love for the church. It's something I miss having.
I think maybe I dwell on this too much, and I do apologize. I just have a deep desire to love and be loved by someone, and I do not know how to cope with the lack of it except to write about it. I dont have really any female friends at all, and that had been partly on purpose. I am not against the idea, but I am careful when it comes to close female friends. Then again, I have never really had a loyal female friend, so maybe that it the problem. Who knows. In truth, I dont even know how to think or feel about it anymore. I believe things will be ok, and that God is still in control. Ladies, dont think I hate your kind. If I did, why would I write so much about wanting to be with one of you? I have been hurt alot by girls (ask Jeff) and I wish I could just meet one who would be different from all of them. Just one. Thats not too much to ask is it?
There aren’t many things that would cause me to quote a Bee Gee’s song in my post, but after my drive back to school on Wednesday, it seems like a pretty good avowal. So, I’m cruising back to school, minding my own business, driving behind a big ol’ mack truck. Now, I know I probably shouldn’t have been following as close as I was, but I was paying really close attention to what was going on. We were going about 75 Mph in the left lane and I noticed three cars beginning to pass us on the right. Well, the first two cars passed the big rig and me successfully, but that darn third car was trailing slowly behind. I could tell that he was going to try to pass the truck, despite spacing differences, and of course he did. Well, I’m playing this out in my head, so I decided to back off a little bit because I know the car is going to try to pass the truck and the truck is going to have to break. What happened next, I could never have predicted. So, all of this is happening. That stupid car tried to get in front of the truck and made the truck have to slam on it’s breaks. But, it was a good thing that I backed off because apparently the car almost sideswiped him or so it looked like, I couldn’t really tell. All I see is the red beak lights coming at me. At that point the truck and what it was hauling began to turn side ways. I thought it was going to jackknife right there. I had to slam on my breaks. At some point, the truck blew out one of his tires and the interstate engulfed in smoke. While I was slamming on my breaks, mine locked up for a second, paralyzing my ability to steer with accuracy. Here I am weaving trying to avoid hitting the truck. I’d like to say that I was slick enough to look on my right side to see if anybody was in the other lane before I swerved, but I can’t say that. I just thank God that he was watching out for me and nobody was in the next lane because I would have hit them. Finally, gaining control of my car, I glide by him still breaking. The guy that was driving the truck must have been the best driver on I-95 that day because not only did he get his truck back under control, but he did it all and pulled off on the side of the road, while taking out a bunch of the those huge cones with the lights on top and not wrecking. I was shaking for so long afterward. That was one of the scariest moments of my life! I prayed before I left, but you can bet I prayed a lot more before that day was over. So, I almost died that day.
I’m now back at school after surviving the drive back up here. I’m dog-sitting for Teresa Tucker and her dog Daive is sleeping over. Yep, I’m having a girl sleep in my bed tonight. She is a dog and her name is Daive and that is really neither here nor there. Daive and I have been hanging out all day, listening to some hardcore and Beatles, and watching movies. We’re watching Jackass right now. Daive was digging the tunes earlier. Tonight, Chase, Donna, and I went to Chipley to eat at the Waffle House. We stopped at McDonalds for shakes afterward and we also stopped so we could use the restroom before making the long twelve-mile trip back to G’ville. While we were in there, Chase was thinking out loud I suppose and said, “I don’t think we’re alone”. Of course there was a guy in the stall next to us. Like I said, we were there to get shakes and I was buying them, so I asked Chase, “What size do you want?” (referring to the shake). Chase remarked something like “Oh my…” Anyway, we left and realized the guy in the stall probably thought we were gay. Out in the lobby, the rest of the employees and that guy were whispering and talking about us, it was really funny. I laughed at them. It didn’t bother me that they thought I was gay. I knew I was coming home to a girl in my bed. That’s it for the past few days, still more fun to come on Spring Break 2003!
“The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.” Dear Prudence by The Beatles from the White Album.
