Breaking News from Apt. 8

I'm reporting to you live from inside the walls of the Watkins' home, hidden in a swell of darkness that is the most crime-ridden ghetto in all of North Florida.

Hookers, Gangbangers, Cokeheads, Thugs, and of course, former city council members all make their residence here in this hotbed of depravity. Decent human beings and upright citizens could never be comfortable in this place.

Three weeks ago Mr. Watkins, 23, had gone to a friends' house to watch footage of grown men grappling one another. Sometime between 8 and 10 o'clock the perpetrator(s) entered into his apartment through an unlocked window. He/She/They got away with an Apex DVD player.

Mr. Watkins wasn't all too miffed. He knew material loss could easily be recooped. When I spoke with him I warned that if this reaches trial his fanship of 'wrestling' could be used to incriminate him.

Sadly, when the next Monday night rolled around the same thing happened. Mr. Watkins had locked his windows and doors since the first incident. So, the perp(s) busted out a bedroom window. Apparently, one of the perp(s) cut his/her hand. There was blood and glass everywhere. This time they got away with 20 DVDs, some Christmas music on CD-R (which hardened criminals like this couldn't appreciate anyway) and worst of all, Mr. Watkins' sense of security.

Now he felt violated. He/she/they had gone too far. It was time for some serious action. Soon I took on the role of night watchmen. That brings us up to last night.

When I stepped out of the car, I smelled the smell of death and heard distant gunshots. I remembered what it was like to live in a warzone. Moments later I heard a noise in the front yard. I stared intently into the shadows. I fired several rounds. At the sound of whimpering I felt victory. It turned out to be a squirrel, but you can never be too safe.

Hours later I was standing guard on the front porch when an old man appeared on the road. He looked kindly enough, so I didn't shoot him. Instead, I yelled "Get out of here!" and fired into the air. He tried to run, but couldn't. I felt guilty for shaking him up so I murmured, "sorry 'bout that. my bad."

The noises of evil were brought to a low roar. Knowing I had scared the devil to sleep I went to bed myself. Thus far this morning everything has remained as calm. I don't expect that will last. I don't believe the worst is over. Darkness looms.

This has been a live update from Apt. 8

More later...