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to whom it may concern


About Me

Jeff Watkins
Age: Still alive
Occupation: Too many things
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Previous Posts

My first trip to Austin, Texas!Went to the biggest...
A Piece of Me Has Died
The fucking USPS
Today's Haul

DCFC - The Barsuk Years
Ornette Coleman - "Tomorrow Is The Question!"
Hanging out, pushing buttons
My jazz collection

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His beautiful eyes...
Melissa's Journal
Mosaic Life
Morse Coded Signals
Of Folly and of Vice
Words Are Not Enough

Soundtrack of my Life

The Appleseed Cast
David Bazan
The Beatles
Johnny Cash
Alice Cooper
Miles Davis
Death Cab For Cutie
Bob Dylan
Ben Kweller
Professor Longhair
Pink Floyd
Stretch Arm Strong
The Who
Brian Wilson

Pop Culture interests

All Music Guide
Dr. Mohler's Radio Program
Hollywood Jesus
Monsters in the Morning
View Askew
XXX Church

Reading the Classics

Christian Classics Ethereal Library
Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy


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© To Whom It May Concern 2002-2010, except for cited or source material.


Sunday, February 29, 2004

Yeah, Yeah, I'm Predictable

Shirts and Gloves By Dashboard Confessional

When I'm back from the road then you're out on it
And I'm tired of this distance
And I believe it's over,
It's over-rated
And this phone tag game is endless
The novelty is wearing
I'm hoping time will pass without any assistance or convincing

Road rules apply
There's so much action,
You're getting busy
So I'll call your cellular phone
To tell you TV night was lonely without you
And so am I... so am I
It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year

So many high points on this last leg
I can't wait to recount them
It seems like nothing's happened til I've shared them with you
The note that you had called says you're half a day away
And you are heading home just in time for me
For me to leave

And road rules apply
There's so much action,
I'm getting busy
So make sure that I'm up to date on TV night,
I hate to miss out
I think I miss you most on Wednesdays and Saturdays
It seems our day keeps falling on a leap year

posted by Jeff Watkins at 1:26 PM

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Saturday, February 28, 2004

What You Say? I Ain't Hated Ya...

I got the idea from Rachel . Turn the MP3 player on your computer on and let it play randomly. Tell me what songs played. That girl only did ten, but of course I can't do anything without overshooting. Just say, my top 40. I thought mine would be funnier (I omitted anything that wasn't a real song or if I didn't know what it was or if it was too embarrassing).

1. "Never Leave A Job Half Done" -Pedro The Lion
2. "Stolen From The Start" -For Felix
3. "If I Fell" -The Beatles
4. "Take On Me" (A-Ha Cover) -Reel Big Fish
5. "Holding Out" -In Due Time
6. "Waiting For Your Love" -Justin McRoberts
7. "Happy Guy" -NOFX
8. "Constancy" -Slick Shoes
9. "Stand Up" -Petra
10. "CREAM" -Wu Tang Clan
11. "Render Quench Create" -Spitfire
12. "Rebel Yell" (Billy Idol Cover) -ALL
13. "Losing Touch" -Joy Electric
14. "Jamie" (Weezer Cover) -Dashboard Confessional
15. "We Had A Deal" -OneLineDrawing
16. "In My Life" -The Beatles
17. "Bump On My Head" (Demo) -Ted Bond
18. "Back To Back" -PID
19. "The Crash" -Rhema
20. "Wake Up Early" -Starflyer 59
21. "Discretion" -Pedro The Lion
22. "Ode To Be An Anchor" -Recess Theory
23. "Scarlet" -Sick of Change
24. "Breaking News" -Embodyment
25. "Trogdor" -Times Of Silence
26. "Nice and Slow" -Usher
27. "I Can't Wait" -One 21
28. "It Must Be Wonderful" -Outercircle
29. "Too Late" -Carol King
30. "New Year's Project" -Further Seems Forever
31. "My Frustration" -The Apprentice
32. "Greenback Dollar" -The Kingston Trio
33. "You're Having The Time of My Life" -Jets To Brazil
34. "Jerry" -Mustard Plug
35. "Kill The Poor" -Dead Kennedys
36. "Hey Ya" -Outkast
37. "Kissing" -My Spacecoaster
38. "On Holiday" -Kicking Howard
39. "Teenagers From Mars" -The Network
40. "Young and Aspiring" (Demo) -Underoath

posted by Jeff Watkins at 2:48 AM

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Friday, February 27, 2004

Or the locusts will eat you...
Go here , Read this. Discuss.

posted by Chase at 4:04 PM

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Thursday, February 26, 2004

Sam Hall

If you have any chance of catching the reference to the title, I suggest checking out the song of said name (preferably Johnny Cash's take on it).

I'm sure my life can be summed up into many cliche slogans. However, I would prefer that my writing be equated with the adage, "Struggle and trials inspire the strongest art." As with that said, I am currently at the most prolific point in my life. I say I've been writing poetry since around 95 or 96. My first poem was entitled Love. My latest, Precautions. Two totally different instances, words, and reflections, yet they all stem from the same pen (that's not literal). It's just funny to me how I write and that can feel better afterward. Nowhere in this am I going to claim that I am good. I just feel blessed that I can express myself in a cryptic, yet revealing manner. I balance cowardness and nobility; however odd the comparison.

