For The Concerned

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am back here in New Orleans. It is now officially my home. No more home in the hood to go back to. Sigh. I kinda miss it. Oh well.

"So Here We Are, Sitting Miles Apart"

I have to finish reading for my Instructional Theory and Practice class, but I just wanted to inform all of the northwest Floridians that I'll be back in Graceville this weekend. I have to finish cleaning up my apartment, grab some stuff, and move out. If you live in the area and need some stuff, believe me, you want the rest of my junk. I have a small fridge, a window a/c unit, a dresser, a full size bed with frame and head board, and a multitudinous amount of appliances. I will also be needing to give away a bunch of crap too. Stop by or get in contact with me.

Peace.

Exempli Gratia

How gay could this possibly make me?

(I'm not, for the record.)

I'm real excited about the new season of American Idol. I missed last week, so I'm going to make sure to watch tonight. My roommate teaches some computer classes, so I have the room to myself until 11PM. I'm going to get some pizza and soda and watch the world try out for embarrassment.

I hated this show for the longest time and I still do to some extent. I really only like the auditions because they are truly the funniest parts. Simon is so pretentious, I just want to gag when I hear him tell someone they have no talent. Why should he begin to assume he knows what talent is? He's a producer, that's it. He knows how to make a record so it will sell. He knows how to make an album (or singer) sound clean and pretty. That's not talent, that's capitalism; it's marketing (i.e. for profit, not art). I guess I'm being too hard on him because music production is a hard trade to learn. I guess I just don't like his ego. But, his wit, cynicism, and impeccable ability to make everyone feel like crap are quite humorous.

"Without virtue there can be no liberty." - Benjamin Rush

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

As A General Rule

It's often said, you live and you learn. But I'm not so sure. The monotony of your day-to-day experience usually supersedes the fun and exciting things you typically look forward to. And now, as I took it upon myself to infringe against this unconditional rule, I will be up late reading for my ethics class because I put it off until now. Neat...

Not, Neither, or Nor

Greetings from The Big Easy! My first post from my new home (for the next few years anyway). As I was arriving here on late Sunday afternoon I had a feeling of urgency. But, when I actually was driving on these Nawlins' streets, I had a different feeling. Despite all my complaining about my previous pithy town, I missed it quite a bit when I saw the size of this conglomeration of a perish (Louisiana doesn't have counties, it has perishes). But I'm here and off to a great start. I moved into my dorm room with only minimal trouble Sunday night. I participated into new graduate student orientation all day Monday. However, I was informed that I had to move to the upstairs floor of my dorm because I didn't have a roommate and I would be charged double for a private room. (The student the Housing Office put me to room with did not show up.) So, I met Blaize. He's my roommie. He's real cool. We're a lot alike in some aspects, so I think it will work out quite well. Plus, its nice to not be alone (I was wrong Chase ). After my move upstairs, I finally getting settled now. Tuesday I registered for classes and paid my first charges. I'm taking 13 hours. Quite a thrill. I'm totally reliant upon God now because the money I saved is dwindling fast. Another good thing here is they only have a few classes on Mondays, so we usually tend to get them off. I'll be free until I get a job. Today was the first day of classes It went well. Four classes already and only two 10-page papers. Alright, I got a lot of stuff to do still. My room is still in shambles and I need to get organized. Thanks for caring and the emails. Keep 'em coming! Bye. In case you care, here is my schedule:

CERW6270 - Total Wellness and the Minister -W,F- 9:00 am - 9:50 am
CEAM6225 - Strategic Church Develop thru CE -W,F- 11:30 am - 12:20 pm
CEAM6213 - Servant Leadership - Wed, Fri / 1:00 pm - 1:50 pm
CEAM5119 - Directives in Christian Education (CE) -W- 2:30 pm - 3:20 pm
ETHC5300 - Introduction to Christian Ethics -T,Th- 8:30 am - 9:50 am
CEEF6203 - Instructional Theory and Practice -T,Th- 1:00 pm - 1:50 pm
COOP1001 - NOBTS, SBC, and the Cooperative Program (I did this in orientation and it counts for 1 hour credit; it's required for every degree)

Tomorrow Only Knows

In efforts to delay the rest of packing, I decided to blog. I leave today, but I got to come back and to finish moving and cleaning up at the end of the month. I wanted to get rid of a bunch of books that I had got for free, so I went to Downtown Books in Chipley and traded the lady for $76.00 worth of store credit. The deal is, you use half store credit and half cash. But, I was talking to her about the move and she cut me a deal because I'm leaving. So we split it and I got about 40 bucks worth. Here are the reasons why I'm going to be up all night:

A Reader's Guide to T.S. Eliot by George Williamson
Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion ed. by Norman Smith
Great Dialogues of Plato by Plato (translated by W.H.D. Rouse)
Inferno by Dante Alighieri (translated by John Ciardi)
Masterpieces of World Philosophy in Summary by Frank Magill
The Last Days of Socrates by Plato (tran. by Hugh Tredennick)
The Oxford guide to the English language
Wiseguy by Nicholas Pileggi

What Did I Say?

