Not a lot has been going on this week. The slant of the times has skewed my ability to stay up late and sleep the next day, thus skipping classes. Our school has an attendance policy. You can miss up to 11 times, but on the 12th, you fail. The other day was number 8 for me. I cannot take any chances and that is why I am up and in class at 8:30 A.M.
This semester I have taken 21 hours, which is one more than last and I find myself not quite as busy or even as stressful as the latter. I think last semester was the most stressing time period in my entire life. These days are not too bad. Just looking to get through about 18 more days and then graduation and then working full time at an undisclosed location (undisclosed because I have no idea where yet).
Well, that’s it for such an early post. I’ll have more later, when my eye lids can stay open by themselves. I need a toothpick or tape!
"Here I stand, head in hand, turn my face to the wall. If she's gone, I can't go on, feeling two foot small. Everywhere people stare, each and every day. I can see them laugh at me, and I hear them say, 'Hey! You've got to hide your love away.'" The BeatlesYou've Got To Hide Your Love Away from the album Help!
Bang! Two in a Row Sometimes a blog feels like a radio show. Don't you worry. No contests or giveaways here. But lucky you, sometimes we can be as annoying as a regular home grown disc jockey. Yeah...
I'm thinking about trimming my beard like Jack Nicholson 's in Anger Management. By the way, that was a fun movie.
"Caller Nine gets a free all expense paid vacation getaway weekend to the lovely land of Graceville, Florida. This trip complete with stay at the city's welfare center and meals provided by Los Amigos. Caller Nine, c'mon..."
Vampire Infestation What do you call a vampire that never draws blood?
I was walking along the river today with Jeffrey, the local,lovable Jamaican. He calls me, "Chessie." As we strolled he asked me, "What are you chasing after?" In the tradition of his corny joke and corny jokes that abound in our christian subculture I said, "chasing only Jesus." We continued and I pondered the idea of chasing after Jesus. It made me laugh and I spoke again,"but He runs really fast. I can never catch Him."
Later after classes Donna and I rode along Sander's. Two cops stood by the road, very drunken Columbo-esque. I think something was about to go down. So I asked Donna if its law for front seat passenger's to wear their seat belt. I considered buckling up but something occured to me, "They seem pretty busy."
In other news, I've been thinking a lot about the blogosphere recently. I'm actually contemplating a hiatus from Eye Level. If I do decide that you'll see me a little more frequently. Also, I've been thinking about To Whom and its audience. There are certain people I'd rather not read us, you know like illiterate people. I mean its harsh and all but they probably wouldn't get it anyway.
"Are you an illusion? or am I just getting stoned? cause I can't take it alone." -New Radicals
Last Saturday Rosie and I went to Dothan. We went for several reasons. Most importantly it gave me the chance to check out some of my favourite haunts in Dothan...
I love music, I especially love old music. So when possible Rosie and I, like all the To whom writers, make the Dothan Pilgrimage to Slippery Pete's record store at the flea market. I spent my usual 15 bucks buying records. Among them are Bob Dylan's Infidels, Billy Joel's Piano Man, and BOC's Revolution by Night. He is moving into the inside part next weekend, and he is bringing thousands of new records. I'm excited!
We also love books, and so after the flea market we made way to the Red House Book store. Red House is the best new used book store this side of Panama City. Rosie selected two books she was interested in. I also found two, one of which was Dr. Lee's book on Isaiah originally released as a January Bible Study. So many books, so little money. It was good fun.
I love roast beef, and if your in a decent sided town and you want a roast beef sandwich you head to Arbies. The food was good as usual,. and we stored up energy to continue are trip.
In case anyone has missed this fact, I Love Rosie . Next, we went to Andrew's Bridal, behind Sears, to pick out Tuxes for the wedding. What we picked out that was a bit old fashioned with a little bit of new glits. I was impressed.
