My Reformation Day

Days pass me by
So many, so fast
It’s hard to see them
For what they really are
I would like to live
Each day, by day
So much so
I’d never take any for granted
I look at the passing traffic
Sitting at my desk
I look at my life
Passing me by
I’d like to change
The things that happen
It seems all the more I try
To get out of the rut
The stress never seems to loosen up
Why does life do that?
To me and everyone else
Who pulls the strings beneath?
Perhaps all will tell
Maybe it will all fade
Who knows, who cares
Deceasing the unwanted
Feelings aside when needed
I’ve grown to like this
Being alone is never missed

Tomorrow Won't Be Here Soon Enough

At 8:00 AM tomorrow, I will begin my last day at CARE. I'm excited. It should be a simple day or should I say, less confusing than the rest. I've sorta gotten the hang of this office. I'm just glad to be leaving 'cause this ain't my calling. But, this experience has be good. Besides money for paying bills, this job has put me into contact with more possible places for employment than I previously had. CARE is one. Some schools for mentally handicapped and mentally disturbed, boys homes, youth centers, and stuff like that. The resources look more plentiful now. If you need someone with a BA to work for you, call me. Chase, Donna, and I watched the season finale to the Joe Schmoe show. If you didn't watch it, you missed out! Anyway, I'm out. Tomorrow is Halloween. Chaz is having a party and it's going to be rad. It's not really that big of deal, but I'm really looking forward to it. I guess I'm just starved for company. But hey, hanging out with friends on Halloween is always time well spent.

I've Suffered A Loss

Today, I noticed something. It happened yesterday. But, I was too busy to realize it. My $15 black Casio watch has died. It takes with it a lot of memories. Until I can get a new one, I have to wear my silver Fossil watch. I always feel like I'm one of those people who are trying to "bling bling" (as the kids say) when I wear it. Oh well. You'll be missed little buddy... *Sigh*

Literally Figurative

I wait for a new fire
To burn bright inside of me
Rekindling this old flame
That was burned out by brush winds sometime ago
Where will I find this fuel?
That familiar space
A desire that vanished
With the ovation of your newfound hatred
I cannot put this off
I will not hesitate
Without anything else
You never wanted to wait
Fakeness fades out memories
Bitterness burns long and continuous
Hurtfulness helps inviting feelings
But, hate keeps our hearts from healing
I respond to nothing
I ignore the resounding gloom
Assuming it’s done
One million times rerun
Flipping to the index
Reading the end is cheating
Too many times bothered
Fifty-four, I miscounted
After today is gone
The sun will not shine anymore
So as this fire, has left me cold
I blame nobody but myself because I was told

An Exposition: Driving For Discontentment

The sentiments of dissatisfaction claim lives one by one...

Not for any reason other than one’s own laziness, people will give up on something (tasks, relationships, etc) with sheer effortlessness, rather than continue on with their undertaking to see a verdict revealed. Instead of hanging on to see if victory or defeat is imminent, people will relinquish all joys, rewards, understandings, and new insights that may come with either decision, just for the easy way out.

And for what? The agony of victory? The thrill of defeat? What’s the cost of giving in to defeat and giving up on people?

When one gives up the fight before the final bell rings, they have already rendered a loss before it would have been decided. People in this life give up much too easily. There is no longer a desire for perseverance. There is no longer a desire for determination. As long as you watch out for yourself, you will be fine. Do not worry about the people you let down. Do not worry about your inability to complete a task. Do not worry about seeing a resolution through in a relationship. Do not worry about anybody else. Look out for number one and everything will be okay. This is a poor way to live your life!

The succession of effort to outcome is a necessity in our lives.

All the while, you either decide to give up or continue on the road you are running. A win or a loss is a lesson learned. But to submit before a decision is delivered is pusillanimous. One must choose to better him or herself by finishing the race; no matter if they are first or fiftieth.

Many in the world today see finality as a grave esteem—it can be fixed with time. Take care of yourself now, watch out for others later. “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.” Whatever you mess up now can be fixed later. Pleasure is viewed as the ultimate goal, no matter how high the price is. Get what you want, than worry about others. It’s the only way you can survive. This is a farce.

Travail to prevail.