I feel blind
From time to time
And I can't stop...
Feeling for my next breath
Another thought;
Will I be alive to be 25?
Or will I die young
A victim to circumvent
The wrong time and place circumstance
Just another fling for life to boast
Knowing I have purpose
I see my life through the fog
If it would only get lighter
But the sun is gone
She turned her stars away too
Just like the back of a friend
The side you never saw of him
And maybe I screwed up
Certainly I count the weight
The strain I assisted in
Expecting more and getting less—
It's something more infuriating
Getting used to what I have to
God mend this torn up brokenness
I sleep tonight
Not guaranteed anything
Oh how wonderful it is
To look forward to nothing

Momma, I Did The Family Name Well! (Scroll Down.)



I found this out earlier in the week, but I thought it would be nice to post-

Dear Mr. Watkins:

Your application for admission to New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary has been approved. This approval is for work toward the Master of Arts in Christian Education degree and is for course work beginning January 2005.

Sigh. Finally. Now I gotta pack. I wanted to get the banner in too...

The Dreaded Etnies Box

This is incoherent and unstructured, but the truest sentiments of my heart.

I embarked on a project tonight. It was an activity I had been saving for sometime. This venture was to clean out a shoe box full of important documents, keepsakes, letters, notes, and nostalgia (hard to believe it could all fit into a small box). I had been holding onto and collecting this stuff for close to ten years. I finally decided to clean it out, as I am in preparation for another move (the biggest one ever) and of course what better time to do it than when I have other, more pressing matters to take care of. Regardless of all that, I did it tonight. I'm happy. I sorted out the important stuff (and put it in a file thing, which I am yet to have actually organized), threw away old things, and kept a lot of the sentimental stuff I had been holding onto. Thus the inspiration for a post about feelings.

During this duration of time, I put myself into the shoes of my life back in high school and brought myself back to the early college years. Man, I was a cool guy. Wow! Those little notes I wrote in church and school, the letters I got in high school, and the stuff I got in college. I've kept it all. If you are a girl reading this and you think about something you once wrote me or gave me, chances are, it's in the box. During these last few precious no work or school seconds I had elapsing, I trotted throughout the box to reread some notes I hadn't seen in forever and a day. You'd be surprised. I have a lot of the encouraging letters I've gotten. I also got a bunch of the "friend-breaking-up" letters. No worries though, it didn't bother me either way. If you want to know what you wrote, if you did in fact write me either one of those possible outcomes to a friendship, just ask and I won't hesitate to oblige in reading it to you because they are nice, funny, and sometimes incredibly mean. But, one batch of notes really stood out to me tonight.

You see, one of the real girlfriends I've ever had, who wasn't just a makeout friend, is a gal by the name of Tara Howard (changed now to protect the innocent--and the fact that she's married). I dated her my senior year of high school. I think I can say I loved her, like close to being in love, as much as an eighteen year old is permitted. I did, I did love her. I told her. We told each other. Although I can remember the night I said it for the first time and how I felt like I was lying because she was saying it and I didn't want to be mean. But besides that, I did come to love her more than as a normal friend would. And you know, since we were dating, it turned out good. Except for when she started getting on my nerves two months later and I dumped her. Yeah, what a jerk. Well, maybe not totally.

As I was going through these notes, I saw one where she wrote, [paraphrased] "I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you." Now, I don't know what my reaction was to that statement then, but it sure as heck freaked me out reading it tonight and that was seven years ago. So, maybe subconsciously, I broke up with her because at the time I didn't think I wanted to be with her forever. Now as the wear and wane of adulthood have haunted me for a year, I sort of just want a girl that will want to share her forever with me. Maybe.

I suppose that is really all this is. Infatuation with one of the girls who genuinely loved me and appreciated me. I hope this doesn't come off as some random love post. The feelings I am currently experiencing are that of something I haven't felt in a while and it sure would be a shame if all I had to chalk it up to was a severe case of nostalgia. The weird thing about all this nonsense is that I have been feeling this way about her for sometime now. Matter of fact, a few months ago, I tried calling her old cell phone number to see how she was doing. Now, there are many fold for why I wanted to contact her. Knowing she is married would extinguish any ideas of admitting that I wish we could give things another try. I just really wanted to talk to her, as we both have considered each other great friends since high school. I went to her wedding for goodness sakes! But when I called, I got her Dad and he told me that she and her husband moved to Canada. I'm sure this is a High Fidelity moment, but what in the world?!?! Canada! I guess it was never meant to be.