Coming home is fun, sort of. I enjoy my folks, I love them, and I thank God that He gave me to them. However, much like all other people who have this newfound adulthood, I don't always like them my folks a whole lot. I'm grateful for them, but I get exasperated by them sometimes as well. If any of you guys have been reading this site for a while, you will know that anytime I go home, I almost always have something to rant about. Well, not too much this time. Do you believe that? Yeah, to my surprise as well. It's been a good break thus far. Yet, I don't credit this pleasantness with luck, chance, or coincidence. It's taken a lot of planning and I've got this visiting thing down to a science. Here's a little secret. The shorter time you stay for a visit, the better the visit.
The past few days I've been running around the busy streets of Melbourne. Not a lot of action, but still good. I've made some cool purchases over the past few days. Nothing elegant, but cool. I'll update you on my shopping habits as soon as I get back to school. Speaking of getting back to school, I will be taking that drive tomorrow. I'm a slacker at everything. Tonight, the result of my slacking is the fact that my car is almost empty. Which means, I need to go do that. I hope to see or talk to you all later. Pray for me as I drive. Pray for our country too. With songs of love and heartache...
"Wake up, jumped out my bed. Hung in a 2 man cell wit my homie Lil 1/2 Dead. Murder was the case that they gave me. Dear God, I wonder can you save me? I'm only 18, so I'm a young buck. It's a ride, if I don't scrap, I'm getting stuck. But that's the life of a G, I guess... It ain't nuttin like the street life. Betta be strapped wit yo clip, cuz ain't no fist fight. So I guess I gots ta handle mine. Since I did the crime, I gots ta do my time." Lil Ghetto Boy by Dr. Dre from the album, The Chronic.
I just returned from a late night jam session with my good friend Eric Linton. He is learning bass guitar, and so he wanted me to rock out with him for a little bit. We got to talking about life as always, and he was talking about this girl he met who he is pretty interested in. So he is happy considering that this girl is also pretty smitten herself. We ended up talking about my current singleness, and why I am single.
I have been single for over two years now, and it has been a rough time. Alot of people look at singleness as a blessing, although sometimes I see it as a burden. The main reason I have been single is from lack of options. I live in a small town which is inhabited by a small bible college, and so you only meet small town bible college girls. You would think that this would be THE place for meeting great christian girls. Well maybe for some people, but not for me. The kind of girls I am interested in rarely find themselves within 8 hours of me. They are usually sitting in coffee houses sipping irish creme lattes while reading the latest Harry Potter novel. Or they are watching Braveheart for the 50th time. Maybe they are even getting online to buy tickets for the closest Dave Matthews show. All I know is, she is not here. Maybe she is overseas or something.
I feel like I am giving the wrong impression here. I am not trying to bash girls who go to a bible college. It's just that from my experince at a bible college, I have never met the kind of girl I desire. I do want a girl who has a relationship with Jesus Christ, but there are other things I want in a girl as well. I have honestly tried not to limit myself when it comes to relationships. My first love lived 10 hours away in Tennessee, and I was fine with the distance. Of course we never really dated, but thats another story. I have even talked to a few girls online that I think would have been wonderful girls to date, but things never worked. I have dated girls from church, from chance meetings at the mall, and from college. Still things never seem to fit together. Not in God's plan I suppose. Well I wish He would send me a memo or something.
For those of you who don't know, I have a thing for foreign girls. Girls with accents. I told a friend of mine a few months back that I was just going to sell everything I own and move to Scotland and meet a good scottish girl and live the rest of my life with her. Maybe I could get a job mixing drinks at a pub or something! A guy can dream cant he? It's a good thought anyways. I think when I get out of film school, I will move to Scotland. I mean, I may not have my dream girl, but I could live in my dream country. Then maybe my highlander nickname will actually have some meaning.
Heres a question for you girls: what is it excatly that you want? I have tried to figure it out forever! I dont understand any one of you. You all confuse me to the point of insanity, and yet I still want one of you! You all say you want sweet, honest and caring guys who will treat you with respect, and yet all you ever date is jerks. The nice guys are all sitting together scratching their heads wondering what the heck is going on. If one of the nice guys does get chosen, he ends up getting dropped a month later so the girl can date another jerk! I dont get it. I am single because of that very reason, except instead of just getting dropped, I got cheated on and then dropped. Yay for me. So here I am two years later still confused, so please tell me ladies, what do you want?