Lately, though, I have been dismayed with my writing. The reason being, I am writing more and more on experience and less and less on desire to just write. Let me explain. A lot has happened in the past month. Not much I can expound on within this confined and very not-so-personal journal. But, trust me, a lot has gone on. More than just working. Well, instead of sitting down and just typing or writing a poem, I think about something that happened and I express my feelings in rhyme, meter, or blank verse. Not all the time, but a lot, a poem is simply me telling someone how I felt, without actually having to use a voice. This could seem petty, but really, these incidents in which my writing has seen so much action have really been nothing more than inconsequential and superficial occurrences. Although, one as of late, has stirred emotions within me that, for lack of more poetic words, just pisses me the hell off.

What would cause me to use such harsh and ineloquent sentence structure? Nothing really big, just the common mumblings of people who call themselves my friends. In even more vague terminology, I'm just tired of certain people holding me up to certain expectations. Now, I know what you are going to say. Well, people think a lot of you. O ye of unexpected hype. Nay. Such things are nor right, honorable or true. These people, let's call them, friends, have actually said lower things. And the irony in all of this is, the numbing, ill-experienced phrasing they used to describe actions I might have done, weren't even true. You see, they said or expected me to fall, stumble, or give in and I did neither of the options they laid out for me. I surprised them. They said I would sin and I didn't. Quite disappointing for me because these are the people I share my heart and life with. But, I mean, they didn't ask for the position, so why should I burden them? I will not...

posted by Jeff Watkins at 3:36 AM

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Tuesday, February 24, 2004

I'm Not Catholic, But Ash Wednesday Is Otay!

In thinking about the release of The Passion of Christ tomorrow, I started to speculate why it would have so much controversy. The film The Last Temptation of Christ drew a lot of criticism, but mostly from the conservative side. I don't remember The Left saying much, but what do I know, I was 10. It was a big budget project too, but not in the same light as Mel Gibson's newest. It's stated that Mel spent 25 million of his own funds to make it. The Passion tries to take an accurate look at the life of Christ citing historical books in the Catholic field and as well as the canonized Gospel narratives. It has also been said that everyone who worked on this film has had some sort of life changing experience. I do not think you could say that about Martin Scorsese’s Last Temptation. I don't have any quotes from the boom guy, but I've heard a lot of people have come to know God through this. That's incredibly powerful. Yet, in this same line of thoughts, I wondered why it would have so much negative feedback. I had never even heard the anti- Semitism argument before about The New Testament. That could just be because I'm not well read. But, still, why that argument instead of its authenticity, accuracy, or even that it would be a good story to tell. Then it hit me, Satan. The Enemy doesn't want you to see this picture. This movie tells the story of why sinners were ransomed from the fire. Why imperfect man was separated from a Holy God and needed a mediator. This movie seems to be anointed because even the most staunchly atheist would have to marvel at the production and direction of the film itself. Satan had to use something like anti-Semitism to persuade people not want to see it. To me, it feels like God called Gibson to make this picture, which he himself has been quoted saying. I hope that it's graphic nature of a more accurate depiction of what our Savior actually went through gets into the minds of people. It's powerful stuff to think about what God did for us by sending Jesus. Breathtaking and certainly wonderful. How great Thou art!

posted by Jeff Watkins at 1:08 PM

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Monday, February 23, 2004

Hold my Liquor

Since you aren't interested in politics I'll talk about myself again.

A lot of times I wake up thirsty. I woke up thirsty today. I very rarely have anything to drink in my house. In those instances I scrounge up my savings and walk out and buy a soda from the machine in the laundry room. I could buy soda for my house, but I forget. That's a lot to remember. I have no trouble remembering it when I'm thirsty. One day about a week ago I woke with this terrible thirst that just had to be quenched. It was about 6am. I stumbled to the refrigerator and grabbed a can of orange juice which I jimmied open with a butter knife. I took a swig of it and man it was delightful. It was sensational, I'm telling you. That is until the taste really hit my throat. As I forcefully spit it out I realized it was no longer orange juice. It was another color altogether. It looked like the kind of thing I cough up when my asthma is really bad. Yeah, I was sick all day. Needless to say.

I suppose I deserve a mouthful of sour orange juice. To be honest, I've had a hard time until recently with profanity. It's true I have outdown both sailors and grandmothers in my time. In light of the new year I thought I, personally, should watch my mouth. You could say I swore off the swear words. My cuss count for January was 165. I was doing a lot better that is until a couple of family crisis happened. That is still quite a bit better than other months. There's no telling how bad it used to be. So far this months my count is 17. I even set my own record and went five days without a word, well not any of those words.

