Enjoy Death Tonight Because You May Have To Live Tomorrow

Dissatisfaction with life invades loads and loads of my time everyday. Time that is much needed on other ventures and activities. But, I never learn from my past mistakes and I spend more time avoiding the possible enhancers then trying to do something constructive. I wrote a post a few weeks back about being discontent with your momentary placement in life. Now more than ever, I am still wallowing in my own pity. It's not pretty. Matter of fact, it’s downright stupid and revolting. Why would anyone ever find friendship with me an attractive, appealing thing? I guess we all did drugs at fifteen.

Tonight, I was talking to a friend named Lauren and I was discussing the seemingly endless possibilities to write about (more like the lack of). She suggested writing about the good that has been going on in my life. Instead, I chose to take a different approach and write about how I'm too childish to realize what is good in my life.

Several things, as trivial and simplistic as they are to the world around me, have been on my mind a lot lately because they are important to me. Friendship is the first. I am grateful for the friends I have. I wouldn't be able to make it through some days without them. But I decided a long time ago, if it was just God and I, I would be fine. Maybe I wouldn't have come to that conclusion if I were just thankful for the things that I have. Instead of having staunchly erred thinking and saying, why do I have to put up with some of these people, I should be thankful all these people put up with me. And, I am. I need to be more thankful.

My ego is another bitter cup to take. Pride kills and it is an endeavor of sin that I never want to be on. Matter of fact, I pride myself on how unprideful and egocentric I am not. Did you catch that? I don't flee from stupidity; I just jump in feet first. I've been told here recently, quite a bit I might add, that I always have to be right. In anything and everything. Of course, I argue this charge, but when it comes down to it, that's just another example of this idiocy I display. Why must I always be right? Why must I have to share my opinion on everything? Uhh... It bothers me so much. I bother myself more than others. Well, actually, that's probably not true because I do enjoy hearing myself talk. But, I can confess that my own pride rips the limbs from my life as well as the relationships in my life. Who wants to hang out with me? Not even I do? But what sucks about that is, I can't get away from myself.

Please don't think I'm just looking for sympathy. I'm not trying to say, "Poor silly Jeff, he needs his friends to put up with him." I'm just trying to write the things I think when no one is around. The point of this site is to express the personal matters that make up our days here on earth. Life is so limited. None of us are guaranteed any more time than we’ve already had. I make up what I already waste with more trash. I limit myself. I limit what I do by just taking up space. Perhaps, I will grow. I usually don't worry about myself in this manner. But, now that I've been aware of this, I should hope that I would change myself for the better. Maybe, I can just be alone for a while...

"Hammers and nails I've used them for building my face this time tomorrow. When I see you again outside. And inside I can hide my sorrow. Talking in such a dirty way found a way I could come back. Catch your eye it's just the same as reminding me of what I wanted. Its what you are. " The Appleseed Cast, Dreamland, from End of The Ring Wars.