Dying To Thyself

A few things:

1. While at home, I've been seriously busy. I'm not doing too much, but I seem to be running around at incredible rates.

2. I went to church today for the first time in a long while. It was nice to learn again. I always get home, go to Sunday school, and think I know everything. Then, God smacks me and realize, I know nothing.

3. Tonight, my Mom, Brother, and I were getting groceries in Wal-Mart. My brother had a seizure in the electronic department. We heard information paged over the intercom. We had to run over there seeing him lie in the aisle. That's the most frightened and scared I've been in a while. Praise God he's okay.

4. I've been eating out a lot with my folks. I love it. I never get to eat out as much as I do when I am home.

All My Loves Hail From Brevard County

I'm at my folks house for a few days. No trip home would be complete without a lecture/session-of-admonishments from my Father. However, I say we resolved this one better than previous times. My Mom is great as always. I'm so tired now. I guess driving all night will do that. I made the trip in 6 hours and I wasn't even nodding off. I should sleep good tonight. Oh, I finally got a new email address (finally). For all those who care it's jeffyjeff[at]gmail[dot]com. Please update your address books or even better, write me an actual email. Bone, thugs, and harmony...

They Say It's Your Birthday

Today, I turn 24. Not that big of a deal. I have to work. The true sign of growing up: when you have to work on your birthday. But, then I get four days off in a row! I'm driving home after work tonight to visit my parents. It's like a 6 hour drive and I won't be leaving any earlier than 10:00 PM, so remember as your falling asleep tonight, so maybe I won't fall asleep...

Picturing Jeff in a Kiddie Pool

Most things I could say right now aren't worth to me the number of words they'd cost. See what I mean? Maybe I lack eloquence. Maybe you lack an attention span. Maybe we all need therapy. Since the advent of my new blog I now must ask anew the 65 dollar question: Which site do I write what for? Every now and then I think about quitting this gig. Sometimes I consider dropping everything else to devote my full attention to this webspace. Every now and then, much more often than I factually consider it, I joke with Jeff that I'm quitting To Whom. He gasps for breathe and begs me to say it ain't so. "Are you serious?" "No." "I knew that."

At this very moment I got my head in this laptop typing tirelessly away listening ever so intently to the new Wilco album- A Ghost is Born. I don't have the money to buy it yet and I had decided that was okay, but then after reading about it in six different magazines yesterday I felt slightly despondent. I found a way...that's right...through their site and Window's Media I can listen to it for free. Listen to not download. I'm on about track seven "Wishful Thinking" now. These pc speakers don't get loud enough. This listening experience will be far greater in the car. It's kind of the same thing as when you get a new album and have to ride home with a car full of people who won't stop talking. They have a right, you know, and its all fine but you force yourself to proceed with your listening experience. There really is no stopping yourself is there? This album is no disappointment, I just can't wait for the full effect. For me, that would also include holding the cd case and liner notes.

I'd like to catch you all up on the past five weeks of my existence. But, alas, that would require too many words. Perhaps I can hit the high points. School's out. Looked for jobs. Took one at unnamed teleservices company. Quit cause I refuse to scam people. Got pretty involved in church. Looked for jobs again. Listed everything I could gather on amazon. Sold my camcorder to Pawn City and a copy of Rubber Soul to Slippery Pete. Got increasingly depressed. At prayer meeting one night I began to understand my calling more clearly than ever before. Had a family reunion. On the way back made contact with phone book delivery guy. Took job there. Spent the next week and two days completing that route. Saw Jed and met Evelyn. Went to Tallahassee with Donna to meet up with her friend Jessica and some of her friends. Started going to Sunday school. For Father's Day we all played a game of putt-putt golf then ate at a BBQ place in town. Depression started to let up some. Realized I hadn't gone swimming in almost two years. Really began desiring to be immersed completely in water. Our manager at the phone book office gave Donna another job. Yesterday while she did that I spent the day at Books-A-Million. As soon as I finish this we are heading back into town to look for jobs again. Then at five we are going to Dothan's most exciting beach: Water World. Oh yeah and I have to find my swim trunks. So that's a lot I guess.

I'll be going now.

I Wanted To Get Up, But The Devil Made Me Sleep In

I had this really horrifying dream last night. I work up, it was the day after election day, and John Kerry had been elected President. In the dream, I was justifying moving some place for four years. Crazy. How's Canada in the summer?

Thanks to Rich, I got another chance at a Google Gmail account. He was nice enough to send me one of his invitations. So, I'm going to create a Gmail and a new Yahoo address.

