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Jeff Watkins
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Previous Posts

The Day Five Iron Died (Future tense) I may be ...
A Prayer I wrote this about a year ago t...
My My Hey Hey (Out of the Blue) It's late and I...
Ranting and Raving Friday night came and went...
Help! I Need Sombody! If you're bored. Help me...
Hanging Out With Slippery Pete Wasn't today bea...
Alone With Others Unaccompanied on Valentine’s ...
A Mediation on Love Who is She who rises as the...
Anecdotal Aspirations People have been asking...
When it Rains You'd think I would learn by no...


© To Whom It May Concern 2002-2010, except for cited or source material.

 

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Singleness Is Bliss

The plague of this couple-ridden weekend has finally drawn to a close. And yes, I too, much like Justin (Highlander) have endured. I sit in my room alone still. Won't this ever end? While I'm working on my homework for computer class, I contemplate my relationships of old. I don't usually do much soul-searching regarding my past love(s) because frankly, I think I’ve been the one who has messed them all up. Of course, there were equal crimes committed by both, her(s) and I, but I still wonder about them. Yes, I have been the one to break up with a girlfriend before or decided a girl and I shouldn't seek a relationship anymore, but besides that, I know they weren't my entire fault. Right? Of course not! It is impossible for one person to simply be the reasoning for any failures that his or her love life has ever seen. Yet, these are the same thoughts that have kept me up many nights before. But, really, why do we go around and spend time dwelling on who was right or wrong? Most of the time, all we’re really doing is seeking to find only one answer to a certain question. What the heck happened? That's the key question to anyone who has ever had a failed relationship. I'll expound on mine later if need be, but the source to all my bent up hostilities and bitterness goes far back, beyond anything you could imagine.

You see, the story about my relationships goes all the way back to the nice mature age of three. I was in preschool at Harbor City Baptist Church in my hometown of Melbourne, Florida. It was there that I had my first physical experience with the opposite sex. Her name was uh...well...ugh...I don't remember her name. Can you blame me? It was almost twenty years ago. Anyway, I remember trying to convince this young lady (and I do mean young) to kiss me in the bathroom. If you remember the old church buildings that had the bathrooms that you could open from both sides, like there were two entrances. Well, it was my clever and sly scheme to have her go in one side of the bathroom and I would go into the other classroom and go in through that door. Then, we would meet in the middle and enjoy a few seconds of kissing pleasure (I swear this was going through my mind). Ok, maybe not all of the detail, but I really did try to make this happen. Yes, even children are depraved. As time and age would allow it, the girl didn't want to have any part of it. She just wanted to be friends. This was the foundation of my life and the beginning to my journey through this crazy thing called love and as it would be, numerous failed relationships.

Now, I cannot even begin to start and explain all of my relationships past and present. But, I can begin by telling you what I've learned about the opposite sex. While all of that was mere humor into the perspective of my love life, I simplify my thoughts back to the days of my post-terrible two's. I didn't get that girl then and I my date book isn't necessarily any fuller these days. What it comes down to is this: I didn’t understand that girl then and certainly don't understand women now. For example: some girls at my school wore black on Valentine’s Day. While I found some of it funny, other parts annoyed me [some girls] in particular. I know what you’re thinking and yes I was wearing black too. But, why should I have to change my color-coordinating preferences because some girls want to humorously protest the 'love-day'? If you are single, that doesn't signify anything. It just means you are not currently in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. It certainty doesn't constitute you being considered a dork, unsuccessful, nerdy, or some other witty junior high euphemism. You make a day like Valentine’s Day mean what you want it to. If you want to act like you are a failure because you don't have a significant other, then so be it. But, you are just as successful of a person with or without a relationship. Its just plain nonsense to see it any other way. I thought we found our confidence in Christ? Not in feeling all lovey-dovey one day a year. That's why I had a problem with those girls at my school. Anyway, as it would be, I still don't understand the ladies.

Like I said previously, I've felt insecure in my past relationships. Like I've caused them to fail. Inevitable, it was just one of the unexplainable occurrences of life. Whether it wasn't God's will, I messed up, she messed up, it was by chance, our free agency, predestination, who knows? All I do know is that it ended and caused me to do one of four things: 1.Get sad. 2. Get mad. 3. Cry. 4. Write a poem. All in all, I'd say the average results weren't too bad. They still ended and I can't explain that. I'm sure it's like that for everyone, but at this point in my life, I'd like some explanations. Maybe all I'm looking for is closure? Maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse to rethink and rehash old flames that were extinguished long ago? I don’t know.

Nevertheless, I voyage on to find the 'one for me' or whatever ideal I have been brainwashed into believing. You know, I don't know if there is one special person for me or if there are several gals out there who would be a perfect match. I don't know anything. The older I get and the more educated I get, the more I realize that there is so much more to learn and I don't really know that much. Thus, I feel dumber. I think that is the key to becoming an adult. And for a Christian, realizing that you cannot do anything outside of yourself and you must rely and be totally dependent upon God for everything. Whether your job, your love, or you finances. That’s the focal point of Christianity and at the least, adulthood. The thing I now have to come to grips with in my life is realizing how inconsequential all those other things are. Passed relationships, failed or successful are still, in the past. We should remember history, but never let it sit as the center of attention for too long, that you might dwell on it. Learn and let go. Regrets don't do any good because you cannot change the things that have already been done. Learn, live, and let go.

I know, this is a really long post and you're waiting for the conclusion or the point; something significant to take with you. Sorry folks, there are no earth-shattering revelations in this one. It stands a mystery to me, as do some other aspects of life. All I know is, until I seek the Lord fully and until I am most ultimately fulfilled in him, I won't be able to understand life or grasp the mystery that is the opposite sex, known simply to us all as the woman.

(I know, it's long, but I put my heart into it)

"Whether truth is stronger than either wine, the king, or woman." From Commentary on the Ethics of Aristotle by Thomas Aquinas

posted by Jeff Watkins at 2:58 AM

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