My apologizes for all the rabbits that have been chased. I just kept typing and all of this came out. I get lonely and frustrated with it all sometimes, and writing and prayer are about the only things that can keep me saited. I could make a list of the things I want in a girl, but I dont think lists are a good thing. My basic want from a girl is a good relationship with Christ, and the desire to try and have a good relationship with me. It would be nice is she looked good and had green eyes also! However, I hate seeming shallow, although I know I am shallow sometimes, so theres no use in hiding it. I have no idea why I felt the need to share all of this with you guys, but whats done is done. Maybe some of you guys have some good thoughts ( or a girl you wanna hook me up with! j/k)!
I suppose every person goes through this kinda thing, I just think it happens to me pretty frequently. I guess I am just anxious for one of those theiving females to come along and steal my heart.
Kissing the fire of your lips, melts the ice frozen to my heart
I am sure most of America has been glued to the TV for the past few days watching history unfold in the Middle East. I am sure each of us knows someone over there who is fighting for our freedom, and our prayers and thoughts go out to them. I am also sure that God is still in control even during wartimes. One thing I have noticed over the past months is the emergence of the anti-war protestor. War has been looming over our heads for some time now, pretty much ever since September 11th, and I believe Bush's decision is the right one. I also think the U.S. government has used war as a last resort, and did everything they could do to avoid the things that have happened this week. So why can't the protesters shut up?
First of all, I am not attacking Hollywood, or the Dixie Chicks, or anyone else for that matter. I am sure there is some guy down the street from me that has the exact same opinion as some of the celebrities do. I think these people have a right to think and believe what they want, even if they are wrong in their actions. I also do not think that they are any less patriotic than I am. Being against a war doesnt take away from your love of your country. However, I think there comes a point where you have to accept the choices your country has made, and be there to support her, and die for her if called to. The funny think to me is that these people call themselves anti-war. Well I don't really know anyone who is pro-war. Let me explain what I mean by that.
I don't know any person living in this country that enjoys the idea of going and killing another person in order to bring about a peace among them. I am sure that most people would prefer a peaceful solution. Maybe in a perfect world, things could always be resolved without guns. However, read history. Our freedom was born because of our willingness to fight a tyrannical regime. We glorify the American Revolution in our history books, and we pat George Washinton on the back for his heroism. I doubt if Washington enjoyed being in a war with England. I am sure he wanted a peaceful solution to the conflict. I am sure the american people did also, but they picked up their rifles and stood behind their country, and fought and died for the freedom they loved. We call these men patriots. So why is this war in Iraq so different? We are fighting to remove a dictatorship from power, and people slam Bush for it? They slander our own government because they don't want innocent people killed? I don't either, but things happen because war is not pretty. I wish we live in a world where things were different, and something as awful as war could be avoided. I wish people could live unified in Christ, but thats just not the case sometimes.
I got off topic a little bit I think, but I said all that to say this: All anti- war guys, think about what your saying. Say your piece and voice your opinon about the war, and then shut up and stand behind your president and your country and be willing to lay your life down for our freedom and for the freedom of others. War is a horrible thing, but the time for being against it is over. The time for speaking out against any military actions in Iraq has passed. It's time to stand up tall, and be proud to be in a country that is not only fighting to protect it's own people, but also trying to liberate a country that has been under a cruel dictator for so long. One final note to all those who feel the need to slam our president's character just because your against the war: Grow up! I would have thought we outgrew stuff like that in middle school. Maybe when our country gets stupid enough to vote you in then you can make some really good choices, since you know so much about being a politician and all. Until that day comes, God give us victory.
Saturday, 1:00 AM, Seven Hours Of Riding From The Original G'ville
So, I made it. *Cheers* I had so much junk to do this afternoon that I didn't acutally leave until around 5 PM. Then about two hours into the trip, I had to stop and take a nap at a rest stop because I was falling asleep. But, I've made it. It looks to be a fun filled few days with the folks. I hope all is well with all of you. Thanks Linsey for visiting the site while you're at your home. Good night from my hometown...
