So Long '03

In just a few short hours, another year will be upon us. The folk at this site would like to wish you a happy and healthy new year! If you're going to be out tonight, be careful. If you're going to be stupid tonight, do it around other stupid people. Goodbye 2003!

Something To Write On To Whom About

My Mom has been visiting for the past 4 days. It's been good, but it has also helped me to understand something about myself. I realized today that I have a big mouth. In that, it's hard for me to keep a secret. I have a few close friendships that I keep whatever we say private, but other than that, I tend to run my mouth. I know I tend to blabber and it really bothers me. I've hurt a lot of my relationships in the past because I could not or would not keep my trap shut. Of course there are times when you are so disturbed about something, you just have to vent it to someone else. But, I have to be smarter about who I 'vent' to. I don't want to let my friends who trust me be a victim of circumstance just because I can't keep something to myself. For my New Year's resolution(s), I vow to run my mouth less, listen more, don't talk so much crap, accept when I'm wrong, think before I speak, keep confidence, and always love more. If I don't, you can punch me.

Color The Coast With Your Smile

Despite not writing when I got back to Graceville, my Mom and I made it safely back to my apartment on Friday night. I worked Saturday and Sunday (tomorrow too). I think my Mom is having a good time in the hood of G'ville. I'm definitely enjoying her being her. I've gotten to eat out so much, it's been great. It sucks that I've had to work because I would like to hang out with her more. However, I do need the money. Speaking about work, it's good. I really enjoy my job. Sometimes I feel like the kids I work with just need a good spanking; or maybe an exorcism. However, I know that their problems are more deeply rooted. Sure, they make conscious behavioral decisions, but I've read some of their files and I can tell you, they didn't deserve a lot of what happened to them. So, I try to be patient and recognize that it's still a learning process. Anyway, tomorrow my Mom and I are going to my Aunt and Uncle's place for lunch. Then, when I go to work, she is going to hang out over there until I get off at 11:00 PM. I don't have to work Tuesday or Wednesday, so we're going to hang out and I'm going to cook for her too. Alright, have a good night. Something more meaningful to come soon.

"Like my mamma said, 'Don't you let it go to your head when you know you're being fed.' I'm so proud to know you. Lizzy I'll write, I'll sing, telegraph, telegram, telephone, tellin' you, I'll be home soon." Ben Kweller, Lizzy, from Sha Sha

The Mystical Afterlife Bar
Yeah Christmas was good to me. I plan to blog a list of what I got later on, perhaps this evening. Just for kicks, yo. Anyway, something happened that I just had to tell you. I dreamt a dream that even you would envy. Let me tell you about it:

Jeff and I were sitting at this bar and to our right a band was playing. The mood was that of Christmas and the latter days of December and the year. But I still had classes going on. In fact, this show was in the day time. I didn't recognize them for who they were at first. Apparently though, I liked them enough to skip class and make the trip. I think it was a couple hours drive. I had school and Donna on my mind.

I was worried I was going to get caught skipping. I was thinking about one late assignment in particular and I even saw that particular professor. Thankfully, he didn't see me. I was thinking about Donna as I often do. It was odd that she was not at the show (especially when later I realized who the band was). Plus, in present day reality I miss her a lot because she's in Tennessee. In my dream I was thinking about this and that was my main distraction. The band's set ended and the front man walked over toward us. It was none other than Joey Ramone (God rest his soul).

In my dream world Joey was still very much alive and cool as always. He was as tall as I have imagined him to be. He stood there and began conversation with us, wearing his standard denim jacket and sunglasses. He was more vivid than any rock star or celebrity I had ever dreamed of. Jeff and I had both been watching intently during the show and he noticed. He had come over to tell us he appreciated it and was glad we enjoyed it. He shook Jeff's hand immediately upon walking up. He extended his hand to me, but when I reached out he pulled it back and laughed. That was funny. Punk. I felt guilty that my mind had been elsewhere. I felt like he knew and counted me less cool for it, even if he was forgiving. All in all I felt Joey was close to my heart. He felt like an older brother, even though he's old enough to be my dad.

I wanted to tell him how much I appreciated his music, but the opportunity seemed to have passed. He and Jeff had started talking and I wasn't really in on that. Just sitting there hanging out. Enjoying the comfort of a bar stool. Joey had to go and then Jeff and I got up to leave. Somewhere during all this excitement Jeff disappeared and was replaced with Justin. Justin was talking about how great the show was and how awesome it was to meet and talk to Joey. I was thinking, "you weren't even there" but I didn't say it. I was thinking about school and Donna again. The sun was just started to set. It was dusky outside. Justin and I got into his Geo Storm and left.

That's it. That just might be the coolest dream I've ever had.

The Dreaded Day After

I drive back to Graceville today. My Momma is coming with me to visit with some relatives that live in my area and of course, to visit with her baby boy (me). So, pray for us as we drive.

At The 24th Hour: Merry Christmas

Inspite of where you are, it is officially Christmas day. The staff of To Whom It May Concern would like you to wish you and yours a very happy Christmas!

Santa Claus is Dead.
Yeah kids, I hate to break your little hearts but I shot and killed him in third grade. The fat old man broke into my house. Scared the Christmas cheer out of me. Family comes first. I must defend what's mine, even if it means six years in juvie. Little did I know he was only there to fulfill our brightest material hopes and dreams. Apparently, he was a great guy and I found out a little too late. Sorry elves, sorry I killed your god.

I can't go to the mall during the holidays because I get freaked out by ghost-like reflections of the man that I put into his post-dated crypt.

But enough of the morbid. I've been home with my la familia the past three days. Most of yesterday and the day before consisted of me and my mom shopping. Most of that time consisted of me waiting and waiting and trying to entertain myself. I didn't have much to shop for, but I needed the ride. I've been hanging out with my kid brother, playing Tony Hawk 4 and last night he and I watched The Waterboy.

Last night my dad told me I had gotten hefty and that I needed to go on a diet. And don't forget the exercise. He said he could tell in my face that I was out of shape. Someone verify for me that this isn't so. Also, I am at the most a few pounds overweight. It's mainly just that I've finally grown into my body frame. I cannot help the fact that I'm a big guy. Maybe my pops is just intimidated.

On a lighter but again morbid note, I am killing Eye Level off in 8 days. As of the first of the year it will be no more. In its place will be a new site, a new exploration, a new adventure. Prepare yourself boy scout. At the same time, understand I'm going out with a bang. Eye Level will be more alive this last week than it has been in awhile. It's going to be big, like me. Go read "Dying Words and Sentiments".

And I thought I'd tell you three songs I particularly like today:

the Ocean by Sunny Day Real Estate
We're the Ordinary by Starflyer 59
Thousand Kisses Deep(spoken word) by Leonard Cohen
Have it All by Ace Troubleshooter
Wasted by Camper Van Beethoven

Nevermind that's 5.

Plus you should know my absolute favorite radio Christmas song is:

Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney (is that title correct?)

So yay for Christmas. Good tidings to you wherever you are and wherever you'll be.

The Earliest Hours of This Christmas Eve

A day from now will be Christmas. For now, I am about to embark on the annoyingly long 6-7 hour drive to my Mom and Dad's house in Melbourne, FL. It is now 3:10 AM EST. I'm sort of yawning, but got plenty of music (seasonal and normal) to keep me preoccupied. Plus, if I get tired, I'm not too proud to pull off and sleep at a rest stop. If you read this before noon, please pray that I make it home for the holidays. I hope everyone has a good eve of Christmas!

Thoughts About Girls Like You

Missing you, dear
Barely surviving when you're not here

Constantly saying things
Replacing you slowly

New memories brought by
Learning to wait in haste

Arriving momentarily
Hang around to hold on

You worried about taking care of me
I care about how happy you and I could be

Always waiting to see
Always ready to leave

Inspired to say sappy lines
Movies make my depth seem petty

To misinterpret the message
Ways to linger on

Thinking about how sometimes you flaunted
Considering what your heart would have wanted

The Lighter Side of Life

Tis the season to be... light? Light-hearted that is. After November 31st, America instantly becomes this better place to live. I guess everyone forgets to watch the news due to the hustle and bustle of life because crime, poverty, and injustices are still occurring and maybe are more prominent now, rather than any other time of year. Waiting for winter, Chanukah, Christmas, and even Kwanzaa causes people to forget about all the troubles that are actually going on.

As I get older, Christmas is less exciting for me. You may remember me talking about my twenty-third birthday six months ago. It was the first birthday I had that just meant I was getting older, nothing else. Last Christmas, a year ago, was one of the only times I remember being disappointed with what I got. After these last two holiday downers, I shudder to think what this Christmas, only five days away, will mean to this lonely boy.

It's not that I wasn't appreciative for the items I received or for getting to live another year, it was just that for so long, I had been taught that the holidays were the time of year to celebrate and be happy to be alive. I find myself at odds with my psyche because I am trying to get on the same wavelength that I had been on twenty-two years prior.

