and so is your mom.

So, just to inform those of you who do not communicate with me verbally or textually, I did not gain acceptance to either Rice University or the University of Louisville. This means that the crossroads I am at is bigger than I imagined.

As I sit with a ton of books around me, I wonder, "Does philosophy dictate the style of architecture, or is it the other way around?"

My life is nothing but a gamble. And I usually win.

Perhaps this time is different.

Do I teach? Do another Masters? What if I am supposed to be nothing but just be?

"Wisest is she who knows she does not know..." -- Socrates

Song lyrics, poems, and the sentiments written by others are the most useful things I possess. Matter of fact, I will make a career of it. By doing research and reading other people's words, I will somehow tell others what these men and women meant in their writings. Nuancing those thoughts in such a way to come up with a semi-new idea, I will publish it; for this is a doctoral dissertation. I am not there yet. I may never get there. But as the last several posts of songs have indicated, it's all I've got now. It's sort of ironic: I will write a lot in my life and now, when the written word matters most, I have very few thoughts to convey.

I need a break. A break from all the brokenness. Truth be told, all the disaster I experience in life comes from these two hands. Wiser men have said the things I echo. Here is where my heart is and here it shall stay. If you want to keep in touch with me, you know how. I suppose I already keep in touch with those who matter most anyway. Most of my words here have been written to showcase my so-called intellect or to boast about my ability to capitalize on people unaware of deals by selling them reduced cost items on the web. I cannot come up with anything original. I have failed my doctoral dissertation defense.

Of all the people no longer in my life, the ones that felt like they had to leave, I always viewed their actions as their own choosing of the consequent. Now, I know, I was the one who alienated them. Misfortune is not the enemy, nor is misused intention. The true killer of life and love is a lack of concern for somebody else. I have killed before and I may kill again.

Andrea once left a package of disposable douche on my car and laughed at the intended humor (because I often joked about being such a thing). She was right, though. I am a douche. That's it. I should not have taken offense at the time but merely laughed like she did at first. A leopard cannot change his spots now can he? Given a chance to prove I'm not a spotted-creature, what do I do? I do nothing. Or, rather, I do the exact same thing that one may predict for me to do. Chase told me being predictable isn’t a crime. So, I attest that a leopard cannot change his spots.

At the end of the day, I never profess to be perfect. Hell, I never really try to be perfect. But, therein lies the dilemma. As the old King James Bible says, "Be ye perfect, as I am perfect." Even though humanity fails, the measure of a person is in the attempt, not necessarily the victory. If I had shown one iota of compassion to the many people who chose to love me, I might still be able to rely on them. I have learned more about Christianity from people who really didn't claim to be Christians.

These are the words that currently resonate within my heart:

Death Cab For Cutie - "We're not the same, dear, as we used to be. The seasons have changed and so have we. There was little we could say and even less that we could do. To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you." ("The Ice Is Getting Thinner")

Jeremiah 17:9 - "The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it?" (Bible, American Standard Version)

Pedro The Lion - "My old man always swore that Hell would have no flames. Just a front row seat to watch your true love pack her things, and drive away." ("The Poison")

Postal Service - "You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex. A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting. And, I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving." ("The District Sleeps Alone Tonight")

The Juliana Theory - "Everything I have in mind, it begins to fade away. I searched for it and I longed for it and now I know it's gone. Everything has slipped away. And I'm so overwhelmed. Everything that rests upon my shoulders fell. I would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves, I'm sorry. And everyone I've held in my arms, I believed I've pushed away. I would be there if I could be there.
But as it stands, I'm gone. Everyone has slipped away. Don't be overwhelmed. Everyone that loved me more than I could tell, I'm sorry. There's a private Hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves. Everyone has slipped away. Everyone has slipped away. Everyone has slipped away. Everything has slipped away. ("As It Stands")

Give up, Jeff.

It was not tricky to enjoy
A cigarette in hand was the key to understanding
To seek out and to destroy
The mindless oversights
A string of faithless nights

We sing again
Sing together with quiet eyes
I'd lower my chin to my chest
I thought that would be best

Another pattern of the bricks
Bundles of cells dividing
And South Dakota driving
The very darkest, dirty tricks
If we still cared at all we'd send a battle call

We sing again
Sing together with firey eyes
A rangle alive in our chests
No this is not a test

Let's sing again
Sing together without disguise
Let's raise up a song in unrest
I think that would be best

Here's to poison
You will hear the noises
You will feel the breaking
It's all yours for the taking

A life packed full of mindless joy
It is not easy to enjoy

Chris Walla, from Field Manuel

The sun shines and leaves blow
And my hope like autumn is turning brown
And I know it seems like I'm always falling down

But it does not matter to me
Although it seems like it should
It's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say,
"Rest in me little David Jeffery
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armor
And have no fear
Cause I'm always here
When you're tired of running
And I'm all the strength that you need"

It's uphill both ways
Tomorrow I swear I won't act this way
And I know it seems like that is what I always say

But it does not matter to me
Although it seems like it should
It's because I know I'm understood when I hear Him say,
"Rest in me little David Jeffery
And dry all your tears
You can lay down your armor
And have no fear
Cause I'm always here
When you're tired of running
And I'm all the strength that you need"

You know I want to be like Jesus
But it seems so very far away
When will I learn to obey

By Pedro The Lion, from Whole EP

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

by Jimmy Eat World, from Futures

I think I'm gonna be sad,
I think it's today, yeah.
The girl that's driving me mad,
Is going away.

She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.

She said that living with me,
Is bringing her down, yeah.
For she would never be free when I was around.

She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.

I don't know why she's riding so high,
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me.

I think I'm gonna be sad,
I think it's today, yeah.
The girl that's driving me mad,
Is going away.

She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.

I don't know why she's riding so high,
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me.

Before she gets to saying goodbye,
She ought to think twice,
She ought to do right by me.

She said that living with me,
Is bringing her down, yeah.
For she would never be free when I was around.

The Beatles, from Help!

It's okay for me to say I love you
And it's okay for you to cry
The sorrow that you are feeling you should not deny
So why is it so trying to express the way I feel?
Just one moment you steal
Just one moment
Just one
Just one moment
Just one
Just one moment you steal
I still care and I still feel
Time and again
It's all too real
Separate and detache myself
I was running from all the pain I felt
I wasquestioning the way I am and the things with which I've dealt
Somewhere in the foothills of my mind
I know my ways just aren't right
They're not right
So I'll shrug it off and wear a grin
I'll carry on and just pretend
I still care
I still feel
Time and again it's all too real

by Stretch Arm Strong, from Rituals of Life

I never check the links I list on my blog. It has been so long since I've read any one's words. I did, however, recently realize that my own information was incorrect. I have been selling my stuff (and now mostly items I buy at reduced prices) on Amazon.com via the Marketplace for nearly six years. I sell books, DVDs, Cd's, etc. If you get a hankering for something and just want to spend some money, see if I have it. I'll even cut you a break if you're a friend. At some point, Amazon gave me my own store-personalized address. Perhaps everyone receives their own store now, but I know one used to be required to purchase a store. The link to my store was previously this long address convoluted with letters, numbers and a plethora of backslashes. Now, it is the very simple:

http://www.amazon.com/shops/punkboy11

Please stop by, I just may have what you always wanted. Or, just splurge and help me out.

P.S. I just lowered the price on nearly everything I'm selling.