Friday, 9:00 AM, Six Hours Before Spring Break Begins
I've got to wait until 3:00 PM to start driving home. Then I have to wait seven hours while driving. But, I don't have class for five whole days. This is what becoming an adult is all about; looking for the next vacation! With love and hatred...
So, once again, it's my time to write something meaningful. That can sometimes cause a conflict of interest though. Sometimes, I've purposely written things on here so people will read them and become infuriated at what I said. Other times, I've just said things with no real intentions and people got upset. Who knows? Not I. I don't aim to please in my writing. Yet, I always strive to be better and over time evolve into what God would want me to be and want out of me. Thank God for his constancy, I’m surely good at infidelity.
Many things have been happening in my life. I've been earning more debt on Ebay trying to find Beatles vinyl. I've won some all ready and I'll be sure to keep you up to date (like you care). Did you guys watch the Presidential address last night? I thought it was a phenomenal speech and whomever wrote it, the speechwriter or President Bush himself, there was a lot of emotion, heart, truth, and a certain level of realness to it. I say, go USA!
Happenings in the realm of randomness: Relevancy is something that I always try to convey. I write what I want, but I always wish for someone to get something out of it. In these late hours of morning, I often contemplate my greatest of thoughts. Shallowness and egocentrism seem to fade when I’m alone in solace. While I have to be in class in five hours, nothing seems more relevant than trying to figure out today’s meaning to end the days activities. Today contains no such relevancy.
On a lighter note, today in my mental disorders psychology class, we were talking about the sensation that is bedwetting. At some point, we were all expressing our ideas and opinions and it sounded as if we were debating the direct unpleasant incidents of the bubonic plague or something. Seriously, we were rambling off on a tangent and it was getting annoying. Just in case anyone was wondering, there are no bedwetting epidemics going on in our country as far as I know. However, me being the ever jolly one, at an attempt to share humor with the class, I patted my roommate on the shoulder and assured the class that we were going to get his bedwetting 'problem' taken care of and everything was going to be "alright". Some people laughed anyway... Now, I will cry, for my alarm goes off very soon. God speed…
"When you tried to build me up with the wrong words, all it did was kill me. And when you said you trust in all that I feel, I never quite believed you. And when you tried to help me out by telling me how we should be, I disagreed." The Juliana Theory, "Do You Believe Me?", from the album Love.
I recently sent a survey back to some friends, along with some friends I had not heard from in a long time. Two of them sent me mail back. It was really good to hear from them. One of them was my close friend Dave, I had forgot how much I enjoyed his friendship I got his AOL IM nick off his email, and we talked for four or five hours. He hasn't changed a lot, but in other ways he took his personality past where it was when I lost contact. He is a really cool guy. I also got a message from my friend Madrea. It was really good to hear from her as well. All this reminded me of what life, what I, was like back in high school. I would not go back for all the money in the world. Sure, I miss there friendships, but life is far better now. I still have really cool friends, and better yet I have Rosie. I think I like myself better now than I did then. It's good to remember good times, but more important to look to the future. Lord knows where I will be, but it should be fun.
Don't You Hate It When People Don't Return Your Property
The weekend is supposed to be a refresher from the week, right? How come the weekend seems to do nothing but complicate life more? I've watched a lot of movies thus far in the weekend. Some have been with friends. Some have been alone. Either way, no one knew what I was thinking then. And just as I'm being vague know, no one knows what I'm being vague about. Tonight in California, the Facedown Festival is going on. There is a small little band from Arizona playing. They are called Overcome (R.I.P.). While this band is no longer together, their music had a huge impact on my life. Their second release, When Beauty Dies was my first Christian hardcore CD, namely my first anything hardcore. Tonight, there playing a reunion show at the Facedown Festival. Oh, how I'm longing to be in California...
I have nothing worth anything to say right now. I have had a horrible day today, and I wish I had the words to express how I feel. So I am going to be lame and post song lyrics instead of writing a poem, since I have sucked at writing lately, so whats the point? I did have a post about relationships that I was going to write, but I cant right now. I am way too bummed about dating a girl right now, since all they ever do is screw me over. So here is where I am at. Pray for me.
Take till there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scattered pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Where are you?
Where are you?
Did you leave me unbreakable?
You leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?