Celebration is a rejoicing of the times one is living through and being grateful for those things that happen; good or bad. Why? Because you are still living and gaining a mess of experience to leave someone else. Not realizing that you are blessed to be alive is a bit depressing for me. Even though I don't always practice what I preach, I kind of believe that you should be grateful to be alive everyday, not just a few times a year.

The point to this is, in life, you get what you give. This isn't an absolute because sometimes God blesses me, when I don't deserve it at all. Actually, he blesses me and I don't ever deserve it. So, what should my attitude toward events such as these be? Gratefulness! I can try to make these next five days the best holiday that I've ever had, but I will surely fail. What I need to learn from life is that each new day is that, a new day. I have to live, not for the day, but live by the day. I can't do anything about tomorrow, until it comes. I can always try to prepare myself, but I shouldn't worry about investing my time in anything else other than the moment I am living in.

So, for these upcoming holidays that bring me troublesome feelings, I should just try to be thankful and appreciative that I'm another year older and hopefully wiser. What's funny about this Christmas is, I really don't even care. I'm using some of my Christmas money as gas money and whatever I get, it will be more than what I've had in the past six months. If everyone in the world could just be a little more grateful--I'm not saying it would be a better place, but I do think it would make daily living a lot easier for us all.

"Have yourself a merry, merry Christmas, have yourself a good time. But, remember the kids who got nothing, while your drinking down your wine."Father Christmas, The Kinks, from Misfits.

At The Least, Say Something Funny

It’s late Monday night for me. It’s not later than usual, but working 8 hours a day now is about to wear me out. I guess that’s because I was a bum for so long. As I exhale a sigh of relief, I’m very thankful that I do not have to work tomorrow. Give me a few weeks; I’ll get back into the routine of responsibility. I worked 3 PM-11 PM last night. I got up and made it back there by 9:30 AM for the last part of my orientation. Around 10:15 AM, a man asked me to go watch the little boy on our unit who has Downs Syndrome because the other tech had to go take another patient to a doctor run. I watched him sleep for about an hour. When the other tech that was working first shift got back with the other children from school (they attend school here too) it was there time for group and my time to go back to training. So, training let out by 12:30 PM and I swung by my Aunt’s house for lunch. Made it back to work my shift at 3 PM and I got off around 11:30 PM. It’s getting better, but my six kids are hellions! It’s still a learning process. I’m supposed to be shadowing, but I’m down there getting spit at, cussed at, hit, kicked, and everything else they can do to be defiant! I’m still getting used to it and the kids are getting used to me. I know it’ll get better. It’s getting better all the time...

P.S. Does anyone realize Christmas is 9 days away?

NOT-So-Typical Sunday

Exciting world news: We Caught Saddam! via Foxnews.com

In other, not-so-internationally-binding news, today is my first day on the unit floor with the kids. All last week, I was in orientation, but today and for the next two days, I will be shadowing another employee to learn the system. Pray for me. I work 2nd shift, 3-11.

The Future Is Already A Destiny

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in 6th grade. We folded the paper up and picked people we wanted to marry, cars we wanted to drive, where we wanted to live, et cetera. We were embarking on a journey that only time would prove. We were seeing our future before it ever even took place directly in our lives. We were playing MASH! I know, I know. It was a cheesy set up. But, you can play it online now (no paper cuts this time). Play it here. This is my future:

I will marry Melissa Bearden of North Carolina. I will drive a black Honda Accord. We will live in Hawaii while I'm working as a Mental Health Technician II. While there, we will have 2 kids. Oh yeah, we will be living in a shack. My future seems fun!

I Really Shouldn't Be So Friendly

Last night, I was in Wal-Mart looking for milk. A gentlemen near me, also looking at milk, made a comment about the outrageous price of this specific dairy product. I made a crack about how it might just be cheaper to buy a cow. That guy must have grew up on a farm because he then proceeded to tell me the process of the who, what, when, where, and why of cow milking. I stood there for about 5-10 minutes listening to this guy's exposition. I just said, "neat" and "cool". Must make mental note, don't make conversation with strangers who grew up on farms.

The First Day of The Rest of My Life

Today was my first day at Laurel Oaks Behavioral Health Center (formerly Ramsay Youth Services). It was great! Actually, this first 40 hours (all this week) will be training and orientation. So, that's definitely the easiest stuff. However, my first official 3 days of work will be shadowing other Mental Health Technicians on my unit floor. Then, I will be let loose. I'm apprehensive, but excited, and most certainly ready for a change. I will be on the coed children floor (mostly older children and pre-adolescents). God is so gracious and is looking after me while I get my feet wet. Thank goodness he is faithful because I am severely faithfully-challenged. G'night!

(In A) Sometimes Roundabout Way

Many things seem misplaced
Memories and stories
One by one
They all seem gone
I’ve been waiting for so long to move on
Vanity of my life
All the things that seem
Being more important than life
Trying to catch more wind than I can glean
Last summer flew by
This time I’m just trying to stay alive
Avoiding things that I fear
Being cliché doesn’t seem so insincere
Humility is a great medium
So is sorrow
I talk about heartache
But I know nothing
I’m the one who needs to be emptied
Facing myself
Ready to bleed
Excusing empathy
For a chance to succeed
Acclamations of self
Right to complement
Where I’ve been correct
In words or actions
Erroneous to deny
Where I’ve been wrong this time
I go round and round
Just to let you down
I seem proud
What a chance to look
As frail as my words are
My actions remain also
Down to my last cent
Space that seemed to revere
More of a lesson to mean
A condition I have never seen

Back to Blogging Regularly

In The News:

The Pope's Speedy Sainthood Process @ Christian History

What Chris Carrabba Is Currently Listening To @ MTV

FCC = Necessary, But Does FCC = Power Hungry? @ Tech News

A Humorous Story About A Real Incident @ Dallas Observer

Finally, A Win For The Consumer @ Fox News

A Good Read On Challenging The Alternative Life Style @ BP

Prince Could Be The Next JW At Your Door @ AZ Central

CDs, Labels, & Bands- See If You're Helping The RIAA

"You have to question the originality of your life when it can be captured perfectly in the lyrics of a rock song." From The Book Of Joe by Jonathan Trooper.

[Lack of] The Art of Communication

My family is notorious for speaking before thinking. I too, as my friends with undoubtedly admit, am guilty of it as well. I think humans in general do it constantly. However, my family sure does seem to make a hobby of this not-so-eloquent approach to communicating how they feel about something or someone.

The linage of my life in the ill-communicable Watkins family has a long standing history. I constantly posses traits that help me remember where I come from. If my facial-features and mannerisms aren't enough to give proof of what family I am a descendent of, than my bad habits would also indicate where my heritage lies for sure. Lack of communication is just one of these.

I suppose I could start just by blaming my parents. After all, they were the models for which I learned the good and the bad things. I learned to be sensitive, civil, selfless, polite, respectful, and to care for other people rather than just having concern for myself. Yet, I also learned about things like hypocrisy and making bad decisions--we all did didn’t we? I mean after all, our parents, relatives, and guardians were our whole world for the longest time. But, we cannot hold them guilty for their mistakes because we certainly commit our own faults each day. This touches me and helps me think on what I need to do. Not only as a Christian, but also as a citizen in the free world, I ought to strive to be accountable for my own actions; whether rewards or consequences are imminent.

While at home for Thanksgiving, I have realized more about my family in just a few short days than in recent years of observation. Not only does my family speak before thinking, but they have a hard time conveying just what they feel. It’s not that we can’t say, “I love you” or “what is bothering you?”. We just all seem to want to backbite before confronting each other when we have problems with one another.

This disposition that I was seemingly predisposed to is quite annoying. I can recount the younger days of past and see where this infraction in our daily lives has come into play quite frequently. I look back and think just about myself. I try to remember why I didn’t just tell my Dad I was upset with a decision he made. Instead, I would go cry to my Mom. The same for when my Dad is mad at me for something I’ve done. He now basically does the same thing I would do (without the crying). Why do we do this? I guess it just takes practice and a little heredity.

The avenue I must now pursue is the one of intention, rather than passing the blame. I really need to stand up and admit to my family, friends, and myself when I am the one in error. However, it won’t be easy if I change and see that my family is not on the same path. Maybe I can be more helpful and just ask someone if they are mad at me when they appear to be. This morning, my Dad wasn’t saying much. So, I just asked him if he was mad at me. He said he just had a lot on his mind and he would tell me if he was upset with me. It made me feel better to know how he really felt, instead of just playing the usual game of assumption. Maybe our world would be a better place if we would all just speak our minds a little more about things other than film, music, trends, or politics. Maybe if we would just be honest with each other. Perhaps that would help us learn to love and trust one another.

Somebody Say Something, Anything
Right now, the library is the most depressing place in the world. I'm tired of working toward a future I'm not even sure I want. Something keeps me here. I believe this is the place for me to be at this point in time. That doesn't mean I'm enjoying it. My all encompassing thought these days is the desire to pick up and skip town. The words on these pages spell out defeat, outloud and in defeaning. New frontiers call out to me. I want to go there to my home far away and stab a flag in the ground. This land may be your land, but the land far beyond the horizon is mine. I don't know where, but I'll know it when I get there. But I can't go yet. The people I can relate best to here, in this library, are all dead. If life doesn't soon get started I fear I may die. I've glanced pages ahead and well, I want to get out of the preface and into the actual text.