Well, I have to be going now. I'm off to the hospital cause that's where I like to hang out.

posted by Chase at 7:12 PM

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Sunday, February 22, 2004

Well, well, Mr. Universe

What did I tell you? That's right, I said Arnold was going to try and work his way around the law which says naturalized citizens cannot run for president. Maybe he has a case and maybe this will end with the establishment of the one world government. Universalist Pigeons.

In any case, some of the things he said this morning on Meet the Press make me wonder if perhaps he could make a good leader for our country. Read the transcript. Note I said some of the things. One of those things is his stand against gay marriage. Referring to the state of things in San Francisco, he said that gay marriage is against state law. He said that any grievance against that it is to be taken up with the state court.

Maybe he did the 'roids. Maybe he made some bad movies. But maybe he knows his stuff better than we might want to give him credit. I really don't know, and I'm not that concerned or excited. But if it were to happen I see that maybe it could be a positive thing. Just keep him out of hollywood and we'll all suffer less.

posted by Chase at 3:27 PM

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Coy Decoy

Mix tapes replayed
Songs that revealed what we felt
Reliving history; being forced to endure
Just another example of living in torture

You walked out on me
It was a conscious decision
A choice to live with
This battling wills crap is just a myth

I expected something other than just a closed door
No words, no excuses
At first I was kind of glad to see the other side
Until I realized that I could no longer hide

How did I live this long
To only serve myself
I'm sure you were too tired to explain
Now I know what it was like to live in pain

In life, you see things as they happen
But that's only your perception
To really notice what's taking place
You have to be willing to run at someone else's pace

posted by Jeff Watkins at 1:29 PM

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Friday, February 20, 2004

I'm One Step Closer To The Edge And I'm About To Break

Hey, remember me? I'm the guy who used to blog the most. Well, we have a new contender. I'm glad Chase is sharing his thoughts more frequently here lately. I haven't had a whole bunch to say. But, I now have a story to tell. I mean, I'm sure you are just perplexed at what could be so awful to cause me to quote a Linkin Park song. I will tell you since you asked so nicely.

Last night at work, I was the closest I've ever been to just wanting to punch one of these little kids. I know that sounds horrible, but it is true. However, due to me having the wonderful ability I posses to keep my composure and the memory of my mounting debt, I kept it all together. Let me set the scene up. The most annoying boy who doesn't ever want to bathe is on our unit. Every night, same old thing. Most nights, if we let him sit in the tub for a while, he's fine. If he's not disturbing the rest of the unit, we won't bother him because perhaps he'll do right. He knows how to take a bath, I've seen him do it. But, here recently, he just wants to be loud and scream and not take his bath. He is, what we call, hygineially challenged. Anyway, last night, he was being loud and disruptive to the unit. He took his wet wash cloth and repeatedly hit it on the side of the bathtub. This was making a really loud noise and some of the children were asleep. When I went in there to correct his behavior, he ignored me and kept on banging away. When I explained the consequences for being disruptive to the unit, he went on his way of being horribly loud. In my attempt to silence his ill-timed loudness, I grabbed his wash rag because he wasn't being appropriate with it. Well, I grabbed one end and he has the other, but due to it's wetness, it slipped out of my hand seeing as how he had a good grip on it to begin with. He laughed. But, before I realized it, he muttered something, reached back, and threw it in my face, hard! I stood shocked and silenced. I just had to walk out of the bathroom. First of all, it was insulting. Second of all, wherever he had been sticking that rag was now exposed to my face. I wasn't so worried about the latter, seeing his inability to properly clean himself. He was worried thought, which is great leverage over a child who will ask to have a reward immediately after he misbehaves (I know, sounds horrible). A coworker of mine stepped into the bathroom after she saw what happened. The child wasn't sure of my reaction. He apologized and I talked to him about it later on. But, for a few seconds, I wanted to be immature and throw it back in his face. But, then again, I need my job! Yay, I think I'm gaining patience. This is why you never pray for patience because God will help you out...

posted by Jeff Watkins at 12:04 AM

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Thursday, February 19, 2004

Tom Thompson and The ATF

Sitting in the computer lab this afternoon I opted to put the headphones on so's to keep the hair out of my face. There's no music playing or anything but still I wonder if perhaps I am typing louder. I never seem to know what's going on when these things are on my head. It's better this way than for soundbite explosions on random webpages where they don't belong. I'm just glad certain of those unsolicited emails don't announce their subject heading as I check my inbox.

Can you imagine that?

Sometimes I anticipate the moment later in the day when I will be able to sit down and blog. I liken my excitement to the way that a prisoner anticipates getting to go out into the hot sun of the prison yard. Yeah, it's funny the things I look forward to. As I sit here now my mind is going in a thousand different directions. Like last night I had a message from a guy said he was with the ATF. It scared me that's for sure. I didn't get a wink of sleep. Of course, I've never owned anything of any higher power than a pellet gun.

I had a cousin who accidentally shot himself in the toe with a bb gun. He almost lost his toe. I had this friend once in high school who was always so bug-eyed about the end of the world and the threat of invasion. He was always trying to sell me on buying a high powered rifle. I don't have anything against guns, weapons of mass destruction and whatnot but I just didn't want to endanger myself. I would be a danger to myself. One time he said, "What if someday an extremist group breaks into your house and threatens to kill off all your family. I looked him smugly in the eye and said, "That won't be a problem. I know karate."