...Our last stop was at a little place on the way home to pick up a bag of one of my other passions. We then went home. A good deal of my friends and I played one of our favourite games. I got home around one or two o'clock. All and all, it was a successful day.
Wow, I’m pooped! It has been such a long day. Sorry for the lack of updates on my 1/4 of the blog. I started my day out by taking the senior exit exam. No worries here though, I couldn’t have failed it. You see, everyone who enrolls in school has to take it when they come in and then you have to take it when you graduate. Hopefully, you do better on the latter than the first. The test basically consisted of 130 multiple-choice questions about general education, theology, Bible, and a section of questions specifically devoted to your degree. So, I had a lot of psychology questions also. The point of the test is to show the administrators and professors of the school how well of a job they are doing. You can’t pass it or fail it, but if you don’t take it you don’t graduate. So, I made sure I was there. I can call after graduation to see what I made on it. Hopefully I did better this time around; otherwise it shows the skool that me gots more dumber.
Tonight, the graduating class of 2003 all joined together at Marcos Restaurant in Dothan, Alabama for our senior class banquet. I had plans to ask a member of the opposite gender, but that kind of fell through, so I went stag with my homey Sean Tanner. It was fun and there were a lot of good conversations going on at our table. It cost about $25.00 and there really wasn’t enough steak and shrimp for seconds. When I got mine, it was cold because we were the last table to go through the line. So, the money wasn’t worth it, but nevertheless, I had a good time. Toward the end of the evening, we began drawing names randomly for some prizes that they had for us. There were about 10 regular prizes and then one grand prize. Well, I bet you can’t guess whose name got drawn for the grand prize. Yep, that’s right, yours truly. I won a big stuffed dog with a cap and tassel on and a diploma in his mouth. Haha, it was funny and I was surprised that I won. Kind of awkward too, you know, caring around a big stuffed dog and all.
After the banquet was over, Sean and I walked over to the Karaoke room to see what was going on. As we walked in, some very drunk men were up movin’ and a shakin’. It was quite funny to say the least. Sean wanted to sing a song and kept persisting that I should do the same. I neglected on the notion. But, I thoroughly enjoyed his rendition of Billy Joel’s You Maybe Right. At one point, we realized that there were only guys in the room and the only women were the waitresses. Haha, we both looked at each other puzzled and asked “Do you think this is a gay karaoke bar?” Well, it wasn’t, but I have a better understanding of depravity now after spending 30 minutes there. Everybody, except us was drunk. And drunken old men, country music, and a microphone never mix. Overall, I’d have to say it was a pleasant evening…
“Lobby lines with stairs, rebuke the structure. A kiss on the hand, fades to Gods will. And i would kill to see your face..." Winter Kiss by Embodyment from the album The Narrow Scope of Things.
"People are strange when your a stranger
Faces are ugly when your alone...
...Faces come when out of the rain
When your strange
No one one remembers your name
When your strange"
This is what comes to mind when I think of my friends, who once again are here keeping me up past when I should like. This time they are talking about a scheme to have Nikki' beat up Frank while shuffling through a deck of Hooters playing card. My friends smoke crack, not really... but still. Life has been very busy, but very great. Rosie and I are trying to get things together for the wedding. I am trying to get back in BCF for the Summer and Fall. I am also trying to work, get organized, and maintain a relationship with God. Lord Please Help! Anyway... I'll share more soon.
I know, I know…
The whole Easter bunny thing has to do with the god of fertility or something.
But the candy sure is good.
When you have troubles
Biting the ears off of a chocolate rabbit seem to make it all better.
Thank God for the resurrection of Christ.
Without it, all would be lost.
No hope for anything;
Not for life
Not for peace
Not for love
Not for an after life
Not for salvation
And, no Easter candy.
Remember, significance is relevant. Without truth, there are only lies...
