The Dreaded Etnies Box

This is incoherent and unstructured, but the truest sentiments of my heart.

I embarked on a project tonight. It was an activity I had been saving for sometime. This venture was to clean out a shoe box full of important documents, keepsakes, letters, notes, and nostalgia (hard to believe it could all fit into a small box). I had been holding onto and collecting this stuff for close to ten years. I finally decided to clean it out, as I am in preparation for another move (the biggest one ever) and of course what better time to do it than when I have other, more pressing matters to take care of. Regardless of all that, I did it tonight. I'm happy. I sorted out the important stuff (and put it in a file thing, which I am yet to have actually organized), threw away old things, and kept a lot of the sentimental stuff I had been holding onto. Thus the inspiration for a post about feelings.

During this duration of time, I put myself into the shoes of my life back in high school and brought myself back to the early college years. Man, I was a cool guy. Wow! Those little notes I wrote in church and school, the letters I got in high school, and the stuff I got in college. I've kept it all. If you are a girl reading this and you think about something you once wrote me or gave me, chances are, it's in the box. During these last few precious no work or school seconds I had elapsing, I trotted throughout the box to reread some notes I hadn't seen in forever and a day. You'd be surprised. I have a lot of the encouraging letters I've gotten. I also got a bunch of the "friend-breaking-up" letters. No worries though, it didn't bother me either way. If you want to know what you wrote, if you did in fact write me either one of those possible outcomes to a friendship, just ask and I won't hesitate to oblige in reading it to you because they are nice, funny, and sometimes incredibly mean. But, one batch of notes really stood out to me tonight.

You see, one of the real girlfriends I've ever had, who wasn't just a makeout friend, is a gal by the name of Tara Howard (changed now to protect the innocent--and the fact that she's married). I dated her my senior year of high school. I think I can say I loved her, like close to being in love, as much as an eighteen year old is permitted. I did, I did love her. I told her. We told each other. Although I can remember the night I said it for the first time and how I felt like I was lying because she was saying it and I didn't want to be mean. But besides that, I did come to love her more than as a normal friend would. And you know, since we were dating, it turned out good. Except for when she started getting on my nerves two months later and I dumped her. Yeah, what a jerk. Well, maybe not totally.

As I was going through these notes, I saw one where she wrote, [paraphrased] "I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you." Now, I don't know what my reaction was to that statement then, but it sure as heck freaked me out reading it tonight and that was seven years ago. So, maybe subconsciously, I broke up with her because at the time I didn't think I wanted to be with her forever. Now as the wear and wane of adulthood have haunted me for a year, I sort of just want a girl that will want to share her forever with me. Maybe.

I suppose that is really all this is. Infatuation with one of the girls who genuinely loved me and appreciated me. I hope this doesn't come off as some random love post. The feelings I am currently experiencing are that of something I haven't felt in a while and it sure would be a shame if all I had to chalk it up to was a severe case of nostalgia. The weird thing about all this nonsense is that I have been feeling this way about her for sometime now. Matter of fact, a few months ago, I tried calling her old cell phone number to see how she was doing. Now, there are many fold for why I wanted to contact her. Knowing she is married would extinguish any ideas of admitting that I wish we could give things another try. I just really wanted to talk to her, as we both have considered each other great friends since high school. I went to her wedding for goodness sakes! But when I called, I got her Dad and he told me that she and her husband moved to Canada. I'm sure this is a High Fidelity moment, but what in the world?!?! Canada! I guess it was never meant to be.

I can't help going back to the notion that I gave her up. She was mine and I let some other dude (who's really a nice guy) have her. I don't know if there is only one person for everybody. The whole "one" idea is a silly western ideology based on romanticism and sappy movies. But maybe not. Who knows? God. Yeah. Just Him. And in the wondering, will I wander until I have found her? Have all those flings been speed bumps in the road? Or could they have possibly been significant outcomes to relationships that could have lasted?

Anyway, Tara Howard if you ever come across this, please get in touch with me. If you are divorced and looking for me, man... wouldn't that be great. But, if you are happily married and have ten kids, well... I'll still be happy for you. And it would be great to know what life is like for you.

To the devoted who made their way down this far. Thanks. It's not often I can expound upon a simple feeling into such a long rant. I love you, but only as friends...