Again, I need some assistance in suggestions for an email address. I have a few ideas, but I would like your take on some interesting words or phrases. Here's what I got:

melancholia@gmail.com
jeffyjeff@gmail.com
sadsong222@gmail.com
aberrant@gmail.com
solafide@gmail.com

"God never retains His anger one moment longer than we retain the cause of it." -- Thomas Adams

"We Are At War"

As of last week, one of my three credit cards have been paid off. One down, three to go. Yeah, it was the one with the lowest balance, but every financial person I've read or heard says you start with the lowest and work your way. Hopefully, within another month or so, I will have the second one paid off. I got hired at the other place I applied, but I felt like I should stay with Laurel Oaks. However, after these two bad nights, I seriously wanna make another decision...

When A Man Lies To A Woman

The song, When A Man Loves A Woman (performed by Percy Sledge), is one of my favorites. When it plays, I always get a comfortable and familiar feeling. I love it; the tune, the vocals, and the quality behind it's 1966 recording. And I understand that when you are in love, you say and do some pretty foolish things. It's all a basic expression of that wonderful feeling. However, the effect behind the many outlandish comments, pleas, and promises you make is astounding because most of them are in fact lies.

This song, basic to the post's premise, makes claims that most of us are not comfortable with. Yet, we forsake sensibility to live with deception. And for what? Basically, the ability to communicate love beyond anybody else's comprehension. "Baby, you've been in love before. But I'm gonna love you better than the last guy!" I guess it's recreating the word "love." But, this song just makes endless claims, that I believe, are just lies. Case in point:

When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nothin' else. He'd change the world for the good thing he's found.

I think I've been in love and I know I've certainly loved a member of the opposite sex before, but I can't ever not think about work that day, my outstanding debt, and all the other hindrances of life. Also, I really don't possess the ability to change the world on any scale. So, is it really true?

If she is bad, he can't see it; she can do no wrong. Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

This third line really sounds like 1 Corinthians 13 ("love keeps no record of wrong"). However, I'm not giving up my best friend if he talks smack. I might kick him in this fat little head though.

When a man loves a woman, he'll spend his very last dime tryin' to hold on to what he needs. He'd give up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain, if she said that's the way it ought to be.

Okay, I have no problem with poverty. However, if she is the type of lady that requires me to give her all of my money, it will not work out 'cause I don't make that much. Again, poverty isn't bad, but I wouldn't even be with a woman that said, "Hey boy, go sleep outside because that's how I want it." Maybe Percy would?

Well, this man loves you, woman. I gave you everything I have, tryin' to hold on to your heartless love. Baby, please don't treat me bad.

Sacrificial love? I don't think that's what this is an example of. Don't let a girl ruin you life and then beg for her to treat you like you want to be treated. Relationships are 50/50.

When a man loves a woman, down deep in his soul. She can bring him such misery. If she is playin' him for a fool, he's the last one to know.

This is another lyric I like. So true to life is this. However, when you find out, kick her to the curb! Don't be played! Letting her have her way isn't love, it's called being a feminist.

Lovin' eyes can never see. When a man loves a woman he can do her no wrong. He can never want some other girl. Yes, when a man loves a woman. I know exactly how he feels, 'cause baby, baby, you're my world.

Unfortunately, the frail and faultiness of man is too pertinent in my life. I can always see. I never see my faults though. I always mess up. Like, I could want to see other people. Life doesn't really work like this. Shouldn't it be more like the song says?

In Between Days

Please don't hang me for having incoherent thoughts and then publishing them onto the web.

In twelve days, I will be 24. Not really that exciting. Not really a big deal. Sometimes I feel 40. That's sad isn't it?

Only five days ago, I had been working full time for six months, at a real job, using my degree, semi-using my calling, and being completely independent of my parental figures.

In about six months, I will be packing up all my things and moving (by myself) to New Orleans, LA or Louisville, KY to do my Masters.

What is the one thing all these stopping points in my life have in common? Numbers (yeah yeah, my life, places, nouns, etc--these are all commonalities, but I'm specifically addressing #s).

Numbers are a big deal. They tell the who, what, when, where, why, and how about each day. They culminate all the events of your life into one logical formation. Every passing moment is another to chance to make a change in the formula. And at the end of your life, there is one final equation; albeit, good or bad.

I've been thinking a lot about this. I've previously written about what my life may bring five, ten, or twenty years down the road. At 23 and 3/4, I've decided that, instead of thinking about what I haven't done thus far in my life--as accomplishments, goals, and such--what are some of the things that I have not done that help make me who I am. What is it about me that makes me, me? What haven't I experienced that helps me have experience in other areas?