Cuz I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Cuz I...I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone
And I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
And where...I...I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Once upon a time, there was this girl named Debbie. She ran a website called, His Beautiful Eyes Inside My Silly Head. She somehow mixed journal entries, quotes, thoughts, poetry, and life into each individual post. An amazing writer! An awesome person! And at this point in my day, she is my favorite person in the whole wide world. She did one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. Guess? She wrote me a poem! Can you believe it? How rad is that? It's only because she is wonderful and sweet and encompasses all the things a lady is supposed to be. I am honored and appreciative. Please go read her site and reflect on why I am glowing. Thanks so much Debbie!
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." -Unknown
The Greatest, err… My Top 27 Favorite Beatles Songs of All Time
Yes, it’s time. Time for what you may ask? For the unveiling of something new for To Whom It May Concern. In light of the semi-recent release (2000) of The Beatles 1 record, Chase and I devoted countless hours and compiled our own list of our favorite Beatles tunes (27 in all). We hope to inspire others to do the same and make a list of their own in dedication to the greatest band of all time. We also hope to be doing this again soon with other mutual music favorites. Until then, please enjoy and download some of these songs. I think it’s fine that some people don’t necessarily like the Beatles. But, please realize and recognize their innovations, influences, and sheer astonishing ability to make great rock ‘n’ roll…
The Top 27 Favorites of Jeff Watkins
27. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)
26. Two Of Us
25. Till There Was You
24. The Fool On The Hill
23. You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away
22. Happiness Is A Warm Gun
21. All You Need Is Love
20. I’m Only Sleeping
18. While My Guitar Gently Weeps
17. She Loves You
16. For No One
15. A Day In The Life
14. The Long And Winding Road
13. Here Comes The Sun
11. We Can Work It Out
10. Let It Be
7. Dear Prudence
6. And I Love Her
5. If I Fell
4. Eleanor Rigby
3. Across The Universe
2. Here, There And Everywhere
And my number one favorite Beatles song of all time:
Also, make sure to visit Eye Level to see Chase’s favorites.
I feel beat down. I'm back and white as ever. I've been thinking and I've come to a conclusion: There are no bad days only bad people. Today was amazing, but how would I know? I'm evil. I got everything in the world to feel good about, but I feel defeated. I feel beat down. I went to apply for a job this afternoon. Job applications make me feel like I've gotten nowhere in life. I can barely put together a list of references, I don't have the kind of skills or experience that fit well into the little boxes on applications,and i've only ever had one job. Why? Because I'm a doomed failure? Maybe, but its not as though I haven't tried. They used to say that's what matters. Maybe I should sell myself. I believe in God's provision but I also feel a deep sense of urgency and responsibility to plan ahead. The future is expensive. There's a powerful little lady named Sally Mae who I owe a total of about 10,000 dollars. She has her fist clinched tightly around my throat. No wonder I have asthma. Sometimes I just wish she would smother me with a pillow. Get it over with, you know? Right now, I'm residing here in the computer lab attempting to catch up on mounds of work I'm behind on. That's the usual tale of woe from me, but the pathetic part is I'm actually working my butt off this semester. I don't mind working like this for the rest of my life, I just want to get caught up.
I've got to get up for class in three hours. I've updated the site a tad. I added some new links and added some new blogs, so please visit them because they are our friends. Just as you are our friend. My bed is fixing to be my best friend...
After seven days
He was quite tired, so God said:
'Let there be a day
Just for picnics, with wine and bread'
He gathered up some people he had made
Created Blankets and laid back in the shade
The people sipped their wine
And what with God there, they asked him questions
Like: do you have to eat
Or get your hair cut in heaven?
And if your eye got poked out in this life
Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?
God suffled his feet and glanced around at them
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him
So he said: 'Once there was a boy
Who woke up with blue hair
To him it was a joy
Until he ran out into the warm air-
He thought of how his friends would come to see;
And would they laugh or had he got some strange disease?'
God suffled his feet, and glanced around at them
The people cleared their throats and satred right back at him
The people sat waiting
Out on their blankets in the garden
But God said nothing
So someone asked him, 'I beg your pardon:
I'm not quite clear about what you just spoke-
Was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?'