Last night I was thinking about the character in the Bible I admired the most other than Christ. I think most people would say Paul, considering he was an amazing theologian and wrote alot of the New Testement. However, I think I admire Peter more than any other. I think part of it was the simple fact that he walked and talked with Jesus. They hung out pretty much all the time, laughed, cried, played practical jokes on the other disciples. ( hey....it could have happened!) Basically they were best friends.
I liked Peter because he was an ordinary man and he loved Jesus with everything he had in him. He was always with Jesus, and was always trying to do the right thing. He was gutsy. He was the only disciple who was ready to jump out of the boat on a stormy sea and run to Jesus. He was the only one who drew a sword to defend his Master when everyone else backed down. I admire that.
Peter always seemingly had good intentions, yet his best intentions sometimes ended up in horrible failures. He wanted to serve Christ with all of his heart, so much so that he actually challeged the prophecy of Christ. When Jesus told Peter that he would deny Christ, Peter lost it. He basically said there was no way that would ever happen. Peter would never do anything like that, he wasnt Judas. He could never betray his Lord. Oh but he did. Three times he did. It's hard to imagine the look on Jesus' face when He locked eyes with Peter after the rooster crowed. I would like to think Christ looked at him with all the love in the world, and thats the look that broke Peter's heart. I doubt any soul has cried harder any time in history than Peter did that night. Then with a tear stained face he made his way to Golgatha to be with his Lord during His crucifixion.
I am sure Peter's denial haunted him all of Friday, and he considered himself to be the worst failure to ever walk the earth. By the time Sunday came around and the women came to him and reported an empty tomb, Peter was a wreck I would imagine. You have to wonder what was in his mind as he ran to the tomb. Was Jesus really alive? Did someone steal Him? Of course the big question would be: Would Jesus forgive me? I think alot of us struggle with that question even today. We think God cannot forgive us for things we have done, and we let our guilt destroy us. We need to look at Peter, and learn the lessons that he learned.
Finally there is the moment when Jesus and Peter are reunited beside a fire. Everyone is tired and full from the fish, and there is Jesus and Peter sitting there, perhaps alone. I would like to think they were alone, and that Peter was nervous and ashamed about what he had done. He could have been sitting there bracing himself for the moment when Jesus would admonish him for his denial. Or maybe a nice " I told you so" was in order. The finally Jesus breaks the ice and says " Do you love Me?". I am sure Peter could have been knocked over with a feather right then. "Lord, you know I do", he said. "Then feed My sheep", Christ told him.
Jesus asked him this a total of three times, and each with the same response. In each time Peter resonded, I would like to think that when Christ said " Feed My sheep" that He was also saying " I forgive you Peter". Thats the amazing love of Christ, and a prime example of His forgiveness to us.
Peter was a flawed man, and the Bible records his many failures and shortcomings, and thats why I can relate. Peter and I would get along great. I could see us becoming good friends. He could introduce me to fishing and I could show him Star Wars. I like Peter because he is alot like me. I have failed so many times when it comes to serving Jesus, and yet He still forgives me and tries to teach me. He never gave up on me, just like He never abandoned Peter.
I hope that I will continue to grow, and learn from my failures as Peter did. This Easter weekend ( like every other weekend) I will be celebrating the risen Jesus, and contemplating how I can become a stronger man of God. His grace is amazing, and so is His love. Happy Easter to all our readers. May God bless you.
The internet is without a doubt a plethora of information and resources. Supposedly, if you were to go on it for your entire life, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, you would still not be able to come across everything there is to see. Well, I've been using it for more 'meaningful' reasons lately. I often like to visit search engines and type in different things and see the results. Well, one day, I typed in my name. I found our site and a bunch of other things with my name in it. But, the funniest thing I've found has to be an interview with me. Apparently, I was arrested for protesting some animal rights thing. I seem very passionate about this, as you can tell in this interview on the site:
NC: You were on a hunger strike for about the first 30 days of your sentence. What was that like?