I can't help going back to the notion that I gave her up. She was mine and I let some other dude (who's really a nice guy) have her. I don't know if there is only one person for everybody. The whole "one" idea is a silly western ideology based on romanticism and sappy movies. But maybe not. Who knows? God. Yeah. Just Him. And in the wondering, will I wander until I have found her? Have all those flings been speed bumps in the road? Or could they have possibly been significant outcomes to relationships that could have lasted?

Anyway, Tara Howard if you ever come across this, please get in touch with me. If you are divorced and looking for me, man... wouldn't that be great. But, if you are happily married and have ten kids, well... I'll still be happy for you. And it would be great to know what life is like for you.

To the devoted who made their way down this far. Thanks. It's not often I can expound upon a simple feeling into such a long rant. I love you, but only as friends...

I Remember One Thing and Forget Another

In preparation to move I am sitting up late, having done none of the things I needed to do. However, it was sometime around this time of year a few years ago that To Whom started. Being that it is 2005, that would remind us that To Whom It May Concern has a birthday this month. We are starting on our 4th year here. It's hard to believe that this site, in some form or another, has been getting written on for the past 3 years (sometimes consistently too). It's been a thrill for me personally and I wouldn't be who I am without it, seriously! Thanks to all those who have contributed, whether it be writing, reading, or commenting. I (we) love you.

Also, I have some stuff on eBay. Help start graduate school off right for me:

A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament - Bauer, Arndt, Gingrich

Medium "Boy Bands Suck" T-Shirt

10 Christian Fiction Books - used/new- Janette Oke

5 Norman Vincent Peale Books (1 signed)

Thanks for looking and especially, for reading...

I Don't Care For Cantankerous Humor

Chase and Donna Livingston are on their honeymoon. The wedding was quite nice. The weekend was crazy in Tennessee. We didn't get much sleep there. Jed, Chase, Steve (Chase's brother-in-law), and myself went to Memphis for Chase's bachelor party. It was fun. We saw some stuff. We ate at Waffle House when we got back to Jackson. I guess in typical terms of what a bachelor party is supposed to be, ours was boring. However, we knew how to have fun, and it wasn't at the expensive of sobriety. The ceremony was really nice and it went off without a hitch. I enjoyed myself and I didn't do anything embarrassing. On the way home Jed, Stephanie, and I got a little lost. We missed a bypass and headed east for a couple extra hours, making our trip last a lot longer than it should have. Jed drove back most of the way because I was so tired. He took good care of my car. Okay, that's 'bout it. Lots to do this week. More later.

i.miss.you

We're Here

We got to Tenn. last night. It took so freakin' long. Now were going back up to the church to help set stuff up. Fun! Chase and Donna get married tomorrow. But tonight, the bachelor party!

Staring At The sun

Well, I've done a bunch of stuff since yesterday. I got a new rim for my car, had it mounted and put on. I also had to go by the hospital to get a copy of the last time I had a tetanus shot. Today, I got a MMR shot (measles, mumps, and rubella) from the Houston Country Health Department in Alabama for 4.00. Florida health departments wanted $35.00. Whatever. I then went by Laurel Oaks to get a copy of my last TB test. Then I had to go to the college I attended to fax it all. I still have a bunch of stuff I want to list on eBay tonight. We're leaving for Tennessee tomorrow. Jed is either coming into town tonight or early tomorrow, but I don't know; nor do I know if Stephanie Herres knows when we're leaving. Sheesh. So much to do. I called NOBTS and they got my last recommendation and all of the stuff I faxed. The lady said she would submit it to the Admission Board and it usually takes 2 days to hear something, then they'll send me a letter. I'm excited and still a bit nervous. It's getting awfully close. Nervous of what? I'm not sure myself. All I know is I want to go there and I want do it now. I would be lying if I said I didn't think it was God's will. But I've been known to get it wrong before. Anyway, I'm getting happy about the trip. Look:

