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Jeff Watkins
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Shewww... now that I'm past that
1,000 Posts and Counting: To Whom It May Concern
Alright, alright...
Ode To Four Days
The Car [Thrice]
RE: Altima
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Monday, February 20, 2006

Some Words

"Wouldn't it be so wonderful if everything were meaningless?" - Pedro The Lion

There is a fine line between diary and thought. There is also a fine line between a post that talks about my personal life and a post that is personally a thought about my life. The latter is what I'm striving for here.

Since my grandiose entry about 1,000 posts, I have been really hesitant to write. I can write, but I don't mean like as a writer writes. I write well for, well me. I can convey feelings in an understandable and sometimes entertaining way. That's not to say that I don't have grammatical errors. I do. Nor is it to say that I misuse or overuse prepositional phrases (which ever applies, I'm not really sure). For me, to say I can write is not a lie or a boast. It's a fact. I can write well for Jeff Watkins. But maybe that's the problem.

Besides my whole self-imposed relativism there, I am trying to make a point. The point isn't about writing. Writing is symbolic for joy there. "What the hell?" Might you be inquiring? Joy. That's it. Joy.

How did I go from talking about my abilities as a writer to talking about joy? Easy. I just did it. That's the point. In writing, you can do it. I can be symbolic, metaphoric, or even literal. I can do all these things in writing and talk about whatever I want. So why isn't life this way.

Why can't I say and believe that I'm a Christian, and still yet, not find joy. Why can't I lie, cheat, lust, screw, cuss, drink, smoke, swear, hit, punch, kick, dismantle, retort, et cetera and not be joyful?

Isn't there an easier way?

To end a thought with an escapist-esque question like the previous one would be complete crap. I know there is an easier way. I just don't know how to get there.

I can be a Christian and do all those things. And the truth of it is, some of those things are not sins. The obvious ones are. But the others are not. More like, they are means to a possible end that is drenched in sin. But the in between, no it's not a sin. Again, I'm running off my point.

I have no joy now. I have temporal happiness, but that usually comes when I purchase something that I've wanted for a while or makeout with a girl. We all know joy and happiness are not the same. Joy is not an emotion, it's a state; an understood place. Emotive actions that only lead to a "feeling" inside is happiness. Happiness is an expression of a feeling just like being sad is. I don't want happiness. I want joy.

I want to love life and love love. I want these things. Why do I keep running into problems? Probably sin. Matter of fact. That's it.

Trust me, I could go out tonight, get "laid" or whatever socially acceptable euphuism is currently the trend, and feel pretty damn fine. But, what will I feel later on? When lust escapes and my manhood happiness goes away, where is the satisfaction? Where is the knowledge of understanding that my purpose for being here amounts to more than forty chapters in one book or a pop culture show that tells us who is cool and who is not?

This is not a rant about media. It's a rant about me. Take it for what it's worth. Probably nothing but rubbish, as is most of my life.

Lord, help me to not lead a life that is filled with happiness, but with joy.

"But everything is so meaningful. And most everything turns to shit. Rejoice" - Pedro The Lion

posted by Jeff Watkins at 7:06 PM


Blogger notreallycreative said...

I like you, Jeff Watkins, you're a pretty cool guy.

11:30 PM  
Anonymous ~*Mickie*~ said...

it's strange to hear the echoes of my own thoughts in the writings and ramblings of someone else...

the temporal moments of happiness you describe are the tiny glimmers i have been clinging to for months now... and they have ruined me. i am definitely worse-off for these indulgences, though for some idiotic reason i don't want to stop... i can't stop... at least the temporal happiness is attainable. true joy? i don't know if i can give up enough of my own "control" over my life and my choices and just trust god to pick up where i leave off... i just don't know how...

i am sorry you seem to be stuck in limbo in a torturous place similar to that of my own dwelling, but it is good that you do not succumb to the temptations of this world as much as i do... i know you are the better for it...

thank you for sharing your thoughts in these entries... and i wish you the best of luck in your quest for joy... i am certain you are much more likely to attain than i am...


9:14 PM  
Blogger Jeff Watkins said...

"but it is good that you do not succumb to the temptations of this world as much as i do"

Mickie, you have no idea what I do behind closed doors, or open ones, for that matter. I'm not trying to say I'm worse, but it's not about that. God's grace is sufficient if you let it. You know how you let it, acknowledge it. Repent, ask for forgiveness, and change. Anything is possible with God.

9:38 PM  
Anonymous ~*Mickie*~ said...

i am sorry for causing trouble with my comment... when i said you aren't as bad as me with giving into temptations, it was because you were talking about "going out and getting laid tonight" in the theoretical sense, whereas i put that idea into practice about once a week just to forget about my problems for a fleeting moment... THAT is why i was saying you were "better off" than me... I did not mean to put you on a pedestal or assume things i do not know about your "open or closed door" life.

sorry about all that, jeff. i won't bug you again.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Thais said...

i think joy has to do with dreams & purpose.
are you living out your dreams? are you surrounded by people who make you feel alive and meaningul and purposeful?
if not, what's stopping you from that?

3:38 PM  

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