Jeff: Well, hunger striking isn't a joke. It's tough on the body, so one relies on the strength existing within. It was the highest mountain I've ever climbed. It's really tough to describe, but the thing I remember the most is the sheer physical weakness. Actually, the human body seeks the nutrients it would receive in food from sleep. So, I was sleeping an awful lot. Would I ever do it again? Absolutely.
I apparently want absolute freedom for all the enslaved animals of the world:
NC: What are your feelings about the animal liberation movement today, in 1997, and where do you think it is headed?
Jeff: I see, far into the future, the eventual unification of humankind and animal. This will take a lot of time and effort, but we are involved in a movement that, technically speaking, is in its infancy. There was a time when Harriet Tubman was called a fanatic, a radical, a terrorist. We now know that Harriet Tubman was, in actuality, a hero--a hero who was confident enough in her beliefs and in her will to act ethically and know that those actions were the morally right things to do...and to hell with the consequences. She stood in the face of adversity!
Go read more about my daring attempt to help the furry creatures of the world. Read the rest of the interview here.
If that sounds boring, go to Google, type your name in, and see where the internet takes you!
My brother Caleb has a band called Capitol Speedway, and they just got one of their songs on mp3.com. They are a rock band out of Tallahassee Fl, and God willing, they will get on a record label sometime soon. Caleb is the frontman, and wrote all the lyrics. Check out the song here, and hopefully youll enjoy it. Keep them in prayer that God will use them.
"The faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel..." Colossians 1:5 NIV
When we have no more energy or strength to persevere to the end, we can still hope "for a brighter future."
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time." 1 Peter 1:3-5 NIV
I'm not really sure of all the meaning that this verse entails, but I know a few things:
- We should praise God more for being who He is, rather than for what he does. Sure, we give thanksgiving for our blessing, but how often do we praise him for his attributes?
- The merciful death and resurrection on the cross gave us a new birth—our ability to be born again. It's a rebirth into a heavenly and spiritual family.
- The word hope here doesn't refer to wishful thinking, but more of a confident expectation of the future. We know what is to come.
- In this, we know that because Christ was resurrected, he will return again. What's the point in dying and resurrecting if you're going to stay gone forever? Christ will return to claim what's rightfully his, the church (the body of Christ).
- The inheritance, our security in our salvation is eternal and can never spoil, fade, be taken from us and have nothing separate us from it.
- Contrary to ancient east, the firstborn will not be the only ones to receive their inheritance, but everyone who accepts Christ’s atonement and his propitiating love will receive an inheritance by having salvation and eternal life with Christ.
Our hope for the future has already been accomplished in the past. The heart of the gospel brings us freedom, hope, faith, joy, and love...
This is me blogging. You can expect to see this every Monday right here on To Whom it May Concern.
I have written here for 15 months. For the past 13 of those I have also had my own site. There have been struggles as to what I should write here. Usually, my preference is to publish whatever I write on my site. Feeling like I didn't contribute much here I have often considered quitting. Now I'm glad I never did. Something wouldn't let me. I'm glad it wouldn't.
The solution to all our problems is simple. It's a subject I don't want to write about there, my family. I don't want to write it there because they are likely to read it. My mother has been a faithful reader since the inception of Eye Level, and sometimes my sister or dad give it a look. I love my family. I even have relatively open communication with them. The problem is not that I have things I can't talk to them about, but moreso that I am not likely to say anything as directly.
Onward to the post...Saturday I cried for the first time in five years.
I didn't go so long because I thought crying made me any less a man. Actually, there have been at least several times in the past five years when I got close to crying but couldn't. Believe me, I wanted to. Until Saturday I thought something might be wrong with my tear ducts. I know better know.
Donna and my mother had gotten to talk for an hour and a half. This was good quality time. From this I can foresee them developing an enriching and edifying friendship. Mother told Donna some of her regrets.