He left me alone after that. I think we all know why.

I'm deadly. You don't wanna mess with me.

posted by Chase at 2:41 PM

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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Can't Teach an Old Shrew New Manners

I had an orthodontist appointment this morning. It was scheduled for 10:30 with the note that I couldn't be there until 11:00. They need me in there every two weeks so that they can inflict the appropriate amount of pain. It is difficult though to find an appointment time that agrees with my schedule and the patients they already have booked. I got there and waited patiently as I have grown used to doing. I waited for about half an hour. During this time a certain dental hygenist whom I find annoying made comment about my tardiness to the girl about to begin work on my mouth. She has a certain tone that she takes and she says, "...40 minutes late. We need a late policy." As far as I cared she could have been talking about anyone, but I thought it was probably me. Now for the record I was on time. I arrived just at 11:00 just like had been previously discussed. I walked in and brushed my teeth, as they encourage the patients to do. Then it was about 11:05. It was another five minutes after that before they called me over to the chair to take my place. I wasn't late. Apparently, she just couldn't read the memo. Of course, she was able to take time away from her patients to keep close eye on the clock. A girl gets her first pair of scrub and decides to pick a fight with me. To her credit, I've been late a couple times previously and she has not let it go. She was the one to assist me one of those days and she lectured me on punctuality. I kept my mouth shut, not mentioning the fact that everytime I go, busy or not, I have to wait about the same twenty five minutes. They give the impression that their workplace is so laid back. That is until they get hungry. See, the thing today was that because of my arrangement they had to wait a couple extra minutes before lunch. This is not my fault. She, at least, could simply chase down a stray dog or child until there is time enough for the buffet. I've decided not to let her get to me anymore. Next time I run late I'll look her in the eye and say, "I'm Late and You're Ugly. Can we still be friends?"

posted by Chase at 4:39 PM

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Tuesday, February 17, 2004

My life today, in a hundred words or so.
During class I wrote a couple poems. My pen was acting funny. After class we went and checked our mail. Donna got a Valentine's care package from her family and Cast Away on DVD for filling out a survey. That was exciting. Then we went to Dothan.

We stopped at my sister's house and then to the ICU. My uncle was in a car accident Sunday. They say it'll take a miracle. Me and Donna sat with a lot of my family until we were able to go back and see him. Back there I prayed God would let him live at least so I could hug him one more time. Then we came here to check on my dad.

It's funny I guess. I went tonight feeling like I should be there. I wasn't sure how long I wanted to stay though. After sitting there for awhile I realized I want to be there, so we'll be going there when we aren't in class this week. Sometimes it bothers me that I know something is real and yet I can't feel or experience the emotions of it.

It's a crazy time for my family. I have an uncle in the ICU, a cousin about to go into labor (perhaps tonight), another cousin, that uncle's daughter is set to be married next weekend, and two cousins of mine were arrested this afternoon on Marijuanna and kidnapping charges. Crazy times, crazy times.

Anyway, I need to jet home so I can call Jed. That'll do me good. Sleep tight.

posted by Chase at 9:07 PM

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Monday, February 16, 2004

Last Day of Summer Camp

Every college semester there is one prospective graduate whom everyone believes and bets will not make it. This semester I am that guy. In my five years of college I have seen a couple or three people actually not make it. They were better students than I am. What happened to them was more a casualty than what they deserved. But for me to say I'm going to make it is no different than anyone else boldly proclaiming that they will make all A's. I'm going to do it. I suppose any doubters will have to be convinced with time.

I have it all taken care of. I've applied for graduation, had the registrar administer the graduation check, and been measured for cap and gown. I have it all taken care of, that is except for my current courseload. As I have spoken with various faculty and staff in processing my application each have said, "Your all long as you pass." On one hand I take these as wise words from wise people. I understand they've seen this all a billion times. On the other hand I think to say to them, "O Ye of Little Faith" not to proclaim deity or anything.

If I'm right I'm sure you will all be happy. I'm certain that even those of you casting lots against me don't wish failure upon me. If I'm wrong you surely wouldn't remind me of this. You would only cry with me, not make me eat my words. Oh, and I would cry. Furthermore, I have a light courseload, only eleven hours. What aren't retakes are largely redundant of other classes. While the thought of missing this mark reduces me to a man in the fetal position I have no worries.

Whereas most semesters I have struggled with motivation, this time getting out is all the motivation I need. I can see the goal and I run toward the prize: completion. Soon I will tear through the finish line. The weeks are rolling along nicely. I've even been getting my work in on time. I can't remember the last time I did that. Perhaps I should rehearse saying, "No thank you professor I won't be needing extra time." I'm not taking any chances. I'm aiming to do so well that I can completely rest assured long before finals.

posted by Chase at 7:42 PM

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I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

I woke up on Sunday morning with a sigh, thinking I had to work. As it was not so, I became utterly relieved. This weekend has been a nice break from stress mostly due to being off from work. I love my job, but I bet I'm getting gray hairs already.

