Re: Re: Singleness Is Bliss (Edited, Expanded, Corrected)
I wrote this blog while in college. I updated a year later. Now, four years later, certain sentiments still ring true. I thought it was appropriate to resurrect this on Valentine’s Day:
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I find love? Why can't I find that one special person for me? These are questions that people often ask themselves when they think about their losses and failures in love. I myself, though I tend to think of some of mine as success stories, often indulge my mind into self-reflection on these very same questions. My answer? I should just not think about it anymore. But, I still do…
The plague of this couple-ridden week is almost over. And yes, I have endured. I sit in my room alone, still, and wonder, “won't this ever end?” While I'm I getting ready for work, I contemplate my relationships of old. I don't usually do much soul-searching regarding my past loves because frankly, I think I've been the one who has messed them all up. Of course, there were equal crimes committed by both, her(s) and I, but I still wonder about them. Yes, I have been the one to break up with a girlfriend before or decided a girl and I shouldn't seek a relationship anymore, but besides that, I know they weren't all my fault. Right? Of course not! It is close to impossible and highly improbable for one person to simply be the entire reason for any failures that his or her love life has ever suffered. Yet, these are the same thoughts that have kept me up so many nights before. But, really, why do we go around and spend time dwelling on who was right or wrong? Most of the time, all we're really doing is seeking to find only one answer to a certain question: what the heck happened? That's the key question to anyone who has ever had an unsuccessful relationship. I'll expound on mine later if need, but the source to all my bent up hostilities and bitterness goes far back, beyond anything you could imagine.
You see, the story of my relationships goes all the way back to the nice mature age of three or four. I was in preschool at Harbor City Baptist Church in my hometown of Melbourne, Florida. It was there that I had my first physical experience with the female gender. Her name was uh...well...ugh... I don't remember her name. Can you blame me? It was twenty-four years ago. Anyway, I remember trying to convince this young lady (and I do mean young) to kiss me in the bathroom. If you recall, old church buildings used to have bathrooms in the nursery between two classrooms that could be entered from both sides because each room had a door into the bathroom. Well, it was my clever scheme to have that girl go in one side of the bathroom and I would go into the other classroom and go in through that door. Then, we would meet in the middle and enjoy a few seconds of kissing pleasure (I swear this was going through my mind). Ok, maybe not all of the detail, but I really did try to make this happen. Yes, even children are depraved. As time and age would allow it, the girl didn't want to have any part of it. She just wanted to be friends. This was the foundation of my life and the beginning of my journey through this crazy thing called love, and as it would be, numerous failed relationships.
I cannot even begin to start and explain all of my relationships past and present. But, I can begin by telling you what I've learned about the opposite sex. While all of the previous rambling was mere humor into the perspective of my love life, I seriously can simplify my thoughts back to the days of my post-terrible-two's. I didn't get that girl then and I my date book isn't necessarily any fuller these days. What it comes down to is this: I didn't understand that girl then and certainly don't understand women now. For example: while in college, some friends at my school wore all black on Valentine’s Day. While I found it somewhat funny, other parts annoyed me. I know what you’re thinking, and yes I was wearing black too. But, why should I have to change my color-coordinating preferences because some girls want to humorously protest the "love-day?" If you are single, that doesn't indicate anything. It just means you are not currently in a relationship. It certainty doesn't constitute you being considered a dork, unsuccessful, nerdy, or some other witty junior high euphemism. You make a day like Valentine's Day mean what you want it to. If you want to act like you are a failure because you don't have a significant other, then so be it. But, you are just as successful of a person with or without a relationship. It's just plain nonsense to see it any other way. I thought we found our confidence in Christ? Not in feeling all lovey-dovey one day a year. That's why I had a problem with those girls at my school. Anyway, as it would be, I still don't understand the ladies.
Like I said previously, I've felt insecure in my past relationships, like I've caused them to fail. Inevitably, it was just one of the unexplainable occurrences in life. Whether it wasn't God's will, I messed up, she messed up, it was by chance, our free agency, predestination, who knows? All I do know is that it ended and caused me to do one of four things:
1. Get sad.
2. Write a poem
3. Get mad
All in all, I'd say the average results aren’t too bad. Those relationships still ended and I can't explain that. I'm sure it's like that for everyone, but at this point in my life, I'd like some explanations. Maybe all I'm looking for is closure? Maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse to rethink and rehash old flames that were extinguished long ago?
Nevertheless, I voyage on to find the 'one for me' or whatever ideals about love I have been brainwashed into me. You know, I don't know if there is one special person for me, or if there are several gals out there who would be a perfect match. I don't know anything. The older I get and the more educated I get, the more I realize that there is so much more to learn and I don't really know that much. Thus, I feel dumber.
I think that is another key to growing up. And for a Christian, realizing that you cannot do anything outside of yourself and you must rely dependent upon God for everything. Whether your job, your love, or you finances. That's the focal point of Christianity and at the least, adulthood. The thing I now have to come to grips with is realizing how inconsequential all those other things are. Passed relationships, failed or successful are still, in the past. We should remember history, certainly, but never let it sit as the center of our attention for too long. If the past is dwelt on for too long, one can become disenchanted with reality. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Regrets don't do any good because you cannot change the things that have already been done. Learn, live, and just it let go.
I know this is a really long post and you're waiting for the conclusion or the point to this. Essentially, you want something significant to take with you. Sorry folks, there are no earth-shattering revelations in this one. It stands a mystery to me, as do some other aspects of life. All I know is, until I seek the Lord fully and until I am only relying on him to fulfill me wholly, I won't be able to understand life or grasp the mystery that is the opposite sex, known simply to us all as women.
"Whether truth is stronger than either wine, the king or woman" [I'll never know.]
- Thomas Aquinas. From his work, Commentary on the Ethics of Aristotle.