Waiting to live...

Happy Thanksgiving 2003

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday. If you are at work, school, or home with your family, think about all the things you yourself have to be grateful for. Eat lot's of turkey and my personal favorite, pumpkin pie.

Love

The Staff of To Whom It May Concern

Rockin' It Like It's 1996

Well, I'm home for the rest of this week and a few days next week visiting with my family. I made the seemingly endless drive to Melbourne from Graceville on Sunday. I stopped by Tallahassee to see my Aunt Martie. She took me out to lunch, so that was nice. As I was looking for a gas station around Jacksonville, I stopped by Best Buy to pick up a copy of Let It Be...Naked. I had some Best Buy Bucks from the McDonalds Monopoly game. With the coupons, the CD was like $2.50. I could get used to paying that! Anyway, I continued on to Melbourne and made it home around 9:30 PM.

On Monday, I did some various things for my Mom and Dad. I took my Grandma grocery shopping and then cleaned out the gutters on her outside porch. While up on the roof, I got eaten up by mosquitoes. I must have like 50 little bumps on me. I looked diseased. I hope I don't get malaria. Also, since I've been home, I hooked up the factory tape player back in my car. I'm running the tape converter to my little portable CD player. My CD player died in April and I've been struggling with the lack of music ever since. At least now, music will play over my speakers. It'll be fine until I can get enough money to afford my baby.

Tomorrow, I'm taking my Grandma shopping at Wal-Mart. I'll be pushing her around in a wheel chair. Hopefully, there won't be too many psychos running around pre-turkey time. Before that though, I'm having lunch with my friend Annie. That'll also be a good time. I've been renting the 4th season of The Sopranos Amazingly Amazing! Fuh-get-a-bout-it!

I hope everyone is enjoying these times of felling all holidaian (I just made that up). Be safe. I go sleep for now...

Wishing For Some Other Day

Today it seemed better
It was different, but okay
Not necessarily good
Not quite the same
Just enough tranquility to make it through the day

We once wrote a story
Both of our hands contributing
Inscribing so that we might live
And possibly find love
Neither of these are we now pursuing

Together it was more than a wish
We talked about what truth is
Now that I finally have it
I kind of would like to deny it
So maybe this pain in my stomach will go away

At one time I thought we could be
I held on tightly to that dream
It’s just that the casualties of life
Have been outnumbered by the victories of death
Here I am, still sitting alone, wondering what went wrong

It seems like a lot of my relationships
End up being desecrated
What’s worse is that I blamed myself
For stupid girls who couldn’t decide
They played me until it was the right time

Of course I share equal guiltiness
It’s just that I should have been smarter than this
A heart that used to love anyone
Has now been hardened and avoids talks of bliss
That’s all I have left to explain this emptiness

It's Never Too Cold For Flip Flops

A notable site I would like to bring your attention to:

The Flat Earth Society home page.

Deprogramming the masses since 1547

Who could have guessed that Christopher Columbus was wrong?

Blah Beatles This, Blah Beatles That

I think I'm getting sick. That's not fun. On Tuesday, Let It Be... Naked was released. It's basically what The Beatles wanted Let It Be (1970) to sound like when they started recording it in early 1969. However, due to internal strife, it was mostly worked on by each Beatle individually with producer Phil Spector and that is why it turned out the way it did. It started off as a back-to-basics record. Ended up as a break-up album (they were pretty much through already). The release of this album let's us get into the lives of the fab four. I'm excited, I'm getting a copy this weekend. Anyway, I made a 2 disc 'best of' for Jessica and here was my approach. To show the significance through the growth in song writing and recording, thus attempting to put the tunes in order; not chronologically, but when they were recorded. Starting with early stuff and culminating with Abbey Road (thus the need to list more tracks off of that than any other album):

1. I'll Be On My Way- Live At The B.B.C.
2. Please Please Me- Please Please Me
3. Love Me Do- Please Please Me
4. It Won't Be Long- With The Beatles
5. All My Loving- With The Beatles
6. From Me To You- The Beatles 1
7. She Loves You- The Beatles 1
8. I Want To Hold Your Hand- The Beatles 1
9. This Boy- Past Masters, Vol 1
10. A Hard Day's Night- A Hard Day's Night
11. If I Fell- A Hard Day's
12. And I Love Her- A Hard Day's Night
13. Can't Buy Me Love- A Hard Day's Night
14. I Feel Fine- The Beatles 1
15. No Reply- Beatles For Sale
16. I'm A Loser- Beatles For Sale
17. Eight Days A Week- Beatles For Sale
18. Help!- Help!
19. You've Got To Hide Your Love Away- Help!
20. Ticket To Ride- Help!
21. Yesterday- Help!
22. Day Tripper- The Beatles 1
23. We Can Work It Out- The Beatles 1
24. Drive My Car- Rubber Soul
25. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)- Rubber Soul
26. Nowhere Man- Rubber Soul
27. Michelle- Rubber Soul
28. In My Life- Rubber Soul
29. Paperback Writer- The Beatles 1
30. Eleanor Rigby- Revolver
31. Here, There and Everywhere- Revolver
32. Yellow Submarine- Revolver
33. For No One- Revolver

1. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely...
2. With A Little Help From My Friends- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely...
3. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely...
4. A Day In The Life- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
5. Hello Goodbye- Magical Mystery Tour
6. Strawberry Fields Forever- Magical Mystery Tour
7. All You Need Is Love- Magical Mystery Tour
8. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da- The Beatles [White Album]
9. While My Guitar Gently Weeps- The Beatles [White Album]
10. Hey Jude- The Beatles 1
11. Revolution- Past Masters, Vol 2
12. All Across The Universe- Let It Be
13. Let It Be- Let It Be
14. The Long And Winding Road- Let It Be
15. Come Together- Abbey Road
16. Something- Abbey Road
17. You Never Give Me Your Money- Abbey Road
18. Sun King- Abbey Road
19. Mean Mr. Mustard- Abbey Road
20. Polythene Pam- Abbey Road
21. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window- Abbey Road
22. Golden Slumbers- Abbey Road
23. Carry That Weight- Abbey Road
24. The End- Abbey Road

Kinda Like A Pawn Shop

I was going to do manual temp labor today, but I can't sleep. There is no way I could get up and go do hard labor for 8 hours with no sleep. As you know, I'm in a state of financial burden as we speak. I'm not asking for a handout, but what I am asking for is for you to please buy my crap. Christmas is coming up and I have some items that may be of interest to you or your loved ones. If you like something, have questions, wanna bargain, please email me. I will send via mail, UPS, if you live within a few hours, I'll drive it to you, however. Email me with questions

12 volumes (Gen-Rev) of The Expositor's Bible Commentary edited by Frank E. Gaebelein (the 2nd newest edition). For the most part, the year's all match (the spine and design look the same for 8 or so; 4 are different editions--all yellow dj). Some have a little wear, some are perfect (never been read). Most look new. I bought eight for $10 each, and the other four I paid between $15-$25 for). CBD's has them the cheapest. They have the newest edition (12 Vols) complete for $274.99. If you wanted to buy the edition I have, you would pay $108.94 (1-7 Old Testament) and $119.99 (8-12 New Testament) (Total $289.98). I would like to ask for $150 for all 12, but I'm willing to accept reasonable offers (I'm poor, not stupid).

APC BE350U Back-UP ES series 350VA (200 watts) Surge Protector. I got this for Christmas last year. It's still in the box, shrink wrapped, never been used. I would like to ask between $40-$50 for it.

Look at the books I have for sale on Amazon-->. If you want to buy one cheaper than listed, I probably will sell it to you cheaper.

I have a 40 comics: bunch of # 1's, cheap, interested, email me!

I have 15 NBA Superstars (like Starting Lineups) Basketball figures!

Really, like, if you want some of my writing (poems, articles, papers, etc) I'll make you a book and it will be really big and I'll get it bound. Anything to make $5-10. Ha, if you buy some of my writing, I'll write you a poem!

As you can see, I'm pretty desperate. If you are looking for something rare (records, tapes, movies, etc) or used TVs, CDs, whatever. I might just have it (because I'm a pack rat) or I could find it for you. Please, just help make some money....

A Hard Day's Fight

Last night, Rich, Jessica, and I watched some random parts of the American Music Awards. Some of it was annoying and some of it was funny. At one point, the members of Chevelle made a joke like, "Those of you in the cheap seats up there, clap your hands. And those of you in the expensive seats, rattle your jewelry." I thought that was really funny and I laughed pretty hard. But, it kind of sounded familiar to me, like I had heard it before. Later on that night, I was taking a Beatles quiz online and I realized that it was John Lennon who actually said, "Those of you in the cheaper seats, clap your hands. And the rest of you just rattle your jewelry" at the Royal Command Performance in 1963. The guys in Chevelle didn't quote him quite right, but at least the picked a semi-decent musical figure to quote.