God shuffle his feet and glanced around at them
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him
You Remind Me Of A Secret I Was Never Supposed To Tell
They say Friday night is the loneliest night of the week. Oh, contra! Saturday and Sunday night are lonely as well. This weekend has been a fair one, but I've enjoyed it even more because my roommate has been in Jacksonville visiting his fiancé. So, I've been in solace. I like to be alone a lot more when I have the place to myself. When my roommate is here, I like to be away because I can never get peace and quiet. Friday night, I didn't do anything but go to sleep early. Saturday night, Sean Tanner and I had the pleasurable experience of having dinner cooked for us by Kristen Crews. Then we went back to his place and watched Sweet Home Alabama. Yes, make fun; I don't know why I wanted to watch it either. There's even more of a reason to laugh now, it's the second time I've seen it. Be prepared all you Beatles fans. At some point this week, Chase and I will be posting our own Top 27 favorite Beatles tunes. That's it for now. Signing off from G'ville...
"If I fell in love with you. Would you promise to be true and help me to understand? Because I've been in love before and I've found that love was more than just holding hands..." If I Fell by Beatles
First off, I owe Kathy an apology. I am sorry. She might not care or ever read the site again, but I owe her a confession of my wrongdoing, and that is what I’m doing. I did not intend for the post to be taken in the manner it was, but nevertheless, I did do a jerky thing. I took a late night conversation on AIM and made a post out of it. While this isn’t necessarily a bad idea, the person whom I was speaking about in the post (Kathy) knew the context in which we had originally talked earlier in the evening. Then she came here and had to read a new conversation, which had a new context all to its own, about our previous conversation. But, this time it sounded a lot more negative. Rightfully so, she got upset. Like I said, I realize it was wrong to post it and I’m sorry. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think she was going to read it and that is why I did it (just being a typical stupid guy who didn’t think). They say honesty is the always the best policy. So, here we go…
The title of the post is a poor attempt to make a humorous jab at my life. I often get into trouble for opening my mouth. Yet, this time it was for writing. I do apologize for the approach I took in posting an unclear conversation. However, I will not apologize for what I wrote—the thoughts and opinions I have, which is what I believe. Here’s a detailed version of what my thoughts are, in context.
In life, when it comes down to it, everything you like or dislike, all boils down to one thing: preferences. Variety—the spice of life. People in western civilization tend to be a bit greedy. We want what’s right for ourselves and assert the necessity to find the things that make us feel good. Well, in trying to avoid this whole relativistic idea, I argue that when you speak about things such as God, family, and a spouse, there are certain absolutes. I believe that the God of the Bible is the one true God and his son Jesus Christ, is the way, the truth, and the life because the Bible says so. That is an absolute, not because I said it, but because God said it. Well, I’d also like to think that when I talk about girls, I’m referring to an inevitable one that I will eventually marry. I only plan on getting married once, so I’m going to be pretty darn picky about who I marry. Moreover, what type of girl I look for in a potential spouse. After all, I’ve got to spend my life with her. Or do we forget that “until death do us part” thing? Now Justin argues, “…My friends don’t even have the same tastes as I do. So how could I expect the girl to?” Well, I don’t have to live with my friends forever. Nor do I have to love them as a husband should love his wife. You see, I don’t want some girl who is attractive now and who can tolerate me. If that’s the point, shoot… I’ll be fine just God and me. I want a girl who means so much to me, that without her, I’m incomplete. By all means, I will be willing to accept my wife for her flaws because she will certainly be accepting me for mine (I have many). So, you can bet I’ll particular about the one I choose.
Now, I know no one is saying to me, don’t be particular. But, I do think everyone is throwing around the word superficial way too easily. I will admit it, I am superficial and yes I even have my moments of trendyness. Who doesn’t? I am Not going to say if you like top 40 music and shop at the Gap, you do not have a good grip on reality. Sure, I question your motives and I question the motives of my friends and people I talk to; I even question my own. It does not mean that I don’t like you or think that you are stupid, I’m just trying to make sure that you know why you do the things you do. People do it to me all the time and I have to constantly defend my ideas and reasons for not shopping at the Gap or why I despise mainstream radio. I could get my doctorate in being Independent and write a 200 pages dissertation on why I have these ideologies. But really, I’m not doing or thinking anything new, so, I guess I’m being trendy. Who cares?