Mike Sutton and I drove down to Panama City on Saturday. While in the mall, Mike noted that we should stop by Hot Topic. As most of friends can assuredly testify, I hate that store. I do not have a celibacic attitude toward not purchasing anything from there as I do, for example, The Gap or Abercrombie, but I do try to avoid it as much as possible. Yet, on this day, I agreed to venture in for a spell. During a momentary lapse in reasoning on my part, I actual saw something that I might purchase. I bet you can guess what this is leading to? Yes, I did buy something, but only because I got the best deal since The Louisiana Purchase. It's a gray shirt that has Gary Coleman on the front and reads, "Bling Bling." The best part is, I found it on the 50% off rack. I paid $2.11 for the shirt. At the least, it's worth the spectacle it might cause. But, just so you and I feel better, go on and call me a sell out.

It seems like I've been letting loose with my monies as of late. However, I am paying all my bills on time and slowly making a dent in the proverbial mountain of debt that I have obtained over the past 4 years. A few weeks back, I bought some books off of CBD's website:

Baptism And The Unity of The Church by Root & Saarinen
Early Christian Doctrines by J.N.D. Kelly
Equal Treatment of Religion In A Pluralistic Society by Monsma
Heretics/Orthodoxy (2 volumes in 1) by G.K. Chesterton
Martin Luther's Ninety-Five Theses edited by Stephen J. Nichols
Rekindling The Word: In search of Gospel... by Carsten Thiede
Religious Advocacy And American History by Kuklick & Hart
The Shorter Catechism: with scripture proofs by Thomas Vincent

I actually bought more books than this, but the others are for a different purpose. I've added 20 or so new and used books to my invetory on So, you should check out my stock if you're in need of a book. Chances are, the book you need, is probably not on there. But, all the proceeds go to my debt, bills, or at least my lunch. Moving on!

If you've looked over this site for twenty seconds or more, you will realize that one of the mediums of art we focus on the most here is music. Well, a new tour just announced is making me very excited. Death Cab For Cutie, Pedro The Lion, and Ben Kweller are touring together and they're coming within 4 hours (or more) of us. Who's up for a road trip? Here are the nearest locations:

Tuesday, April 20- Athens, GA - 40 Watt

Wednesday, April 21 - Atlanta, GA - Variety Playhouse

Thursday, April 22 - Birmingham, AL - Workplay Theater

Friday, April 23 - New Orleans, LA - Howlin Wolf

In more recent expenditures, I've preordered a few CDs and thought about joining Columbia House. I can talk about those later when I've actually paid for them. I paid my car insurance for 3 months. It was roughly $350.00. I can't wait for 25, so my insurance will go down. I know I've said a lot, but I don't remember if this is all I wanted to say. Oh well, until we die another day, I'll talk to God who has heard what I prayed...

"Some people say I'm a no-'count. Others say I'm no good. But I'm just a natural-born travelin' man. Doin' what I think I should, oh yeah. Doin' what I think I should. And I don't give a damn about a greenback-a dollar. Spend it fast as I can. For a wailin' song and a good guitar. The only things that I understand." The Kingston Trio, Greenback Dollar, from New Frontier

posted by Jeff Watkins at 3:59 AM

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Saturday, February 14, 2004

So, It's Finally Here

Happy Valentine's Day to all. Somebody eat some chocolate and somebody kiss a girl for me; I seem to be allergic to both...

posted by Jeff Watkins at 2:45 PM

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Friday, February 13, 2004

Back From the Dead

No, I am not actually making a comeback, just wanted to let everyone know that I have made a new blog. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I just wanted to try something new. By the way, I wrecked my car today, and by all stretches of the imagination I should be dead right now. God is good, even when I am not.

posted by Justin at 3:06 PM

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Re: Singleness Is Bliss (Edited and Expanded)

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I find love? Why can't I find that one special person for me? These are questions that people often ask themselves when they think about their losses and failures in love. I myself, though thought to have had many success stories, often indulge my mind into self-reflection on these very same questions. My answer? I should just not think about it anymore. But, I have...

The plague of this couple-ridden week is finally almost over. And yes, I have endured. I sit in my room alone still. Won't this ever end? While I'm I getting ready for work, I contemplate my relationships of old. I don't usually do much soul-searching regarding my past loves because frankly, I think I've been the one who has messed them all up. Of course, there were equal crimes committed by both, her(s) and I, but I still wonder about them. Yes, I have been the one to break up with a girlfriend before or decided a girl and I shouldn't seek a relationship anymore, but besides that, I know they weren't my entire fault. Right? Of course not! It is close to impossible and highly improbable for one person to simply be the reasoning for any failures that his or her love life has ever suffered. Yet, these are the same thoughts that have kept me up so many nights before. But, really, why do we go around and spend time dwelling on who was right or wrong? Most of the time, all we're really doing is seeking to find only one answer to a certain question. What the heck happened? That's the key question to anyone who has ever had an unsuccessful relationship. I'll expound on mine later if need be, but the source to all my bent up hostilities and bitterness goes far back, beyond anything you could imagine.