She felt like she and my dad had pressured me to be things I wasn't exactly capable of being. They had such ill-placed high expectations. My sister was salutatorian of her graduating class. I had the ability to do just as well, but some things were in my way. Up until six grade I was an honor student in line for the same academic success Angie had, but that year I gave up. I gave up because everything started to be written on the boards and reading those boards was quite difficult- even from four inches away. No one understood what my problem was and I got the blame. Also, my father pressured me to be some great athlete unaware of how exactly bad my vision was. He thought I was just scared. In fact I couldn't see the ball, that was what scared me.
She felt that they had broken my spirit.
When my sister got married in 1995 I looked forward to receiving the same attention Angie had always gotten. However, we adopted a second cousin of mine. He needed a home and I am glad we took him in. But then I was jealous. Not only this, but his arrival proved to make my life more difficult. My mother saw this and didn't blame me for it as I've always thought but instead felt bad for me.
She also regretted how they did not discover my learning disabilities until eleventh grade.
She took these regrets upon herself. These were the things I had always held against her. I even felt she was naive about all of it, but she wasn't. Her regrets were deeply rooted. They were not selfish. They demonstrated her love better than I had ever understood before.
As Donna continued to tell me about their conversation I commenced to cry. It was freeing. Later that night I cried more. The tears were bittersweet.
Donna and I watched a video of my sister's wedding. I kept seeing my Granny Sheff who passed away around 6 years ago. I watched how I, in ninth grade, escorted my grandmother down the aisle and to her seat. I told Donna about when my grandmother had gone through chemotherapy. As she lost her hair I'd comb what hair that remained and tell her, "Your still pretty to me." The memory and the video combined brought me again to tears. As the wedding played out before my eyes I kept crying.
Angie and Steve left the wedding in a Corvette. Light-heartedly,I commented to Donna about my grandmother, "She was prettier than that car." She could be awful mean and she was known to cuss worse than sailors but she was my grandmother. I miss her.
In that same wedding I walked my mother down the aisle, where she lit one of the unity candles. Then I walked her to her seat. I was reminded how much my mother loved her own mother. I now had a greater understanding of her. She's gone most of her life misunderstood. I regretted not giving her the benefit of the doubt. I regretted not having at least tried to understand her better. I felt remorse for taking her love for granted.
I want her to know. I want my kids to one day see the love I have for my mother. I resolve to love her like she has loved me, and to let that love be seen.
Over the past few hours I have been watching the news. I was overjoyed at the rescue of all of our POW's, and that they are all ok and on their way home. I remember watching the video of them when they were captured, and the fear that I saw on their faces, it truly bothored me. It brings the war practically to your living room. Their fate was unknown and their treatment was almost certianly unfair, and everyone wondered if they would come back home alive. So I was quite relieved to see them rescued and in such good spirits.
The war over in Iraq has gone quite well in my opinion, alot better that I had thought. Seeing Saddam's statue fall was like a modern day "Iwo Jima" moment. Very amazing. It almost makes me wish I was over there,being a part of the history being made.
I have never really considered a military career for the simple fact that I dont enjoy drills, exercise and short hair. I love my country and would fight for her when called for, but military life doesnt interest me. However, I do sometimes wish I was over in Iraq helping out. I have seen guys younger than me already become heroes, and make history in the process.
God calls us all to accomplish different things, and I know me being in Iraq is obviously not what God wanted for me. It was just something I was thinking about, and playing "what if" in my head. More thoughts tomorrow..I hope.
I always think of things too late in the day. Thus, it is still Thursday to me, regardless of what the calendar may say. Today has been such a busy and stressful day. I have projects for computer class due tomorrow. I went to my exit loan interview this morning. It’s basically this thing where anyone who has ever taken out a loan at this college has to go and learn how in debt they really are. Basically, you just get a lot of information and fill out paper work. Why do I all of a sudden feel like people are watching me a lot closer?