Ok, now onto the problem with that silly post. The point I was making in my conversation with Amber Marie was here is an attractive girl who so far likes(ed) talking to me. She’s very attractive, but yet, I don’t understand or agree with her preferences in music or fashion. I’m sorry that I implied she was interested in me. She was not! Amber knew that I was saying. Yes, I was stereotyping and putting her into one category of girls. But, I did this to prove a point. That point being, these attractive girls who are into me, I’m typically not in to, for these various reasons (Abercrombie, Timberlake, and trendyness) and I was giving an example of a girl who, at the time, enjoyed talking to me. When I listed things like, I want a girl who enjoys getting cards from me and talking to me about carrots, I didn’t mean these were substantial demands. These are things I desire from a girl; I wasn’t trying to show that these are tenants for a possible relationship. They are expressions of love and simplicity. When it comes down to it, I just want to be loved. I have things I demand for a possible spouse. Contrary to popular belief, where she shops or what her musical preferences are is not the criteria. For the record, I don’t date a girl unless she is or does the following:
1. Is a Godly woman, or at best, a Christian.
2. We have mutually all the same beliefs
3. A virgin (Not a demand, but a desire, I'm picky)
4. Want to work with youth; enjoys working with youth.
5-12 Are characteristics: funny, smart, selfless, honest, encouraging, biblical, slow to anger and things like easy to talk to, etc...
And the last thing would be to like or stand punk rock. Because it’s not fun listening to something all the time if you don’t like it and I happen to consume a lot of it and want a girl who can sing along too (more for humor).
Like I said, those are the qualities I look for in girls. I think it’s applicable to say that I don’t particularly go after girls with Gap bags on their arms as some guys would want to go after a girl who is easy to talk to. What’s the difference? Well nothing, really. I think those elements “to go after” are things of equal superficiality. Of course when something involves what a person likes as opposed to who a person is, it becomes slathered with superficiality. Some might even say shallow. But really, they are still pretences of preferences. They still relate to superficiality because they are not concrete things you want and believe you need in a spouse. Take a look at the word Superficial:
SU-PER-FI-CIALAdj. 1. Of, affecting, or being on or near the surface: a superficial wound.
2. Concerned with or comprehending only what is apparent or obvious; shallow.
3. Apparent rather than actual or substantial: a superficial resemblance.
4. Trivial; insignificant: made only a few superficial changes in the manuscript.
Like I said, that conversation was a taken-out-of-context rant on AIM and not an inventory of what my wife should or should not be. Basically, the things I would prefer in her. The things I listed above are the important things. When it comes down to it, everything I love about her should stem from who she is, what kind of person she is, and who she is in Christ. Anything else is a minor threat. The reason I don’t shop at those stores, listen to that music, or like trendy things is because it’s a choice I have made. All in all, I don’t even want a girl who would just agree with me on everything. It would be nice to just have a girl who understood me. That’s really it. She can shop wherever she wants and listen to whatever she wants. She should just know, respect, and understand why I don’t do it. I would do the same for her and I have. Again, I am sorry for where I’m wrong. If you disagree, that’s fine. If you agree, that’s ok too. Just know the reasons why you think things and be ready to defend them. But, never be so closed minded that you don’t hear someone’s argument. That’s a tool to understanding people. It also causes a realization within you. Before you change the world, you have to be willing to change yourself…
“Well, who cares if we’re apart for the big days. It’s the small ones that made me fall in love with you.” The Only Gift That I Need by Dashboard Confessional
My Thoughts on Relationships (and Girls) : Part One
In light of the recent discussions on the site, I have some thoughts of my own to add. First off, I do not know the whole situation or excatly what was said (wasnt said), so I am shooting from the hip. Keep in mind that these are my personal viewpoints, and can be disagreed with.