You see, the story about my relationships goes all the way back to the nice mature age of three. I was in preschool at Harbor City Baptist Church in my hometown of Melbourne, Florida. It was there that I had my first physical experience with the female gender. Her name was uh...well...ugh... I don't remember her name. Can you blame me? It was twenty years ago. Anyway, I remember trying to convince this young lady (and I do mean young) to kiss me in the bathroom. If you remember the old church buildings that had the bathrooms that you could open from both sides because each end had a door. Well, it was my clever and sly scheme to have her go in one side of the bathroom and I would go into the other classroom and go in through that door. Then, we would meet in the middle and enjoy a few seconds of kissing pleasure (I swear this was going through my mind). Ok, maybe not all of the detail, but I really did try to make this happen. Yes, even children are depraved. As time and age would allow it, the girl didn't want to have any part of it. She just wanted to be friends. This was the foundation of my life and the beginning to my journey through this crazy thing called love and as it would be, numerous failed relationships.

Now, I cannot even begin to start and explain all of my relationships past and present. But, I can begin by telling you what I've learned about the opposite sex. While all of that was mere humor into the perspective of my love life, I seriously can simplify my thoughts back to the days of my post-terrible-two's. I didn't get that girl then and I my date book isn't necessarily any fuller these days. What it comes down to is this: I didn't understand that girl then and certainly don't understand women now. For example: some girls at my school last year wore black on Valentine’s Day. While I found it somewhat funny, other parts annoyed me [some girls] in particular. I know what you’re thinking and yes I was wearing black too. But, why should I have to change my color-coordinating preferences because some girls want to humorously protest the "love-day?" If you are single, that doesn't indicate anything. It just means you are not currently in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. It certainty doesn't constitute you being considered a dork, unsuccessful, nerdy, or some other witty junior high euphemism. You make a day like Valentine's Day mean what you want it to. If you want to act like you are a failure because you don't have a significant other, then so be it. But, you are just as successful of a person with or without a relationship. It's just plain nonsense to see it any other way. I thought we found our confidence in Christ? Not in feeling all lovey-dovey one day a year. That's why I had a problem with those girls at my school. Anyway, as it would be, I still don't understand the ladies.

Like I said previously, I've felt insecure in my past relationships. Like I've caused them to fail. Inevitably, it was just one of the unexplainable occurrences of life. Whether it wasn't God's will, I messed up, she messed up, it was by chance, our free agency, predestination, who knows? All I do know is that it ended and caused me to do one of four things:

1. Get sad.
2. Get mad.
3. Cry.
4. Write a poem.

All in all, I'd say the average results weren't too bad. Those relationships still ended and I can't explain that. I'm sure it's like that for everyone, but at this point in my life, I'd like some explanations. Maybe all I'm looking for is closure? Maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse to rethink and rehash old flames that were extinguished long ago?

Nevertheless, I voyage on to find the 'one for me' or whatever ideals about love I have been brainwashed into believing. You know, I don't know if there is one special person for me or if there are several gals out there who would be a perfect match. I don't know anything. The older I get and the more educated I get, the more I realize that there is so much more to learn and I don't really know that much. Thus, I feel dumber. I think that is another key to growing up. And for a Christian, realizing that you cannot do anything outside of yourself and you must rely and be totally dependent upon God for everything. Whether your job, your love, or you finances. That's the focal point of Christianity and at the least, adulthood. The thing I now have to come to grips with in my life is realizing how inconsequential all those other things are. Passed relationships, failed or successful are still, in the past. We should remember history, but never let it sit as the center of our attention for too long, that you might dwell on it and become disenchanted with reality. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Regrets don't do any good because you cannot change the things that have already been done. Learn, live, and just it let go.

I know this is a really long post and you're waiting for the conclusion or the point; something significant to take with you. Sorry folks, there are no earth-shattering revelations in this one. It stands a mystery to me, as do some other aspects of life. All I know is, until I seek the Lord fully and until I am only relying on him to fulfill me wholly, I won't be able to understand life or grasp the mystery that is the opposite sex, known simply to us all as women.

"Whether truth is stronger than either wine, the king, or woman." - Thomas Aquinas. From his work Commentary on the Ethics of Aristotle.

posted by Jeff Watkins at 1:36 PM

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Thursday, February 12, 2004

I'm Confident That You Too Will Leave

So, the site has been blogged pretty frequently as of late. This is a good thing. Work has been going good. Tonight was rough. I helped put a kid in a therapeutic hold, so that was fun. The annoyances in my life right now all occurred with coworkers. I had an incident with one Monday night. Tonight, her friend and I talked about it, I got annoyed with her about it. I work with the 1st incident lady on Thursday, so hopefully I'll get over my little kid moments and have a good night. Plus, I'm really just looking forward to this weekend because I'm off. I have no plans for Valentine's Day as of yet. This is fine for me. I don't think I've ever been dating someone on this holiday, so thus I've always just done something else. If you wanna go out, call me.