Yesterday, I got my graduation announcements in the mail (100 count). It says: This is to announce Jeffery Glen Watkins will be graduating from the Baptist College of Florida. With a BA in Christian Counseling, May 16, 2003 stuff like that.
Last night I started filling out some of them. I got out my senior yearbook to see if I was spelling some names right (I’m going to send them to parents of friends I went to high school with too, hehe). When I started looking through it, I was reading some of the things people had to say about me and I thought it would be an interesting post to let everyone read how people perceived me and what people thought of me in high school:
Kendall Brown- “We have dated a few times, and those times will always be special to me, just like “Fallen” [our song]! But we have done so much other stuff too. Like, youth camp, Encore, church, just hanging out, and talking on the phone. I love to talk on the phone with you. (I like it in person, too). But we can talk on the phone for hours and hide the phone when our parents come in... Jeff, I know that one day, you will be the leader that I believe you can be.”
Nick Long- “Well buddy, it’s been a long road. We’ve been friends since all the way back in junior high. The good old days, playing basketball with Joe Foster! One of the highlights, though, of hanging out with you through the years would have to be buying the “I love Melbourne” shirt at Wal-Mart. Even though I’ve been busy with soccer, and you’ve been busy with chorus, we have remained good buds... Thanks for being such a great friend throughout the years, as well as the future!”
Elaine Martin- “No matter what you say, or anyone else for that matter, you are very talented in many ways. God has certainly smiled upon us all because he let our paths cross in our lives. So many wonderful things await you in your future. And I’m sure you will touch many more lives in the future in the same way you’ve touched our hearts.”
Alicia Miller- “I seriously miss hanging out with you... I’m glad we stayed friends all this time, even though you did dump my best friend (Tonya) after, what, two days!”
Danny Ahern- “Hey baby. Man, I guess it’s over. It’s so weird, you were my “dad” when I was in 7th grade [I was in 9th], and now you’re leaving your fatherly role again [I was graduating, he was in 10th].”
Nikki Special- “We have so many memories you and I, it seems like the past 3 years have been a lifetime. And the past 6 years, an eternity. I love you, a lot. You are such a talented, sweet and caring person... I want to thank you for being so accepting of me, and also so supportive. You don’t know how much it means.”
Nate Beagle- “You’ll always be my dawg and you’ll be the only minister I’ll go to see. I love you Jeff and don’t take that the wrong way.”
Angela Vislay- “We are graduating! We’ve come a long way since strip craps in Mr. Horde’s class. We are adults now—but that doesn’t mean that we act like it.”
Thomas Pedicini- “Watch out ladies, here they come, the Hawaiian 5-0 pimps [commenting on a picture Tom, Nick, Brian & I had taken of us; we had Hawaiian shirts on]. Anyways, it has been a great year, even though we have been distant lately. The boys will always be boys.”
Tara Howard- “I really will miss seeing your face everyday. You are a beautiful person and I’ll always love you” [we dated my senior year, now she’s married].
Robin Tallon- “We sure have had some fun times, in ya know, physics and all. I appreciate all that you’ve done for me. I know I can count on you for anything I need. I mean, you did volunteer at the Teen Zone and all with me! Jeff- you are such an awesome guy. Your friendship will never be forgotten.”
Sheila Marti- “...I had such a great time. That day and who but God himself would have known what a friendship would grow from that day. I made a great friend and the best escort to my locker for the rest of our sophomore year.”
Bryan Fazio- “We had some good times together. We have to add some more even after high school is over. You have been a good friend now for some years and I really had fun hanging out. Man, it’s been since junior high. Keep being a pimp and keep all your women happy, but if you have one too many, send um’ my way.”
Christina Burleson- “Jeffy, you rock! I have had so much fun with you in Encore and Concert Choir this year! I’m so lucky that I got to meet you and become friends with you! You are a beautiful person and an excellent singer... You will go far in life with your glowing personality. You are a true friend and I will never forget you as long as I live!”