A ghost of a chance: My return to To Whom

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?Got engaged
Graduated college
Delivered phone books
Planned a wedding
Worked at Baskin-Robbins
Got on full-time at a job I like ( Books-a-MILLION)
killed some guys
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?Not exactly. I had resolved to quit cussing. I made it through most of the year quite successfully, my usage getting down to a few accidentals as opposed to every other word...however, round about October I got out of control and I quit counting.
I suppose I'll keep working on that this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Relationally or Geographically? I'm sure someone in town recieved a new tax credit but no one I'm related to.
4. Did anyone close to you die?My uncle Steve died after being in a coma for 8 months; this coma was the result of a car accident in February. I think I cried more and more openly at this funeral than any I've ever been to.
5. What countries did you visit?Only on the world wide web.6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?A job with a decent annual salary, a 401k, insurance and retirement.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?January 9th because that is when I got engaged.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Technically, graduating college beats getting engaged because I think we knew we'd get married sometime last year. But then getting a full time job was probably harder for me.
9. What was your biggest failure?Not taking better care of my records and cds or not finishing my favorite songs list. Seriously, though my biggest failure is for sure something spiritual.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?I got the flu and suffered a boss who didn't understand the concept of 'too poor to see a doctor' and was promptly fired.
11. What was the best thing you bought?Records.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?Donna's. Were it not for her, I would not have graduated.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?I plead the fifth on one hand, on the other I'll answer...everyone behind this vast LEFT-Wing conspiracy to undermine the American way.
14. Where did most of your money go?The wedding and records.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?Getting married and of course, records..
16. what song will always remind you of 2004?
The Fleecing by Pedro the Lion
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?Happier, yeah, but I think I'm chemically depressed.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?Been concerned about God and Donna
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?skipping church
20. How will you be spending did you spend Christmas?
We had a white Christmas with Donna's family in Tennesee. I had four days off of work
20. How will you be spending New Years?Helping Donna move into this apartment and then taking a break around midnight to go to Waffle House.
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?Yeah..and the thing I hate most is it's kind of like missing the bottom step on a set of stairs...you trip, you fall over, people laugh, you get a concussion. But I like it anyway so there.
23. How many one-night stands?This survey is filled of awkward questions, but no.
24. What was your favorite TV program?Family Guy
25.Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?I hate you, I guess that's new.
26. What was the best book you read?I thought once I graduated I would read more but I haven't. There you have it, one more failure for the list. I did however, on occassion read the Bible...and on break at work I took to reading many books...one was Nick Hornby's Songbook. Oh I almost forgot...The All Music Guide to Rock....cover to cover...with lots of highlighting.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?I fell in love with The Ramones and Nat King Cole, like never before.
28. What did you want and got?Records and food.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind...and Saved! is a close second.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?Donna took me to lunch at Applebee's. And we went somewhere after that. I was 23 and remain so.
32. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?Having more time to listen to records.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?Proudly, I was without fashion.
34. What kept you sane?Poppies and getting the right amount of seratonin each day..but then that's assuming I was sane, I wasn't all the time that's for sure. Oh yeah and records.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?The president.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?The election
37. Who did you miss?Friends who have moved away. Their absence made me real sad a lot of days.
38. Who was the best new person you met?Ms. Connie
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.It's better to be wrong and have an honest emotional reaction than to fake understanding.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Who shall I blame for this sweet and heavy trouble, for every stupid struggle? I don't know. I could buy you a drink. I could tell you all about it. I could tell you why I doubt it and why I still believe but I can't say it like I sing it and I can't sing it like I think it and I can't think it like I feel it and I don't feel a thing." The Fleecing, Pedro the Lion

Formal--Funeral

Okay, I'm in a bit of a tissy. I'm supposed to move to New Orleans next Saturday or Sunday. I have orientation on Monday. Classes start on Wednesday. The only thing is, I still don't know if I'm accepted. I'm also nowhere near close to being moved out of my apartment. That is not so bad. I can still tell them I'll be out by the end of the month and come back and finish cleaning. But, it's all just so close. I wrote the admission office on Sunday night and have not heard back from them yet. I guess I gotta call them today. Please pray for me that I trust God and don't worry. And praying that this gets done soon would help too. Thanks.

Since You Don't Like To Comment

I got this from the gang over at DYL:

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Worked full time for a whole year in a psychiatric and behavioral hospital.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't recall what my resolution(s) were last year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Johnny Cash?

5. What countries did you visit?
No.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Money? Job? Experience? Love?

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
December 17th, the last day at Laurel Oaks.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Paying off some debt.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hurting friends.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I'm still sick from like a month ago!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The Panasonic CD player I got for my car.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine. I did a lot of good.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine. I did a lot of bad.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, surprisingly.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Starting graduate school.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Modest Mouse- "Ocean Breathes Salty"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
Happier!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Read. Pray. Love.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Concern myself with the mundane, meaningless, and self-centered issues of life.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my folks in Melbourne, Florida.

20. How will you be spending New Years?
With my folks in Melbourne, Florida.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Maybe.

23. How many one-night stands?
A couple, actually, but no love was had.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Conan O'Brien

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
Didn't read a whole book this year, sheesh.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
University.

28. What did you want and got?
Car CD player. A fake PDA organizer. Money?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Saved!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Worked, then drove 7 hours. 24.

32. What is one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less sin?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
I bought some trendy jeans.

34. What kept you sane?
GOD! Friends.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Lisa Kudrow.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The dang election.

37. Who did you miss?
Tara Howard.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Drew.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Hum...

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The New Year by Death Cab For Cutie

"So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogues bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
So I could travel just by folding the map
No more airplanes or speed-trains or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back"