By clicking here you can take the quiz(zes) for yourself.

A Sunday Afternoon's Stuff

I'm sitting here, still in my pajama pants, trying to figure out all the stuff I've got to do today. I'm scraping together money to pay my gas bill, which isn't really that important. But, I have to keep it turned on to live here, thus the need to pay the bill. I need to go to Chipley to pay it, but my car is low on gas and I'm low on money. Maybe Mike is going and I can bum a ride from him?

Have you ever read something someone wrote? Something like, I wonder if he is thinking of me or if only he knew I was thinking about him? And, that person is the person you've been thinking about. Now you are wondering if you and that person were thinking about each other? Happened to me today.

My checking account is overdrawn something fierce now. I've got to make some money just to get it back over to the positive. Plus, I need an oil change and some gas money to drive home in two weeks for Thanksgiving. It looks like I'll be doing some temp manual labor this week. If you wanna donate, I would appreciate...

I think that is it. My breath stinks...


Saint Gereon is praying for you! To learn more
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"Think you caught me on the downslide, downturn. I was busy writing with a pen and paper. Thin dream. And all your plastic people with plastic hearts and smiles. They had the worst intentions all along, after all." Death Cab For Cutie, Pictures In An Exhibtion, from Something About Airplanes.

The Scariest Things

There is a house
It’s not like the rest
Something for everyone
People say it’s the best

It’s up on a hill
More like a tiny mound of fill
Using every resource they can obtain
To make it seem bigger than the pain

I hear their words
Their sighs are seen
As in the cold breeze
Forging what they mean

Differences shape that space
A lawn that seems replaced
Dirt for nothing and some grass
Piloting over my own stubborn ass

Because you cannot take a camel
Into the city air
It’s that same old feeling
You’ve doubted to share

The darkness lurks throughout this place
Life never seeming to embrace
Things that live and the people whom grow
All of it for nothing, just trophies to show

Mistakes are constantly made
Blackness covers all of its color
You wonder who would live in this dire place
It’s me, there is no other

God Teaches Jeff Something New

Lesson # 3,653,487

So, I had that interview today at Ramsay Youth Services. I went not expecting much. I thought I had reason too. God, however, had bigger plans for me. I did get the job as a Mental Health Technician. At first, it’ll only be a part-time and on call job, but I'll still get 32 hours usually. Then, when something comes available, I will have the opportunity to get something full-time because they hire from within first. So, it's a really good day for me and my debt. I don't actually start until December 8th because I have to do orientation first and that’s the nearest date in which they do orientation. So, I rejoice now because God is faithful, even when I'm faithless.

Nothing New

Today, I have a job interview. I remember when that seemed like a big deal.

The Joys of Unemployment

...and a few extra bucks--

If I had to pick one specific food item that I would never want to live without, I would have to go with the McDonald's Egg McMuffin. It's just so tasty. I'm going to go get me a couple in an hour or so.

Relevancy

I talked to my friend Thais today. She hails from Switzerland. Even though we didn’t talk about this today, I can’t help but think about being relevant to the world around me. Thais and I have discussed the pros and cons of Christian post-modern thought and what being a person in a progressive culture entails. Although, I don’t always agree with her (albeit, I don’t ever agree with anyone), she makes some really good points. I think it’s sensible to conclude that as Christians, we are called to be significant to those around us in our homes, families, communities, counties, states, etc. Why does the world change us? Why do we wait for the "times to change" before we do something? Shouldn’t the church’s job be to spread the unchanging absolute truth to the very changing relativistic world? I’m thinking purely on the notion that I haven’t been an applicable person with views that are pertinent to the people in my hood. Some might ask, "What if those who you are trying to reach don’t care?" I don’t remember anyone, anytime in scripture worrying about that. We are commanded to spread the Gospel, not to think about doing it. I say this to myself before I say it to anyone else.

Life In My Neighborhood

I live in government housing. I don't technically know the name of it, but to the locals, we call this particular sect The Hood. As I was driving on Sanders Avenue yesterday (the road to get to my street), I drove by to see a man sitting down on his porch and urinating onto the ground from his porch. I frantically looked away only to think aloud, "I just saw that guy's &*#%!" This truly is the hood.

Enjoy Death Tonight Because You May Have To Live Tomorrow

Dissatisfaction with life invades loads and loads of my time everyday. Time that is much needed on other ventures and activities. But, I never learn from my past mistakes and I spend more time avoiding the possible enhancers then trying to do something constructive. I wrote a post a few weeks back about being discontent with your momentary placement in life. Now more than ever, I am still wallowing in my own pity. It's not pretty. Matter of fact, it’s downright stupid and revolting. Why would anyone ever find friendship with me an attractive, appealing thing? I guess we all did drugs at fifteen.

Tonight, I was talking to a friend named Lauren and I was discussing the seemingly endless possibilities to write about (more like the lack of). She suggested writing about the good that has been going on in my life. Instead, I chose to take a different approach and write about how I'm too childish to realize what is good in my life.

Several things, as trivial and simplistic as they are to the world around me, have been on my mind a lot lately because they are important to me. Friendship is the first. I am grateful for the friends I have. I wouldn't be able to make it through some days without them. But I decided a long time ago, if it was just God and I, I would be fine. Maybe I wouldn't have come to that conclusion if I were just thankful for the things that I have. Instead of having staunchly erred thinking and saying, why do I have to put up with some of these people, I should be thankful all these people put up with me. And, I am. I need to be more thankful.

My ego is another bitter cup to take. Pride kills and it is an endeavor of sin that I never want to be on. Matter of fact, I pride myself on how unprideful and egocentric I am not. Did you catch that? I don't flee from stupidity; I just jump in feet first. I've been told here recently, quite a bit I might add, that I always have to be right. In anything and everything. Of course, I argue this charge, but when it comes down to it, that's just another example of this idiocy I display. Why must I always be right? Why must I have to share my opinion on everything? Uhh... It bothers me so much. I bother myself more than others. Well, actually, that's probably not true because I do enjoy hearing myself talk. But, I can confess that my own pride rips the limbs from my life as well as the relationships in my life. Who wants to hang out with me? Not even I do? But what sucks about that is, I can't get away from myself.

Please don't think I'm just looking for sympathy. I'm not trying to say, "Poor silly Jeff, he needs his friends to put up with him." I'm just trying to write the things I think when no one is around. The point of this site is to express the personal matters that make up our days here on earth. Life is so limited. None of us are guaranteed any more time than we’ve already had. I make up what I already waste with more trash. I limit myself. I limit what I do by just taking up space. Perhaps, I will grow. I usually don't worry about myself in this manner. But, now that I've been aware of this, I should hope that I would change myself for the better. Maybe, I can just be alone for a while...

"Hammers and nails I've used them for building my face this time tomorrow. When I see you again outside. And inside I can hide my sorrow. Talking in such a dirty way found a way I could come back. Catch your eye it's just the same as reminding me of what I wanted. Its what you are. " The Appleseed Cast, Dreamland, from End of The Ring Wars.

Holiday Everyday

We citizens of the world are big on celebration. Most times we don't care if we got anything worth celebrating or not. We're here for the party. As long as the days of the week end in "y" we'll find something to throw our hands in the air and "woo-hoo" about. All we need is something to give us that emotional high so we can forget our troubles.

This is not to say that there's no call for celebration. There's plenty. Life. Breath. Togetherness. Prozac. You know, all that stuff. But why fill a book with things to be happy about? If we need such a book I'm concerned that maybe we're not really happy to begin with. Every Good and Perfect Gift is from God. Can't we just be happy with Him? We have a problem with this. We'd rather thank the leaves for falling.

I like a lot of things in this world. I like the way leaves crunch under my feet in the autumn months. I like turkey and Dorito sandwiches. I like stuffed animals and odd happy meal toys. I like Nick@Nite. I like breaking rules. I like tricking people. I like getting new music and subjecting friends to it. I like arguing about fanship with Jeff. I like a lot of things, but if my happiness could be maintained by them I would be a sad man.

Our definitions of happiness can be so fragile. When dreams are shattered we get new dreams. When people leave or die on us we make new friends. When heroes disappoint us, we find someone else to look up to. When all else fails we opt to take joy in the simple things like coffee or the night sky.

Happiness is nothing short of knowing God. Stop rewriting the definition. You only do that to convince yourself you're happy when you're really not. You do it. I do it. We all do it. And if we don't stop we'll continue to be miserable. So I encourage you follow this definition and Get Happy!

Boys Don't Cry

Don't you really just despise the game of phone tag? No, not freeze tag, phone tag. You know, when you call someone and leave a message, they call you back and you're not there, so they have to leave a message. You return their phone call and then, yep they're not home. So, when they get your message they immediately try and of course, you're not there. So on and so forth. I'm playing right now with a friend. I think we're tied.