It’s endearing to be loved, but it’s also nice to be unnoticed sometimes as well...
Today started off early, but fairly decent. I enjoyed most of the morning, until I took a drive to the local branch of my financial institute, Regions Bank. Let me just tell, I could start listing synonyms for the word "ex*as*per*ate" (note: this is not an exhaustive list):
Because when I got there, I was informed that I am now -$100’something dollars (in the hole, if you will). I wanted to write more, but I’m so discouraged right now, it’s overwhelming my valor...
"I'm looking through you, where did you go? I thought I knew you, what did I know? You don't look different, but you have changed. I'm looking through you. You're not the same." I'm Looking Through You by The Beatles from the album Rubber Soul.
Even though it’s about 8:00 A.M., I’ve been up since 6:00 A.M. and I am tired. I’m fixing to have a test in IT 301. The test is on Microsoft Access. It’s going to be tough, but hopefully I’ll do alright. More on life later, possibly...
I have come to the conclusion that most people do not follow their dreams. I think most people end up settling for something less. I consider myself to have some ambition and passions in my life, and I would hope that my friends would agree. My friends know I have a desire to be a filmmaker, and my love for playing guitar. Now to be honest, I have not truly pursued either of these endeavors, but I plan to. It's very hard to be jobless and live in a small town with nothing but your dreams to keep you company.
My dreams are very important to me. They are things that I have thought about for years, and I truly believe that God has given me these desires. I am not satisfied with just having a nice job and a nice paycheck, I would rather be a starving artist or poet. I am already starving, so I may as well be a poet as well. I wish I could just know excatly what God has in mind for me, instead of just wondering what will happen next.
I see alot of people in jobs that they hate. I am not just talking about the average college student, I am talking about all kinds of people as well. I talked to a lady once who was working at Long John Silvers, and she had worked there for 17 years! This woman was in her 40s I would think, and I wonder if she liked her job. I honestly think she enjoys her job, and after that much time I guess you could get used to the idea. Although I do not think when she was 13 years old her goal was to work in fast food for the rest of her life. I am not bashing people who work fast food, just wondering why people choose to ignore their dreams. I think people just reach a point where they think life has nothing else to offer them. so they take the first thing that presents itself.
I suppose people just want the ideal 9 to 5 job, and make enough money to support a family. Who cares if the job is something they enjoy or not? All that matters is the money. I realize this post is not the most coherent thing I have ever written, but its just something I was thinking about today. Maybe I will write someting of more substance later.
Oh so here is a cool little tibit. I was talking to Michaela online yesterday ( she rocks) and we were talking about relationships. I was talking about the kind of girl I wanted, and I has a profound thought. I said, "I want a girl who will love me with her actions and not just her words". I thought that was a really good line, so stay tuned for the poem.
I often struggle with the idea of realism. I don't necessarily have a hard time living in the real world. Nor do I have a difficult time knowing and discerning between what is real and what is fake. It's not like I'm living in a fantasy world either. It’s more like I'm trying to live in an ideal world—a typical world if you will. What I'm specifically saying is that I live like I'm going to get married, but the whole idea itself seems a little far fetched to my current situation and pragmatic reality.
Please understand me, I want to get married. I'm pretty much a hopeless romantic. But, there are days where I just feel hopeless and on those days, there is no romantic romanticism involved. Maybe for me, the idea of singleness is an inevitable truth and I've just been lying to myself for so long, that it doesn't seem possible. I've said it before, if God has called someone to be single, then that is something He will show him or her in His own time and it will be perfect. It's probably more satisfying, who knows? But, I believe in free will enough to say that I'm dumb enough to miss a good girl because of my own stupid ideologies.
Tonight, I was chatting with Jessica Brummet on AIM and we were discussing the random occurrences of life and our thoughts on them. She inquired about what I was currently thinking. I mentioned some of the random, yet constant mind plaguers of 20’s life: love, marriage, future, growing up, hope, etc. She really encouraged me. She reminded me of things I already thought. Not trying to boast, but I know I shouldn’t just accept something. She was reiterating to me that I should never settle.