There's a 27 or 28 year old lady at my work who is stalking me. She's always asking me to hang out. I am sincerely just nice to her and I guess she interpreted that for something else. The reason I say she is stalking me is because she doesn't walk by our unit without stopping to talk to me. It's frustrating. My coworkers all make jokes. Seriously, I get pissed because I feel bad. I don't know what to do.

In other randomness, I'm going to be revisiting a post I wrote around this time last year called Singleness Is Bliss. It is my magnum opus of serious writing for To Whom, at least I think so. I just figured I would do it for this very commercial upcoming holiday. Until then, think about something other than love...

"'Show me, show me, show me, how you do that trick. The one that makes me scream,' she said. 'The one that makes me laugh,' she said. And she threw her arms around my neck. 'Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you.'" The Cure, Just Like Heaven, from the record Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me.

posted by Jeff Watkins at 3:12 AM

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Wednesday, February 11, 2004

My Big 30
Jed. Dude. Sorry I've missed your calls. Sorry I haven't called you back. I'm writing down your number now so I can ring you up tonight. While your waiting here are the results of my personality test. Accurate?

Sociability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Gregariousness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||| 46%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Enthusiasm |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Trust |||||||||||| 38%
Morality ||||||||||||||| 50%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Cooperation |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 42%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Competence |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Neatness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline ||||||||| 30%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 53%
Anxiety ||||||||||||||| 50%
Volatility ||||||||||||||| 46%
Depression ||||||||| 22%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||| 30%
Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Vulnerability |||||||||||| 38%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Emotionality ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Liberalism |||||| 18%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 60%

posted by Chase at 2:23 PM

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Sometimes I'm A Paradox

I took a personality test. Because of our layout, I couldn't get the graph to fit in here right, so I had to copy/paste. It's pretty interesting.

Sociability- 62%
Gregariousness- 46%
Assertiveness- 54%
Activity Level- 54%
Excitement-Seeking- 46%
Enthusiasm- 58%
Extroversion- 53%
Trust- 38%
Morality- 54%
Altruism- 74%
Cooperation- 42%
Modesty- 66%
Sympathy- 78%
Friendliness- 58%
Competence- 70%
Neatness- 70%
Dutifulness- 78%
Achievement- 54%
Self-Discipline- 38%
Cautiousness- 58%
Anxiety- 46%
Volatility- 54%
Depression- 46%
Self-Consciousness- 54%
Impulsiveness- 50%
Vulnerability- 46%
Emotional Stability- 51%
Imagination- 58%
Artistic Interests- 74%
Emotionality- 74%
Adventurousness- 58%
Intellect- 70%
Liberalism- 18%
Openmindedness- 58%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test

posted by Jeff Watkins at 12:55 AM

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Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Another Lame Post About The Beatles

It's really because I have nothing to say to you.

So, yesterday, February 9, 1964, forty years ago, The Beatles made their first appearance on American national prime time television. A few days prior, it was the first time they visited America (I believe it was the first time any of them had actually been to America as well). By performing on the Ed Sullivan show, they ignited what would become Beatlemania. An estimated 73 million people watched The Tonight Show that night. At 8 PM, America sat down to watch T.V.; seems pretty incredible, especially since it was just four guys from England...

posted by Jeff Watkins at 3:45 AM

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Sunday, February 08, 2004

That Wasn't So Hard, Now Was it?
You know, it's hard to know what to say here. I like to talk to you people. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say cause I don't really have anything to say. Other times the difficulty comes because I have so much to add. I'm really not sure what the trouble at present is. I guess that is odd.

If you are a return visitor then you have come to understand what the site consists of. What you see is what you get. I realize Jeff writes 90% of everything here, but if you've been around a few minutes you've met a couple of the other contributors.

Perhaps you only ever get this far into a post I've written because you assume, naturally, that Jeff authored it. That is usually a safe bet. Safer than hand sanitizer. Perhaps you are leaving now, but let's assume you read my words because you actually want to, doing so under full recognition of what your getting into. Though I cannot explain this phenomenon I like it. And it's not my fault.

It's like I once told the principal of my high school, "I don't know why all the girls like me. They just do. Does that make me a bad guy?" He commenced to give me expert testimony that what I said was not true. I never trusted his research, but this is not the point.

So, if somehow I have managed to keep your attention this long, tell me how to keep on keeping it.

posted by Chase at 7:55 PM

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Looking For A Girl With Blue Eyes, I think

The light from the television keeps me from sleeping
The glow of your memory keeps me from dreaming

There's dissonance in the scene
Let me sing my song
A tune of our despair
I’m waiting to say a prayer
Pausing on a instant pant
Recalling the night we met

Our eyes transfixed
A sight for sore lies
Our paths were now mixed
A wish to wisely want

But, I can't help thinking
"Why can't we talk more?"