"And this phone tag game is endless. The novelty is wearing." Dashboard Confessional

My Reformation Day

Days pass me by
So many, so fast
It’s hard to see them
For what they really are
I would like to live
Each day, by day
So much so
I’d never take any for granted
I look at the passing traffic
Sitting at my desk
I look at my life
Passing me by
I’d like to change
The things that happen
It seems all the more I try
To get out of the rut
The stress never seems to loosen up
Why does life do that?
To me and everyone else
Who pulls the strings beneath?
Perhaps all will tell
Maybe it will all fade
Who knows, who cares
Deceasing the unwanted
Feelings aside when needed
I’ve grown to like this
Being alone is never missed

Tomorrow Won't Be Here Soon Enough

At 8:00 AM tomorrow, I will begin my last day at CARE. I'm excited. It should be a simple day or should I say, less confusing than the rest. I've sorta gotten the hang of this office. I'm just glad to be leaving 'cause this ain't my calling. But, this experience has be good. Besides money for paying bills, this job has put me into contact with more possible places for employment than I previously had. CARE is one. Some schools for mentally handicapped and mentally disturbed, boys homes, youth centers, and stuff like that. The resources look more plentiful now. If you need someone with a BA to work for you, call me. Chase, Donna, and I watched the season finale to the Joe Schmoe show. If you didn't watch it, you missed out! Anyway, I'm out. Tomorrow is Halloween. Chaz is having a party and it's going to be rad. It's not really that big of deal, but I'm really looking forward to it. I guess I'm just starved for company. But hey, hanging out with friends on Halloween is always time well spent.

I've Suffered A Loss

Today, I noticed something. It happened yesterday. But, I was too busy to realize it. My $15 black Casio watch has died. It takes with it a lot of memories. Until I can get a new one, I have to wear my silver Fossil watch. I always feel like I'm one of those people who are trying to "bling bling" (as the kids say) when I wear it. Oh well. You'll be missed little buddy... *Sigh*

Literally Figurative

I wait for a new fire
To burn bright inside of me
Rekindling this old flame
That was burned out by brush winds sometime ago
Where will I find this fuel?
That familiar space
A desire that vanished
With the ovation of your newfound hatred
I cannot put this off
I will not hesitate
Without anything else
You never wanted to wait
Fakeness fades out memories
Bitterness burns long and continuous
Hurtfulness helps inviting feelings
But, hate keeps our hearts from healing
I respond to nothing
I ignore the resounding gloom
Assuming it’s done
One million times rerun
Flipping to the index
Reading the end is cheating
Too many times bothered
Fifty-four, I miscounted
After today is gone
The sun will not shine anymore
So as this fire, has left me cold
I blame nobody but myself because I was told

An Exposition: Driving For Discontentment

The sentiments of dissatisfaction claim lives one by one...

Not for any reason other than one’s own laziness, people will give up on something (tasks, relationships, etc) with sheer effortlessness, rather than continue on with their undertaking to see a verdict revealed. Instead of hanging on to see if victory or defeat is imminent, people will relinquish all joys, rewards, understandings, and new insights that may come with either decision, just for the easy way out.

And for what? The agony of victory? The thrill of defeat? What’s the cost of giving in to defeat and giving up on people?

When one gives up the fight before the final bell rings, they have already rendered a loss before it would have been decided. People in this life give up much too easily. There is no longer a desire for perseverance. There is no longer a desire for determination. As long as you watch out for yourself, you will be fine. Do not worry about the people you let down. Do not worry about your inability to complete a task. Do not worry about seeing a resolution through in a relationship. Do not worry about anybody else. Look out for number one and everything will be okay. This is a poor way to live your life!

The succession of effort to outcome is a necessity in our lives.

All the while, you either decide to give up or continue on the road you are running. A win or a loss is a lesson learned. But to submit before a decision is delivered is pusillanimous. One must choose to better him or herself by finishing the race; no matter if they are first or fiftieth.

Many in the world today see finality as a grave esteem—it can be fixed with time. Take care of yourself now, watch out for others later. “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.” Whatever you mess up now can be fixed later. Pleasure is viewed as the ultimate goal, no matter how high the price is. Get what you want, than worry about others. It’s the only way you can survive. This is a farce.

Travail to prevail.

You take the good with the bad in this lifetime. A decision, either way is still an outcome; no matter if it’s a win or a loss. If you hung in there, you are a better person for it. We need to be a people who focus on finishing rather than quitting. Let’s stop concerning ourselves with selfish intentions and live our lives with selfless desire.

Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon

When I grow up, I'm going to be an adult. I worked today. Yahoo! Money! Well, some at least. Got a call from my temp service the other day. Today, tomorrow, and next Tuesday through Friday, I will be a secretary for CARE (Chemical Addiction Recovery Effort) in Marianna, FL. It's a so-far, easy and kind of stressful position. When you have somebody waiting in the lobby, but you're busy trying to take a message on the phone, you've got a billion papers in your arms, and all the other lines on the phone are ringing, you start to sweat. However, I'm hoping tomorrow will go by faster than today did. I'm not complaining though, it's good to be semi-employed. Now, if I can get one of these things full time, boy would that be great. I work from 8AM-5PM, which lunch from noon to 1PM. I'm tired, I've got a headache, my body aches, and I'm hungry. Momma, I'm coming home...

Profiteer

Exploitation of life
You make it what we hear
All the things I’ve grown to hate
Everything you’ve been saying this year

Ideals and exhibitions
Grading the system for what it sees
Making paper planes to fly
A reason to spread your disease

These heresies flee
Unabridged by the uninformed
Many more will come to know
These reasons for why I’m not reformed

Tonight, I Will Sleep Alone.
But, Sleeping Alone Is Better--
Than Sleeping With Someone Who Hates You...

Yesterday and today, the hood and ghetto (my neighborhood) was subject to inspection and reexamination. My apartment had one thing wrong with it, but I now have another year’s lease. Although, I think I’m still planning on moving into Justin’s place, it's just nice to have an apartment to stay in if our plans change.

Last night I watched the movie A Mighty Wind. It’s a film by Christopher Guest, the creator of Best In Show and Waiting For Gufman. It’s a satirical look at folk music in America and of course, it was done in mocumentary fashion, like his other two films. If you like dry humor at all, you need to watch this movie (and the others for that matter). A Mighty Wind is not as funny as Best In Show, but equal to Waiting For Gufman. It’s worth watching if you need something to see while you eat your dinner. I can’t eat food and not watch TV, it’s weird. Do you guys have that problem?

I’ve been hanging out on campus today. It’s been fun. I talked to some new folk and that’s always interesting. It’s funny explaining constantly that even though I have graduated, I still live in this small town and I don’t have a job. I get weird looks, which is expected I suppose. Who knows what God’s got for me? Well, not me for one. And not you either. It's also funny to see people you used to be so close to and watch them start to fade from your memory. Sure, it's an ambigous thought, but it's true. I saw a few of those fade-awayers today. God help me to fade...

"Why you even care. Do you ever wonder why we met here? The time is 2:22 and I hope my wish comes true. And I think I'll know just when you do. And I hope I do. Maybe this is just what I need and maybe I'm wrong." The Juliana Theory, This Is Not A Love Song, from Understand The Is A Dream.

What's For Breakfast?

Nothing. Not yet. I'm stuck here in class. I'm not hungry for learnin' not this mernin'. I want some grub. I'm 'bout to have to kill some folk...
Sorry, I don't know what got into me. Oh, wait. Yeah, it must be Menace II Society. Thuggage-In, Thuggage Out! It's Jeff's fault I've been corrupted. Boy knows I only watch movies rated "G". I can see the misunderstanding...

Last night we (me, Jeff and Donna) watched that hood flick. We kept eye on the clock cause at 10 central the new episode of "Joe Schmo" would air. The movie ended just in time. "Joe Schmo" was no disappointment. That was over just in time too. We flipped down to Letterman who's first guest was John Cusack. Candid as I hoped.

Afterward we caught a summer repeat of Conan. Ironically, the topic was Schwarzenegger. Relating to a story, Conan impersonated Arnold and said, "This always happens to me. I grab girls and they get mad!!!"
This story had nothing to do with the sex charges. Those didn't become public until recently, months after this episode taped.

See, this was a night when television worked out nicely and to my enjoyment. It was as though t.v. programming was, in fact, pre-programmed and in line with some greater cosmic scheme. I was mystified to say the least.

I got to be up out here now. Breakfast calls.
"Fool, Fix me some grits!"

Happy Thanksgiving Canada

Trying to find work in Graceville is like trying to find happy black people at a KKK rally...

The wedding this weekend was really cool. It was nice to see a couple of friends, who are truly in love, tie the knot. I met some really nice people as well. Chuck, Jon's old youth pastor, married them and he was a really Godly guy. Josh, a friend of Jon's from the church was also a fun edition to the wedding party. Allison's maid of honor, Joanna, was also a really cool girl. She and I have started writing emails and she is probably one of the most honest girls I've ever met. All and all, minus all the rain, it was a really nice wedding.

In other news, I think Justin and I decided it would be better for the both of us if I moved into his apartment instead of him moving into mine. I'm finishing the paperwork for the Graceland Manor and soon, I will be in like sin. I'm excited that I can leave my house now and feel safe once again.