In that conversation, I had some sort of euphony. Now, I've been known to have one of these things time and again, but this one seems memorable. I commented to Jess that I always look for girls who are on my level with things. Where we share the same opinions on music, film, fashion, theology, etc. Then she asked me what I wanted in a girl on the level of my ministry. I started telling her how I wanted a girl who wants to work with youth—a girl who has a passion for kids. Someone to talk to the girls in my youth group and someone who can translate what those girls are saying. I don't understand girls now and I'm sure 16 year olds won't get any easier to understand as I get older. I don't want a wife that will make brownies and take out the trash. I just want one that understands me and wants to convey the love of Christ to youth like I do. Then it hit me. Maybe I should be looking for a girl who is youth ministry orientated like I am and forget the girl who likes punk rock and That Thing You Do. Maybe I can include both of those things in my tenets for a wife.
So, who knows anything? Not me. All I know is, loneliness is bittersweet. When you're alone, you get to think by yourself. When you're lonely, all you know is thinking by yourself…
The weekend is here and I find myself anxiously awaiting the next one. [Graduation check: 42 days]. A lot has been happening today. This is probably one of the busier weekends I've had to deal with in a while. Last night, I got to watch a little Friends with my friend Bethany Dunlap. Then I went to Justin's house because our friend, Jeremy Cook is in town for the weekend. We got to hang out with almost all the boys again. It was a good time.
Then today I woke up and had to run around to get some letters off in the mail. I went and worked out with Toby Roheim. I'm sore, but it’s starting to get better. We just do upper body on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. We work out the legs on the off days individually. After that, we decided to be gluttons for punishment and played a quick, hour-long game of 21 (basketball). I beat him 21 to 18 or something like that. Today was the annual school picnic around here at BCF. I feel like all I ate put everything I did in the gym to shame. Good food though. Well, I still need to find someone to go with me because I need to run to Chipley. I hope everyone has a pleasant night...
2 Pac and Jeff Watkins
Two of America's Most Wanted
I spent most of the day yesterday playing the guitar. The idea of being in a band has always been in the back of my mind, but I am not sure about it. I have alot of experince in playing music as a praise and worship leader, and I know music is a God given talent that i have. I am strongly considering being in a band with a friend of mine, but it is the object of alot of prayer right now.
I still havent gotten a job yet, and it seems like nothing is working out in Graceville right now. I am not sure if that means God is trying to move me out of here, or if I am just missing something. It really gets frustrating sometimes, when you dont truly know what you are doing with your life. It gets you down, and makes you fearful. I know God is still sovereign and that He has a plan for my life. Maybe is making movies, maybe is playing music. Maybe its both.
My mom really encouraged me last night when I talked to her. She gave me one of those " you can do anything " speeches, which sounds cheesy I know, but it really helped me out. She even made me feel better about my "no girl" situation, so she is a really awesome mother. So now I have alot of things to think about, as always. So please keep me in prayer.
I like my roommate a lot! He’s a great guy. We've lived together for almost two years. He knows a lot about 60s, 70s, and Christian music. He has single handedly inspired the resurgence of the Beatles and Pink Floyd in my life.
However, sometimes his music opinion can grow rather tiresome. And, I feel as if he really just talks to hear himself talk. Perhaps, he doesn’t know everything.
Tonight was one of those nights.
I was talking about who could play our fellow writer Chaz in a movie:
I said, “Willie Nelson.
He said, “Who is that?”
I responded with, “What!?!?”
He inquired, “Oh, is he the guy who played in the movie Shang-High Noon?”
I corrected, “No, that’s Owen Wilson.”
Jeff, “You really don’t know anything about music do you?”
“I often think about you. The one being so scared that I’ve only told a few."