When it comes to girls and relationships, I dont have too much experince, unless you count getting backstabbed. However, I do have some standards when it comes to the kind of girl I want to date, as does everyone else. Although I disagree with letting something such as clothes or musical tastes get in the way. Thats a little too shallow in my book. I get upset at girls when they look at me and expect me to dress, or look a certian way, so why should I expect them to dress differently? As far as musical tastes, I do not expect to ever find a girl who has the exact same tastes as I do. I mean how many chicks jam to the sounds of Seven Nations or Coldplay? My friends dont even have the same music, so why would I expect a girl to?
I also love movies. Everyone who knows me would say I am movie buff, and I can talk about film to pretty much anyone. However, thats me. It's not (and shouldnt) be a requirement for my girlfriend. Have we turned these petty issues into mountians of importance? Are the clothes, music, and movie tastes really the things we should be focused on? I doubt it. Maybe you should focus on how well you get along with the person, or their walk with God, or maybe the person they truly are on the inside. On my end, I wouldnt let something so petty as Gap clothing get in the way of what could be a great relationship. Of course most of the Gap girls couldnt get past my shaggy hair and gotee, but I cant change that can I? I hope this note made sense, and maybe everyone can learn something, or at least have something to think about. Dont kill me in the comment board. God bless.
Part Two What I like and Dislike about Girls coming soon
Also Thoughts on The Christian Subculture: Part Two still in the works
Tonight, a newly acquired friendship with a special girl named Amber Marie was just the medicine I needed. Amber is Jeremy Cook’s cousin. And while she and I have only known each other for a few months, we have become quite the tight little pair of homiez. Anyway, we were talking about past relationships and things and it struck up a chord within me. I showed her a picture of a girl who is kind of into me or something. Anyway, I was telling her why I’m not into girls like this paticular one. Basically, what I look for in a girl. Here’s the converstion:
JeffyJeffW: the girl all the way to the left with the white shirt one
XloveliesmurderX: aww she’s cute
JeffyJeffW: And while, she's attractive... she shops at abercrombie, likes justin timberlake's solo career, and gets mad at me because I abhor trendyness
JeffyJeffW: she thinks it's cool
JeffyJeffW: these are the characteristics that annoy me about girls
XloveliesmurderX: i concur
JeffyJeffW: i want a girl to know why the Beatles are the best band; what made them so influential
JeffyJeffW: i want a girl who can appreciate every poem i write about her
JeffyJeffW: i want a girl to love my singing
JeffyJeffW: i want a girl who likes getting cards from me
XloveliesmurderX: yehhh that’s cute
JeffyJeffW: i want a girl who i could have a conversation about carrots with
JeffyJeffW: i want a girl who wants to work with youth
JeffyJeffW: i want a girl who's not affarid to do what she wants, because she wants to do it
XloveliesmurderX: you should copy and save these things
JeffyJeffW: for what
JeffyJeffW: there in my head :-)
XloveliesmurderX: because sometimes you lose sight
XloveliesmurderX: and you start takin anythin
JeffyJeffW: or people
JeffyJeffW: i agree... and i have
JeffyJeffW: but i'm so determined now, i think
XloveliesmurderX: haha good stay that way
There was a point to this, but now I’m not sure. I’m just fed up with girls, dating, and the perpetual hope of finding this love-thing…
So, I'm sick... We're watching a patch of grass grow today at 3:30 PM CST. I feel like a kid on rainy Saturday when there is nothing to do. I mean, yeah I'm an adult. I have some money, I have a car, and I could go find something to do. But, when you’re sick, your energy and effort level just flops. Last night I went to bed around 11:00 P.M. and I didn't get up until ten or twelve hours later. I went by Mike Sutton's place to see what he was up to. We grabbed a bite to eat at Burger King and swung by the local Goodwill. I found a very old and worn copy of War and Peace. Not that I'm opposed to reading it, just don't know that I ever will. I think the main reason I bought it was for the sheer novelty of having it and possibly one day reading it. Good times so far. I think later I will be posting my favorite song that I've ever written. Stay tuned for that...
"If I only had an ocean to compliment the sky. I'd pull it down and paint it for you and I'd never question why. Cause 'red would mean you loved me' and 'blue would mean you cared' but black my heart when left alone to cold and killing stairs." The Sound by Further Seems Forever from How To Start A Fire.