I think that's it for an update...

Once I had a dream and now it may come true.

Songs of Love Are Better Than Songs About Sorrow

Tonight will be the last post from me until sometime next week. I have a good friend getting married this weekend. I am lucky enough (and honored in that) to be a groomsmen in his wedding. Jon Egan is a former roommate from my sophomore year in college. His bride-to-be, Allison, is also a pretty good friend of mine. She only attended school here for one year, but in that short time I got to know her pretty well. And needless to say, but I will anyway, Jon and I are really close. So, I'm riding over with a couple (Walt & Diane) tomorrow and I'll be back on Saturday. We'll see if I can get some pictures of me in a tux up here. I'm actually taking my camera this time, so maybe it’ll happen. It doesn't happen that often, but you know, I'm vain when I have to pay $75 dollars to wear something for a few hours. So, expect me to flaunt my junk. Actually, I'll probably just end up just feeling fat and ugly about myself. So, check back to see how I let my self-consciousness overtake the little confidence I have. Until then, I'll leave you with some words that I'm thinking about. It doesn’t relate to the wedding. Just some other people I know. No, not you:

"He plead the fifth too long. Deserving to walk the plank and fall. No longer blind, the light hurts his eyes. In hopes that time will help anesthetize. Annul the hurt; the shame. That's eating him alive. He's praying more their friendship will survive. Ok, so far I'm not impressed. When does it get good? And how much time is left? No way, she can't end up with him. Did the hero die? Don't the good guys win? Don't they win? Don't they win in the end?" Craig's Brother, Masonic, From Lost At Sea.

Workin' Man's Blues

I went back to that temp place today. I got up at 4:15 AM, drove to the temp place by 5:30 AM, left the temp place by 5:45 AM, made it to Enterprise, Alabama by 6:30 Am, started working around 7:00 AM, and got off work around 2:00 PM. I got paid $45.00 bucks for my daily wage (including $9 for gas money). I got paid for 8 hours too, which was really cool considering I worked for 7 hours. Of course, I had to move 3000, 50 pound bags of grass seed with 9 other guys. We moved it out of a boxcar and onto palates. On top of that, I had to listen to a lot of the ignorant crap they were saying. I stated my opinion a few times, but I mostly kept my mouth shut and tried to get the job done. We had some slackers, so that was frustrating too. Moral of the story: I need a new job. But, hey, money is money. I need a shower!

Ain't Nothin' But A 'G' Thing Baby

And 'G' stands for groveling. That's where I'm at in life. I'm begging for work wherever I go. I know God has got something for me. I just have no clue what it is or where it's at. In my most recent move toward employment, I got several things accomplished yesterday. I went by Kelly Services and filled out a butt load of paperwork. They find you temporary worker jobs and sometimes they can get you directly hired to a company. I also went another temp place and it's not as nice as Kelly. This other place (I don't want to talk crap about them because I need money) I went to is a little bit above the slave trade. Basically, you go work for them and get paid for that day. People call this service, say they need work done, and the service sends people out to the job sites. This seems like a good idea. Of course they only pay $5.15 an hour. They also take out taxes (which sucks if you live in Florida because it's in Alabama and they have a lot). And you can not take a job with a customer of theirs until you put in at least 6 weeks or 300 hours (something ridiculous like that) for their company first. And on top of that, you have to be there at 5:30 AM, which I was this morning. I got up at 4:15 AM and drove the 45 minute ride. However, if there isn't enough work to go around, there is a chance that you don't get to work that day, like me this morning. I sat there from 5:30 AM to about 8:00 AM and I didn’t get paid a dime. However, I have been at my aunt’s house for many hours, yesterday and today. I got fed well. So, what’s the moral of the story? I don't know. It's an experience I needed to do and I'm going to do it tomorrow because the lady said there will be work. Plus, thirty bucks is thirty bucks. I was mooching off of Donna's internet for the past while. She finally canceled it, so I'm back to resorting to borrowing the computer lab's internet. These conventional methods are maddening...

"When I grow up to be a man, will I dig the same things that turned me on as a kid? Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did? Will I joke around and still be able to take both sides? When I grow up to be a man will I look for the same things in a woman that I dig in a girl? Will I settle down fast or will I first wanna travel the world? Now I'm young and free... But how will it be when I grow up to be a man?" The Beach Boys, When I Grow Up (To Be a Man), from The Beach Boys Today!

Only By The Grace of God Go I

I cannot express these feelings
Pushed aside by what my heart contends
Refraining from flaming down
Waving without you seeing me frown
Aspects of life that I have missed
Desired for a better standard of living
Chemically dependent on anything chance
This bitterness becoming my new romance
Awful tendencies to reveal my thoughts
Telling the truth to hurt my own case
Agencies looking to kill my freedom
Pleading insanity proves I am guilty
Stealing ideas from other people
Plagiarizing as a form of breathing
Ripping off their identity
Borrowing climatic moments to enjoy this
Recovered stolen pieces of bliss
Coping with pain for others
Every day growing a little more worried in this
Finished; my life is no more
It was once a shiny new star
On a blank board
I'm too tired to care

Computer Club, Computer Club

Remember that Pauly Shore movie Encino Man? It was great. So, I'm in the lab at my ol' alma mater, just trying to pass some time. My friend Julie is sitting next to me. I'm going to try to convince her to come to the site right now. We'll see if putting her name on the internet will make her want to remember to keep folded up pieces of paper with our site's address on it :)

"Lying idle in my room telling my thoughts to the moon: why do I always feel so unimportant? To other egos my mind clings and inside these voices ring that I'm just a carbon copy of everyone else. And now I'm searching out my own identity. Something down inside telling me that I'm like no one else but me. But as of yet I still don't know. Who is this guy that I am and for his life what does he have to show? Who am I? What am I for?" Craig's Brother, Who Am I, from the album, Homecoming.

Two Can Play That Game

Instead of going out like Napster, Kazaa fights back!

I found this article through Relevant's newsletter—Kazaa turns tables on record labels, from MSNBC.

Apparently, Kazaa (Sharman Networks Ltd.) is now suing a few entertainment groups for, get this, copyright infringement. Basically, mimicking the exact castigation the Record Industry Association of America has been laying on Kazaa's P-2-P users for months.

"Sharman said the companies used Kazaa Lite, an ad-less replica of its software, to get onto the network. The lawsuit also claims efforts to combat piracy on Kazaa violated terms for using the network."

The reasoning behind the RIAA? To play dirty? Hardly. It's to be in pursuit of those people (or thieves?) who’ve been file swapping media via their computers. Now that these music and movie companies are getting it back, it doesn't seem like such a fun game to start? Yet, the industry doesn't think too highly of Kazaa's attempt to re-screw the companies:

"The Recording Industry Association of America called Sharman’s 'newfound admiration for the importance of copyright law' ironic and 'self-serving.'"

Which is a really good point, isn't it? If Kazaa has been furnishing an outlet capable of enabling everyday folk to generate acts of piracy with such neophyte ease, why would they go and try to piss off the RIAA even more? Fans of the service think the lawsuit is great, but doesn't it seem like The Man will go after Kazaa even harder?

You know that Napster will eventually be around again (you'll just have to pay this time). Thus, Kazaa might only end up having to pay some fines and could still operate and maintain their software, if they would be sensible. But, now because of this lawsuit, I would suppose that receptivity is not a trait of theirs. It seems like Kazaa is just digging themselves into a deeper hole than they were already in. And the RIAA wants to bury them in that hole, permanently!

Read the whole story here @ MSNBC News.

Cut Your Hair
by Pavement:

Darlin' don't you go and cut your hair
Do you think it's gonna make him change?
"I'm just a boy with a new haircut"
And that's a pretty nice haircut
Charge it like a puzzle
Hit men wearing muzzles
Hesitate you die
Look around, around
The second drummer drowned
His telephone is found

Music scene is crazy
Bands start up each and every day
I saw another one just the other day
A special new band
I remember lying
I don't remember a line
I don't remember a word
But I don't care, I care, I really don't care
Did you see the drummer's hair?

Advertising looks and chops a must
No big hair!
Songs mean a lot when songs are bought
And so are you
Face right down to the practice room
tension and fame's our career
career, career, career

Slightly Updated

Wow, all my comrades have posted, I'm impressed. Maybe Justin will come around soon. I think he has writer's block permanently (hope not)? I've added a bunch of junk-a-cola to the site. More updated detail of the staff. More blogs listed (our new friends). Many more music links (for anyone who cares). A bunch of things to get us more hits. And a partridge in a pear tree. I'm tired and I'm ready to be done looking at this site. I need a job. The School has been having a book sale. I walked out of there with thirty books today for $1.00 and about 2/3 of them went on Amazon. Please check out my inventory [Books For Sale --->], a lot of the books are really cheap. Help me pay the bills. I would say take a gander at Chase's, but he already out sells me. I think that's it. I went to a wedding two weekends ago, my friend Leslie's wedding is this weekend, and I'm a groomsmen in a wedding in another week. Am I missing something?