You take the good with the bad in this lifetime. A decision, either way is still an outcome; no matter if it’s a win or a loss. If you hung in there, you are a better person for it. We need to be a people who focus on finishing rather than quitting. Let’s stop concerning ourselves with selfish intentions and live our lives with selfless desire.

Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon

When I grow up, I'm going to be an adult. I worked today. Yahoo! Money! Well, some at least. Got a call from my temp service the other day. Today, tomorrow, and next Tuesday through Friday, I will be a secretary for CARE (Chemical Addiction Recovery Effort) in Marianna, FL. It's a so-far, easy and kind of stressful position. When you have somebody waiting in the lobby, but you're busy trying to take a message on the phone, you've got a billion papers in your arms, and all the other lines on the phone are ringing, you start to sweat. However, I'm hoping tomorrow will go by faster than today did. I'm not complaining though, it's good to be semi-employed. Now, if I can get one of these things full time, boy would that be great. I work from 8AM-5PM, which lunch from noon to 1PM. I'm tired, I've got a headache, my body aches, and I'm hungry. Momma, I'm coming home...

Profiteer

Exploitation of life
You make it what we hear
All the things I’ve grown to hate
Everything you’ve been saying this year

Ideals and exhibitions
Grading the system for what it sees
Making paper planes to fly
A reason to spread your disease

These heresies flee
Unabridged by the uninformed
Many more will come to know
These reasons for why I’m not reformed

Tonight, I Will Sleep Alone.
But, Sleeping Alone Is Better--
Than Sleeping With Someone Who Hates You...

Yesterday and today, the hood and ghetto (my neighborhood) was subject to inspection and reexamination. My apartment had one thing wrong with it, but I now have another year’s lease. Although, I think I’m still planning on moving into Justin’s place, it's just nice to have an apartment to stay in if our plans change.

Last night I watched the movie A Mighty Wind. It’s a film by Christopher Guest, the creator of Best In Show and Waiting For Gufman. It’s a satirical look at folk music in America and of course, it was done in mocumentary fashion, like his other two films. If you like dry humor at all, you need to watch this movie (and the others for that matter). A Mighty Wind is not as funny as Best In Show, but equal to Waiting For Gufman. It’s worth watching if you need something to see while you eat your dinner. I can’t eat food and not watch TV, it’s weird. Do you guys have that problem?

I’ve been hanging out on campus today. It’s been fun. I talked to some new folk and that’s always interesting. It’s funny explaining constantly that even though I have graduated, I still live in this small town and I don’t have a job. I get weird looks, which is expected I suppose. Who knows what God’s got for me? Well, not me for one. And not you either. It's also funny to see people you used to be so close to and watch them start to fade from your memory. Sure, it's an ambigous thought, but it's true. I saw a few of those fade-awayers today. God help me to fade...

"Why you even care. Do you ever wonder why we met here? The time is 2:22 and I hope my wish comes true. And I think I'll know just when you do. And I hope I do. Maybe this is just what I need and maybe I'm wrong." The Juliana Theory, This Is Not A Love Song, from Understand The Is A Dream.

What's For Breakfast?

Nothing. Not yet. I'm stuck here in class. I'm not hungry for learnin' not this mernin'. I want some grub. I'm 'bout to have to kill some folk...
Sorry, I don't know what got into me. Oh, wait. Yeah, it must be Menace II Society. Thuggage-In, Thuggage Out! It's Jeff's fault I've been corrupted. Boy knows I only watch movies rated "G". I can see the misunderstanding...

Last night we (me, Jeff and Donna) watched that hood flick. We kept eye on the clock cause at 10 central the new episode of "Joe Schmo" would air. The movie ended just in time. "Joe Schmo" was no disappointment. That was over just in time too. We flipped down to Letterman who's first guest was John Cusack. Candid as I hoped.

Afterward we caught a summer repeat of Conan. Ironically, the topic was Schwarzenegger. Relating to a story, Conan impersonated Arnold and said, "This always happens to me. I grab girls and they get mad!!!"
This story had nothing to do with the sex charges. Those didn't become public until recently, months after this episode taped.

See, this was a night when television worked out nicely and to my enjoyment. It was as though t.v. programming was, in fact, pre-programmed and in line with some greater cosmic scheme. I was mystified to say the least.