Maybe I'm lonely
Maybe I'm scared
Maybe you're the only one who would ever care

…Time passes
Our paths pass once again

I was there to observe

This time, it was your show--your stage
It’s what caused me to start this new page

From a dark room
The crowded floor was ours
Our eyes allied
Nothing could get in the way
We danced without touching
A moment like this is hard with everyone moshing

…It was our day
Our eyes were there again
And our hearts not far behind

A portion of my youth I will never forget
A piece of my life I will never regret

Will you know this is for you?

You may overlook what I couldn't stop looking at

Perhaps I’ll find those eyes again
That'll surely be how it all begins

posted by Jeff Watkins at 12:22 AM

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Saturday, February 07, 2004

Goodwill Is Greeeeaaat! Part 2

The other day, Mike Sutton and myself stopped by one of the few local Goodwill's. I had another successful trip to Goodwill. I picked up the following long players and singles:

Merle Haggard & The Strangers- Hag
Chicago- VI
Waylon Jennings- Self-titled
Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band- Against The Wind
Pat Suzuki- On Broadway (From 1959 in original sleeve)

Tom Jones- It's Not Unusual/To Wait For Love (Is To Waste...)
Michael Jackson- Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough/I Can't Help It
Joe Cocker- You Are So Beautiful/It's A Sin When You Love...
Prince- When Doves Cry/17 Days
Steppenwolf- Born To Be Wild/Magic Carpet Ride

posted by Jeff Watkins at 2:15 AM

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Thursday, February 05, 2004

The Lost Art[ifact] of Courteousness

Three separate instances tonight have caused me to become disillusioned with the idea that considerateness and civility are still appreciated arts. Yeah, more like artifacts.

1. On my break from the most hellish kids on earth, I stopped by a quickie-mart to grab a Mountain Dew. I got my drink, headed out the door, and suddenly noticed an older lady coming. So, being the model gentlemen my Mother would want me to be, I stopped to hold the door for her. She walked in and did not say thank you. I know I'm bickering here, but it really pisses me off when you go out of your way to do something nice and someone isn't appreciative. If that lady had been mildly paying attention, she would have seen the haste in my walk and noticed that I stopped (fast in my tracks) to hold the door for her while I was putting the change in my wallet. She walked by (very slowly) and walked into the convenient store. I guess my ability to be nice was way too convenient for her ability to explore communicative thankfulness. I said, "You're welcome" anyway.

2. While leaving the parking lot, heading back to the dismaying dreaded daycare of doom, I stopped to let a lady out, as I pulled onto the street to stop at the red light. She had just been pumping gas at this same station and I stopped hard to let her go ahead and cross the other 3 lanes of traffic. She pulled out, looked at me, and went on her marry way. I thought, what kind of store is this? Self-minded Mart. I said, "You're welcome" to her too. I chuckled afterward because she didn't seem to notice my gesture of niceness and courtesy either. I don?t do nice things to get a thank you. But jeez, somebody say something!

3. The end of my eight hours was just moments away. I was taking our unit's trashcan, soiled linen bag, and bag of dirty diapers out to the back where it collects dust until the custodial services removes it (hey, it's not my job). I'm the only male on the child unit during 2nd shift, so I always take out the garbage. Tonight, there was a bunch though--more than usual. As I walked by the nurse's station, one the ladies got my attention and asked me to take theirs out. Actually, she said, "Do you wanna get ours too?" Now, I'm one for chivalry and all and I have even offered to take the nurse's trash out before, but couldn't she see the massive amount of waste I was currently dealing with? To top it all of, it was just two bags of empty medicine cups and water cups. Very light stuff. But her need to see my gallantry was in order. Really, the annoying part was that the amount of light garbage was so big, that it made my effort a little harder, seeing as I was already dealing with a heavy trash can, a heavy bag of wet towels, and a bag of stinky diapers. Nope, she didn't mind. She just piled it on. But, at least she had the courtesy to say THANK YOU! One out of three ain't so bad...

posted by Jeff Watkins at 2:26 AM

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Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I'll Disregard The Invitation, For All I Need Is Salvation

Pay no mind to the date...

Tuesday is my day off work. I love days off, so nice are they. I worked an hour over my normal eight tonight. I am so utterly tired, it's not even funny. Besides that, one of my kids decided that he wanted me to feel pain, so he took a chunk out of my arm tonight by biting me. Ouch! He broke the skin a little and it looked a lot worse then than now. It looks fine now actually, just a little bruised, but it's almost certain that I have to get a Tetanus shot soon. Ouch x2! Man... I just got a Hepatitis B shot last week for work. This is my life. In other news, during The Grammy's next Sunday, they are doing an all star tribute to the greatest band ever (The Beatles) during the show. How cool, huh? The next question is, who wants to tape it for me because I'll be at work and I don't have cable, PLEASE!?!?

Pay no mind to fate...

posted by Jeff Watkins at 2:08 AM

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Monday, February 02, 2004

Groundhog Day is my 8th favorite holiday of the year!

No, not really.

Does anyone know what the groundhog results are? Did he see his shadow or not? I'm hoping winter will be gone soon!

posted by Jeff Watkins at 1:42 PM

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