"Now it's time to say good night, good night, sleep tight. Now the sun turns out his light, good night, sleep tight. Dream sweet dreams for me. Dream sweet dreams for you. Close your eyes and I'll close mine. Good night, sleep tight." The Beatles, Good Night, from The Beatles (White Album).

It's a shame that George Washington's mom never had a picture of him.

Parents just don't understand.

When I get something right in my life, my folks want all the credit. When I get something wrong I receive all the blame. I'm all about taking responsibility for my actions. Afterall, that's what being growed up is all about. So, I say "Let's Share!"

I'm supposedly an adult which means I get in trouble for my mistakes. But, let's be fair. One of the major tasks we have as adults is to work through all the ways that our wonderful parents managed to screw me up. "Your Bad, My Bad. Let's call it even. Get off my back!"

How is that I have the insight to recognize that once upon a time my parents were new at this living thing and that no one gets it right the first time around? Why am I more forgiving of how they've screwed me up than they are of how I've screwed up?

Sometimes Presents Aren’t Good Enough

(This is for my friend Melissa Bearden on her 21st birthday)

The light from those candles leads my heart on
Because you can’t just live off of sunrises at dawn
God painted beautiful portraits of life in their own formation
You are one of these without exception

Please don’t argue, there’s not time today
You really don’t have to walk away
I think we can get you to understand this
There isn’t too much that I can’t resist

But, I can’t help it; one is your smile
Another is the way you make me feel
Tomorrow may never come
At least that’s a chance that you’ll be near

You really ought to know
Just how great you are
There are a million things I could wish for
Right now, my desire is for you to walk through this door

I would sit you down and play you a song
Wearing my heart out just so you could see
How much you mean
To everyone in the world, including me

I deal in words and phrases
Not in pictures and sentiments
If this is an illustration of what you mean to me
I hope I painted this well enough so that you can see

You are a beautiful woman
Who has an amazingly kind heart
If I was ever lucky enough to be around you
I would never want to be apart

If You Have Money, Give it to Jeff




He's poor, pitiful and hungry. After he got robbed again recently I thought it would be cool if there was a way that we could all show our support. Then, it occured to me: Paypal is the answer. So if you feel the urging do the wallet purging. Help a brother out, seriously!

Heterosexuals Have Rights Too

Here in Graceville, the rain has not stop coming for hours. It has pretty much been raining all day. As I listened to the storm beg for land to flood, I began to think about rain itself. It obviously comes from God and replenishes the earth's water intake, but how does it benefit me personally? I think I understood today what it can do for you. I used to get annoyed when I would have to go out and get wet. Now, I don't know, it could be fun. I love being in my apartment when it rains because it makes it a whole lot cooler. I just don't like to get wet is all. I know a lot of people agree with me. But there are some people who enjoy walking in the rain and are thrilled to get the opportunity. I used to think that was crazy, but I can now understand why those people like it; it is quite comforting. I'm learning and trying, really! Today, I chose to walk barefoot to check my mail during the rainstorm. Of course, I brought an umbrella because I'm still learning but I did enjoy the wetness. It brought a nice feeling over me. I don't know if I'll ever go without my umbrella, but I can appreciate the sentiment of walking in the rain. Go try it if it's raining where you live. You can always practice in the shower first.

"It's been a long time since I felt the rain upon my head." Further Seems Forever

I'm Gay, So What?

Disregard the title. I took it from another blog. I'm back from Starke now. I had a blast. I'll write more later, but it was definitely a nice break from the drudge of day-to-day living, even by my unemployed standards. By the way, the game Taboo is great fun. I think that's it. A big shout out to Chase for taking care of my crib. Holla 'atcha later my nizzles!

I may not always love you. But long as there are stars above you. You never need to doubt it. I'll make you so sure about it. God only knows what I'd be without you. If you should ever leave me. Though life would still go on believe me. The world could show nothing to me. So what good would living do me? The Beach Boys, God only knows, from Pet Sounds.

Breaking News from Apt. 8

I'm reporting to you live from inside the walls of the Watkins' home, hidden in a swell of darkness that is the most crime-ridden ghetto in all of North Florida.

Hookers, Gangbangers, Cokeheads, Thugs, and of course, former city council members all make their residence here in this hotbed of depravity. Decent human beings and upright citizens could never be comfortable in this place.

Three weeks ago Mr. Watkins, 23, had gone to a friends' house to watch footage of grown men grappling one another. Sometime between 8 and 10 o'clock the perpetrator(s) entered into his apartment through an unlocked window. He/She/They got away with an Apex DVD player.

Mr. Watkins wasn't all too miffed. He knew material loss could easily be recooped. When I spoke with him I warned that if this reaches trial his fanship of 'wrestling' could be used to incriminate him.

Sadly, when the next Monday night rolled around the same thing happened. Mr. Watkins had locked his windows and doors since the first incident. So, the perp(s) busted out a bedroom window. Apparently, one of the perp(s) cut his/her hand. There was blood and glass everywhere. This time they got away with 20 DVDs, some Christmas music on CD-R (which hardened criminals like this couldn't appreciate anyway) and worst of all, Mr. Watkins' sense of security.

Now he felt violated. He/she/they had gone too far. It was time for some serious action. Soon I took on the role of night watchmen. That brings us up to last night.

When I stepped out of the car, I smelled the smell of death and heard distant gunshots. I remembered what it was like to live in a warzone. Moments later I heard a noise in the front yard. I stared intently into the shadows. I fired several rounds. At the sound of whimpering I felt victory. It turned out to be a squirrel, but you can never be too safe.

Hours later I was standing guard on the front porch when an old man appeared on the road. He looked kindly enough, so I didn't shoot him. Instead, I yelled "Get out of here!" and fired into the air. He tried to run, but couldn't. I felt guilty for shaking him up so I murmured, "sorry 'bout that. my bad."

The noises of evil were brought to a low roar. Knowing I had scared the devil to sleep I went to bed myself. Thus far this morning everything has remained as calm. I don't expect that will last. I don't believe the worst is over. Darkness looms.

This has been a live update from Apt. 8

More later...

This Is The Only Thing You're Gonna Get For A While

Amidst preparation for my trip this weekend, I wanted to write something for everyone to ponder upon while I'm gone. I will be accompanying Jessica and Rich to the metropolis of Starke, FL for a friend's wedding. We get to see the not-so-forgotten Cheryl Miller also (her sister is getting married to great guy named Jeremy). It should be a lot of fun and of course, I'm just happy to get the heck out of dodge! Chase is sleeping at my house so the bad guys won't come and steal my stuff [again]. Okay, so I have nothing provocative to write. However, I came across these first 13 lines from a T.S. Eliot poem entitled, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock and I think they're beautiful. I want to see a lot of comments (even if you hate it). Have a good weekend kids.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question....
Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit.

What To Write About?

Lately, my life has felt rather mundane. I seem to going nowhere on a daily basis. I have rethought my goals and dreams one thousand times or more. I felt like staying put was the right thing to do and very few things prove it wrong. Not enough instances that I get a message saying "Get the heck out of dodge!" However, when the option of returning home comes up, ample jobs do not come into play. My life is at a standstill. It seems like everything I thought I was supposed to do is going to be put on halt. I inquire to God hourly about work, yet I seem to be missing what his will is. The more I try to figure anything out, the more confused I get. Surely, I'm not the first adult, freshly graduated from college to go through this. But it certainly feels like I am. I can't find a book on the subject. Maybe I should write one? The Bible gives me comfort as I read it, but everyday I usually forget what I previously read. I can’t fathom that God would have me be a bum, mooch, and panhandler for the next few months. This is the most I've had to rely on God for everything. Yet, maybe before, while I was in school, I just didn't have to worry about it. It wasn’t the faithful letting-God-take-control thing. More like, I'm-ignorant-and-don't-care attitude. My life sees less activity than the Graceville Zoo. And I feel about as worthless as a man can. As smug as this could possibly be interpreted, I know God will take care of me. How? I don’t know. But, maybe my panhandling gig will work out. If you're on welfare your whole life, do you get social security when you're 65?

"He's a real nowhere man. Sitting in his nowhere land. Making all his nowhere plans for nobody. Doesn't have a point of view. Knows not where he's going to. Isn't he a bit like you and me? Nowhere man, please listen. You don't know what you're missing. Nowhere man, the world is at your command." The Beatles, Nowhere Man, from the album, Rubber Soul.

Monday, Monday

Another day and still no dollars. How sad. This weekend was actually pretty busy for me. Friday night I played card/board games with Rich, Jessica, and Tyler and it was a swell time. Saturday, Stephanie Herres had to clean two houses that the college lends to visiting people. I just hung out and ended up getting to do five loads of laundry done for free. We ate at Wendy's afterward (she bought my food, what a great friend). Yesterday, I mostly pined over what's left of my movies and watched some. Justin and I are going to Dothan, AL to inquire about a job later. Maybe something will come up. That's it for now. Expect something more meaningful later. Or don't expect anything and be surprised. Or be disappointed. Or nevermind...