I got to be up out here now. Breakfast calls.
"Fool, Fix me some grits!"

Happy Thanksgiving Canada

Trying to find work in Graceville is like trying to find happy black people at a KKK rally...

The wedding this weekend was really cool. It was nice to see a couple of friends, who are truly in love, tie the knot. I met some really nice people as well. Chuck, Jon's old youth pastor, married them and he was a really Godly guy. Josh, a friend of Jon's from the church was also a fun edition to the wedding party. Allison's maid of honor, Joanna, was also a really cool girl. She and I have started writing emails and she is probably one of the most honest girls I've ever met. All and all, minus all the rain, it was a really nice wedding.

In other news, I think Justin and I decided it would be better for the both of us if I moved into his apartment instead of him moving into mine. I'm finishing the paperwork for the Graceland Manor and soon, I will be in like sin. I'm excited that I can leave my house now and feel safe once again.

I think that's it for an update...

Once I had a dream and now it may come true.

Songs of Love Are Better Than Songs About Sorrow

Tonight will be the last post from me until sometime next week. I have a good friend getting married this weekend. I am lucky enough (and honored in that) to be a groomsmen in his wedding. Jon Egan is a former roommate from my sophomore year in college. His bride-to-be, Allison, is also a pretty good friend of mine. She only attended school here for one year, but in that short time I got to know her pretty well. And needless to say, but I will anyway, Jon and I are really close. So, I'm riding over with a couple (Walt & Diane) tomorrow and I'll be back on Saturday. We'll see if I can get some pictures of me in a tux up here. I'm actually taking my camera this time, so maybe it’ll happen. It doesn't happen that often, but you know, I'm vain when I have to pay $75 dollars to wear something for a few hours. So, expect me to flaunt my junk. Actually, I'll probably just end up just feeling fat and ugly about myself. So, check back to see how I let my self-consciousness overtake the little confidence I have. Until then, I'll leave you with some words that I'm thinking about. It doesn’t relate to the wedding. Just some other people I know. No, not you:

"He plead the fifth too long. Deserving to walk the plank and fall. No longer blind, the light hurts his eyes. In hopes that time will help anesthetize. Annul the hurt; the shame. That's eating him alive. He's praying more their friendship will survive. Ok, so far I'm not impressed. When does it get good? And how much time is left? No way, she can't end up with him. Did the hero die? Don't the good guys win? Don't they win? Don't they win in the end?" Craig's Brother, Masonic, From Lost At Sea.

Workin' Man's Blues

I went back to that temp place today. I got up at 4:15 AM, drove to the temp place by 5:30 AM, left the temp place by 5:45 AM, made it to Enterprise, Alabama by 6:30 Am, started working around 7:00 AM, and got off work around 2:00 PM. I got paid $45.00 bucks for my daily wage (including $9 for gas money). I got paid for 8 hours too, which was really cool considering I worked for 7 hours. Of course, I had to move 3000, 50 pound bags of grass seed with 9 other guys. We moved it out of a boxcar and onto palates. On top of that, I had to listen to a lot of the ignorant crap they were saying. I stated my opinion a few times, but I mostly kept my mouth shut and tried to get the job done. We had some slackers, so that was frustrating too. Moral of the story: I need a new job. But, hey, money is money. I need a shower!

Ain't Nothin' But A 'G' Thing Baby

And 'G' stands for groveling. That's where I'm at in life. I'm begging for work wherever I go. I know God has got something for me. I just have no clue what it is or where it's at. In my most recent move toward employment, I got several things accomplished yesterday. I went by Kelly Services and filled out a butt load of paperwork. They find you temporary worker jobs and sometimes they can get you directly hired to a company. I also went another temp place and it's not as nice as Kelly. This other place (I don't want to talk crap about them because I need money) I went to is a little bit above the slave trade. Basically, you go work for them and get paid for that day. People call this service, say they need work done, and the service sends people out to the job sites. This seems like a good idea. Of course they only pay $5.15 an hour. They also take out taxes (which sucks if you live in Florida because it's in Alabama and they have a lot). And you can not take a job with a customer of theirs until you put in at least 6 weeks or 300 hours (something ridiculous like that) for their company first. And on top of that, you have to be there at 5:30 AM, which I was this morning. I got up at 4:15 AM and drove the 45 minute ride. However, if there isn't enough work to go around, there is a chance that you don't get to work that day, like me this morning. I sat there from 5:30 AM to about 8:00 AM and I didn’t get paid a dime. However, I have been at my aunt’s house for many hours, yesterday and today. I got fed well. So, what’s the moral of the story? I don't know. It's an experience I needed to do and I'm going to do it tomorrow because the lady said there will be work. Plus, thirty bucks is thirty bucks. I was mooching off of Donna's internet for the past while. She finally canceled it, so I'm back to resorting to borrowing the computer lab's internet. These conventional methods are maddening...

