The Graveyard Shift

As it now seems, September 12th, 2002 is just an ordinary day. Even at 3:38 AM, today is new, but in progress. Even though most of everyone isn't enjoying these early hours, I stay awake with thoughts on my mind. That is how yesterday, this time last year, started out for everyone else. The memorial of the greatest tragedy in American history is over. Some emphasize with the pain and suffering and take the whole day into contemplation and reflect on the blessings and joys of being alive. Some people expel pessimism in their thoughts and rebel against remembrance. Simply citing the desire to move and get on with life. As many times in my life, I sit still in the middle of the road. I recognize that this cowardly attack of assault is the most horrific imagine of inhumane acts upon my generation. Not so many lives have been lost since the Battle of Gettysburg during the War Between the States (Civil War). I also realize that God has a purpose and a plan for my life, or else he would have taken it by now. For he is the only source of life. With that being said, I feel I have a need to comment on the comment(s) that were made at or to my prior post.

I want to sit in silence and just ignore this, but my conscience won’t let me. No matter what I say, someone will get hurt by it. No matter what I say, someone will feel that they didn't get the full apology or even a portion of the apology that they so rightfully deserve. No matter what I say, someone will disagree. No matter what I say, someone will agree. No matter what I talk about or try to explain, it won't come out right because it never does. I am totally inadequate to speak on the matters of my life because I don't even have a clue what's going on sometimes. All I know is, I'm tired of having this same old conversation. It's an endless, depthless, vicious circle of apathy. I'm sick and tired of it. How about taking everyday to be grateful for being alive? How about not being bummed out about the opposite sex everyday? Is it ever possible to totally live in harmony with everyone? Doesn't the Bible tell us that if it is at all possible, live in peace with everyone? I don't see how I could be doing this with 11 comments on a stupid song that made me feel better Monday night. Most or none of you have a clue as to what is going on in my head or heart right now. All you do is use your presuppositions to base your biases or judgments on. You didn't ask me what was up or even how my day was going. And if you asked, did you actually care how it was going? And for the few that know, I'm sorry if you don't understand where I'm coming from. I'm right there with you. I'm not singling anybody out or saying this to anybody specifically, it's to anybody I know. I don't ask that you look at me and say, "There's a guy who has got it all figured out." Because there is no way that I could honestly imply that. All I say is that you look at your own heart and ask God to reveal the things that are hindering your walk with Him. Worry about yourself before you start diagnosing me. If you read this site because you generally care what Justin, Chase, and myself think, thank you. If you read this site because you like to laugh at the things we say, thank you. If you read this site because you think it’s some of the most irrelevant dribble, thank you. If you read this site because it's informative, I'd call you a liar. Not really. But, if you read this site for any other reason, you are wasting your time. I have turned this into my life story. But, isn’t that what web blogs are for? It’s for your own usage. To Whom It May Concern has turned into an outlet for what three guys are going through and what we think. My accounts are as I feel. They are my opinions and solely that. They don't express sentiments of what I know, think I know, or like to know; just the way that I feel. I use this as an outlet to vent my frustrations because writing takes away the pain of life easier. Do you read your old journal entries aloud or tell everyone all the things you've ever felt in private? Maybe you should. Maybe it will make you feel better about the person you are or how God has brought you through the trails and tribulations of your life. So, maybe I have something figured out. Maybe I'm willing to be honest enough with people so they know who I am. I do it so those few who claim to be my friends will know me for me. I try not to wear a disguise and camouflage what’s going on. But, I even know that I mess that up. I don't say this to boast. I say it so maybe you can look at yourself and figure out how to get the most out of your walk with God. Like Paul said, I am chief among sinners. Take this to heart or take it the toilet, I'm just trying to be honest with you. Just know, I could get through life with it being just God and I, fine. For he sustains me, not anyone else. If I have to leave here alone, so be it. My salvation and joy comes in Jesus Christ and nothing else. I'm sorry to anyone I've hurt. I'm sorry to God mostly because I lie to Him, in spite of myself. Yet he is faithful and just to forgive me my sins and cleanse me from my unrighteousness. That’s joy, that’s a reason to be alive. So I say, goodnight...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24