Infamous

Using words to describe
Things I’ve never felt before
Inspired to make mistakes
Grave things I cannot take
With me to live without
Myself in spite of me
All my regrets to carry out
I live on my own
Married to anyone who will have me
But never thinking
About turning off this feeling
Flawed with continuous infidelity
Pledging more to others
Than to an allegiance with
People turning against me
Leaving my pride and pity
By a door that won’t
Shutout those that don't
Think about me anymore
Glad to be beyond those walls
Missing all their dreams
Endowed with many more memories
That I cannot speak about
Keeping to this side of town
That leads your kind on
Drive by shootings everyday
Victimizing the relationship we sought
Purging all the pain I’ve got
Into one mixed up taste
So, I’ll drink from that unholy bottle
And leave nothing for waste

Just Another Day of My Life

Did you realize today is September 11th? It caught me off guard as I saw 9-11-03 on the clock on my computer. Crazy, huh? It was just two years ago. I've been up to Teen Challenge the past couple of days and I will be going over there tomorrow to give them the rest of the stuff for the application process. It seems like I could be close to getting a job there, although I believe that's totally up to the Lord. I could go into more detail, but I'm kind of in a hurry. Yesterday and today, I've been there and by the police station a lot (stuff about the robbery). Chase and I burnt a few of Rod Stewart's CD's tonight. Forget the hits, look into his early 70's stuff. It's great. G'night/G'morning...

"I still possess a photograph. My memory to refresh. But fade it may Jo I can say. I was sure that I had it made." Rod Stewart, Jo's Lament, from Gasoline Alley.

The Art of Thievery Part 2

As it would seem to be the impossible, again, for the second week in a row, my apartment was burglarized. you might ask yourself why? I have no idea. This time the annoyingly brave thieves broke my window and left blood on my bed sheet. The grabbed my pillow case and filled it with some of my empty CD cases (some were Beatles) and grabbed the Movie Gallery bag, which, thank God, only had one rental movie in it. They grabbed most of my DVDs and exited out the front door again. The cop is coming back to take pictures and write down some stuff so I got to go. I’m so pissed right now. I’ve gotta get out of this place!

Ha, I Was Right! It's Not So Bad To Be Poor...

"Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?" - James 2:5-7, NIV.

Zuits and Latters

This weekend has flown by. Not much happening. Friday, Justin, Mike, Zack, Savannah, and myself drove to Tally to the annual Wild Woodstock at some Presbyterian church there. We got to see Rhema and Capitol Speedway (those were the only two I wanted to watch). A few more bands played, but we decided that food was more important. Saturday, I mostly just watched movies. My friend Annie from back home called me and we talked for a few minutes. Her and I see eye-to-eye on a lot of relationship things. Although, she's 17, she has a lot of insight. Which means, she's really mature or I'm really immature. Yikes. Today is kind of a slow day. I was going to get up and go to church, but I'm lazy. That's it; no excuses, I'm just lazy. What else? Nothing.

"Us, and them. And after all we’re ordinary men. Me, and you. God only knows it’s not what we would choose to do." Pink Floyd, Us and Them, from Dark Side of the Moon.

Let's Have A P-a-r-t-y

What do, how much money I need to make in the next year, To Whom, and the debt of all the writers (collectively) on this site have in common? We all need, owe, or have twenty thousand of something. That might not have made sense, but if you got the riddle, you will have realized that our humble site is now 20,000 hits richer. Thanks to everyone who ever clicked on our site. And for all the doubters, we didn't just hit refresh a bunch of times either.

In not so related news, I got to hang with a dear friend, Amber Marie tonight. She came over and made fun of me for my DVD player getting swiped. It was great fun. We talked about our summers and future. We even agreed that if we were five years closer in age, we would probably date. Or maybe that was just my hope. Oh delay.

Yay, 20K! Let’s have a party!

"Sleep now sweet princess. I'll cheer for you silently and carefully not to disturb. I'll be ready on that evening. When you're starved for my attention you'll say, 'Wake now, prince; there's a brilliant sky above and a jealous moon in love and they are starved for our attention.'" Copeland, When Paula Sparks from, Beneath Medicine Tree.

Several Annoyances

I'm in a pretty good mood, but I get annoyed really easy. Here are a few things that are currently "infuriators" for me:

1. Love bugs? I don't love them. People worry about things like nuclear fallout. At least, I would die instantly (hopefully). I worry I'll have to scrape love bugs off my car for the next six months. I found one in my hair earlier. Gross!

2. Yaccs (comments) has been sucking lately. But it should be better my next week (there getting a new server).

3. When I was driving to town earlier, I was listening to music. I started thinking about my opinion and how much I annoy myself with it. I know I annoy my friends. Then in bitter get-back-at-them thoughts, their opinions started bothering me. Then, I started getting mad at why we all think we have the better opinions. Then... I just stopped thinking about it.

4. Heat. I'm thankful for the fact that I have fans in my apartment. I'm hugging mine right now. It's kind of awkward to type with a fan in your lap.

5. Voting. I've been registered to vote for 3 months now. I cannot decide on anything. That's why I registered independent. Not because I like the word, so I wouldn't have to worry about anything until the real election.

6. Moldy bread. None of mine is, but I'm always afraid that I'll never get through the next loaf. I bought some French bread today from Wal-Mart for $1.00. What a bargain! And Chase, it was the generic brand (hehe).

7. Okay, now I'll rant about the weather. It can't make up its mind. One day, sunny, later on, storming. Jeez, I hope I’m not that inconsistent.

8. Ants. I have some in my car. They’re just regular black ants, not even ones that hurt you. They like my car for some reason. They can't get enough of it and I can't seem to get rid of them!

9. Girls. I can't seem to figure them out. Of course, they're not meant to be, but I can't even get a clue. You know, if being gay wasn't an abomination, I would... just stay single forever. Where's Jed?

10. And finally, the whole debacle in South Africa that is going on. Cape Verde is committing to sign protocols of AU institutions. Hey, I needed something smart to talk about. All right, that's enough of that.

Finally, A Real Post

Sort of. The life and times of ill-advised deception is an epidemic that renders itself on our lives once again. Or whatever that means. I'm stupid and still unemployed. I'm sending résumés to Melbourne and if I get a job there, I'll probably move back home with the folks. However, if I can find something here, I will stay. Yay!

Today, the lovable maintenance man, Lamar, came by and told me that a lady at the housing authority office wanted to talk to me. I admit, I was a little nervous at first. But as I stated previously, if I get kicked out of my apartment, I will know I need to go home. If anything could be more indecisive, the lady and her supervisor apologized for how unorganized everything has been with me moving in and becoming head of the household. They just asked me to get a previous month's utility bill to prove how long I've lived here. So, as of now, I still have an apartment.

In other news, I had a date last night. It was real exciting. It’s the first one in a while. The date was not with a girl though. It was not with a guy either you sick and demented readers. The date was with my bed. I went to sleep around midnight. It's the first time in a long time. I usually don't go to bed until Sunrise. "Look ma’ I’m gettin’ all growned up!"

Okay, that's it. This is going to be short. I need to go print some stuff to mail at the college. Yay to be an alumnus.

"So easy to be a poet, so hard to be a man..." Canterbury Effect, Between Lines, from An Exercise In Humility.

The Art of Thievery

Much like the rest of the nation, I had the day off today. Not too unusual I suppose. I have the day off everyday. However, as I returned home this evening, I realized that I am now one among many who have had a crime perpetrated against them. Yes kids, I'm the first member of To Whom to be a victim of in home larceny. It's a recognition I soon do not want to experience again, for a while anyway. I left my windows in my bedroom open, as I always do. I’m guessing they came in through the window and went out the front door. The only thing they got was my DVD player, which is good. The cop that I filed the report with said he thought it was 3 guys, but I figure it was just one or they would have grabbed more. Anyway, I'm too annoyed to write. I really don't care about the DVD player, it’s not that important. I’m more pissed that my apartment is going to be really hot now because I can't keep my windows open anymore.

Wisdom

"There does not appear any greater evil in the disputes concerning matters of religion, than the persuading ourselves that our salvation or God's glory are lost by every little difference. As for me, I exhort my scholars, not only to distinguish between the true and the false according to Scripture, but also between the essential articles of faith, and the less essential articles, by the same Scripture."
-Jacobus Arminius

Disconnected

Was it all lies?
Just excuses for why it wouldn’t work.
You play the part of the victim.
Please let me take the role of the criminal.
I hate to feel this way.
It seems to be happening everyday.
I’m tired and lonely.
Ready to give into this envy.
Coveting things that are not mine.
I’ll break commandments for my own sake.
Do what I feel.
I’ve failed.
Time and again...

It’s the same old story.
This one is actually new.
Writing from my point of view.
Opinions are too easily disarrayed.
I’ve grown old in my rebellious ways.
Just trying to leave.
With some heart and purpose.
Ready to be done with this.
Letting it go before.
Ready to embrace an opening door.
Kicked in the heart
Ripped off my head
I'll just lie here and pretend that you're dead.