"When I grow up to be a man, will I dig the same things that turned me on as a kid? Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did? Will I joke around and still be able to take both sides? When I grow up to be a man will I look for the same things in a woman that I dig in a girl? Will I settle down fast or will I first wanna travel the world? Now I'm young and free... But how will it be when I grow up to be a man?" The Beach Boys, When I Grow Up (To Be a Man), from The Beach Boys Today!

Only By The Grace of God Go I

I cannot express these feelings
Pushed aside by what my heart contends
Refraining from flaming down
Waving without you seeing me frown
Aspects of life that I have missed
Desired for a better standard of living
Chemically dependent on anything chance
This bitterness becoming my new romance
Awful tendencies to reveal my thoughts
Telling the truth to hurt my own case
Agencies looking to kill my freedom
Pleading insanity proves I am guilty
Stealing ideas from other people
Plagiarizing as a form of breathing
Ripping off their identity
Borrowing climatic moments to enjoy this
Recovered stolen pieces of bliss
Coping with pain for others
Every day growing a little more worried in this
Finished; my life is no more
It was once a shiny new star
On a blank board
I'm too tired to care

Computer Club, Computer Club

Remember that Pauly Shore movie Encino Man? It was great. So, I'm in the lab at my ol' alma mater, just trying to pass some time. My friend Julie is sitting next to me. I'm going to try to convince her to come to the site right now. We'll see if putting her name on the internet will make her want to remember to keep folded up pieces of paper with our site's address on it :)

"Lying idle in my room telling my thoughts to the moon: why do I always feel so unimportant? To other egos my mind clings and inside these voices ring that I'm just a carbon copy of everyone else. And now I'm searching out my own identity. Something down inside telling me that I'm like no one else but me. But as of yet I still don't know. Who is this guy that I am and for his life what does he have to show? Who am I? What am I for?" Craig's Brother, Who Am I, from the album, Homecoming.

Two Can Play That Game

Instead of going out like Napster, Kazaa fights back!

I found this article through Relevant's newsletter—Kazaa turns tables on record labels, from MSNBC.

Apparently, Kazaa (Sharman Networks Ltd.) is now suing a few entertainment groups for, get this, copyright infringement. Basically, mimicking the exact castigation the Record Industry Association of America has been laying on Kazaa's P-2-P users for months.

"Sharman said the companies used Kazaa Lite, an ad-less replica of its software, to get onto the network. The lawsuit also claims efforts to combat piracy on Kazaa violated terms for using the network."

The reasoning behind the RIAA? To play dirty? Hardly. It's to be in pursuit of those people (or thieves?) who’ve been file swapping media via their computers. Now that these music and movie companies are getting it back, it doesn't seem like such a fun game to start? Yet, the industry doesn't think too highly of Kazaa's attempt to re-screw the companies:

"The Recording Industry Association of America called Sharman’s 'newfound admiration for the importance of copyright law' ironic and 'self-serving.'"

Which is a really good point, isn't it? If Kazaa has been furnishing an outlet capable of enabling everyday folk to generate acts of piracy with such neophyte ease, why would they go and try to piss off the RIAA even more? Fans of the service think the lawsuit is great, but doesn't it seem like The Man will go after Kazaa even harder?

You know that Napster will eventually be around again (you'll just have to pay this time). Thus, Kazaa might only end up having to pay some fines and could still operate and maintain their software, if they would be sensible. But, now because of this lawsuit, I would suppose that receptivity is not a trait of theirs. It seems like Kazaa is just digging themselves into a deeper hole than they were already in. And the RIAA wants to bury them in that hole, permanently!

Read the whole story here @ MSNBC News.