So, let's see: I've never broken any bones. Nor have I ever been on an airplane. I still haven't seen snow. I've also never been arrested, had any mistormeaner or felony charges brought upon me. I don't recall ever wearing leather. I certainly have never driven any sort of an exotic car. I've never been out of the country. I'm still holding on to my virginity. I also have never been skydiving. As I have wanted to, though, I've never been pierced, tattooed, or branded. With regards to want, still, I've never been published, written a movie script, book, playwright, musical score, or [written] anything more than forty pages. I don't recall ever playing cricket, jai lai, polo, or water polo, lacrosse, or even attempted synchronized swimming. Also, I never did any illegal substances other than marijuana. I never had to wear braces. I certainly have never had an out of body experience. And, like the rest of you reading this, I've never died.

Could any of these seemingly hypothetical (random or not) experiences have altered my existence, and thus caused my life to be in a different place, space, or time. Certainly. How come I am where I am? The will of God? All of my life, the many different failures, joys, hurts, scars, heartaches, trials, and successes make me who I am and equip me to deal with the things that occur.

Am I always right? Certainly not. Am I always wrong? Hardly ever, in my opinion. What's the point? Outside the realm of spirituality and destiny, life really is what you make it. In your conscience and in your heart, you have to live and deal with the truth, no matter how distorted your perception might be. Just because I've never done certain things, that doesn't limit me to be a less compassionate person. Also, just because I've had a few accomplishments, that doesn't give me the ability to accomplish unattainable goals. I've got to be who God wants me and what I know to be right. Truth will be absolute; whether I'm obtaining it or not. Just wait, you'll see. Hopefully, I will too.

Here. There. and Everywhere.
I've been working on this piece called, "The Thing I Like About Escalators" but to finish it would require more time than I can afford this evening. Besides I just wanted to say hi.

Before school let out and in the midst of procrastination I created a new weblog. I was at the time bogged down with school work and possibly not graduating as scheduled. In light of this Donna insisted that I not make this new thing public until the semester ended. Also, we both thought it would be helpful if I got back to writing first without an audience just so that what was written would be more organic.

I put this off necessarily for the purposes of finishing school: once and for all. Then I forgot/neglected the idea and continued not to write very much. That is...until the other day. I've been thinking to get a new email account and I finally took the time and signed up for Gmail.

I thought of the perfect email address: writemehere[at]gmail[dot]com

It was to complement the name of the new blog: I write here.

Simple. Pure. Not weighed down with pretentiousness. I am the subject. Writing is what I do. This is the place. I likened this to what music critics call a "back to basics record."

I've only written a few things there. But this, of course, is just the beginning. The beginning of something basic. I'm going away for the weekend. So I just wanted to tell you about my new internet playground. And invite you to leave me a message in my inbox. Show your support.

I took a lot of words to say a whole lot of nothing, but there you go, its what I got. Thank you.

Not That I Believe

Well, I don't necessarily care about what people think. But, I do like to know what people think. If your heart desires, I found the link to Blog Hot or Not. Trust me, I didn't vote the other 75 times, I promise!

I Dig The Night Life

My weekend has been quite nice. Anytime not working is, as always, a great experience.

Saturday, I woke up late and ate lunch/dinner with Jeremy and Dallis Gibson. It was very cool to talk to some old friends. Jeremy had to work, so Dallis and I hung out, talked about life, listened to music, and just enjoyed doing nothing. The best fun I could have with a married gal (I don't know what that means, but I'm too lazy to delete it).

Today, I got up late again. I went to the flea market and browsed the cool commerce of a local dirt mall. I had plans with my friend Teresa, but that wasn't until later. I swung my the Movie Gallery Outlet store and oh were my premonitions ever fulfilled. I was in there looking for about 10 minutes, just basically talking to the guy working. He asked me if I had anywhere to be really soon. I was like, "Uhh... no." He told me he needed to pick up his girl, so she wouldn't have to walk in the rain. He asked me if I could wait in my car for ten minutes or so. I said sure. He was ecstatic and told me he would give me a free CD. I didn't mind. He came back, thanked me again. I picked out my CDs. Knowing one of them was in the $5.99 rack, all the others were like 50% off $17.99-$18.99. The guy ended up giving me one free, and letting me have the other 3 for $5.99 as well. I got four records for $19.41. The albums I got were:

Sex Pistols- Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Sex Pistols
The Beatles- Please, Please Me
The Beatles- A Hard Day's Night
The Beatles- Magical Mystery Tour

Needless to say, I was definitely happy with losing twenty bucks. I will never find those new for that cheap again. I headed over to Teresa's work and we got some food and went back to her place. We talked about theology, music, current events, dissatisfaction with America, and all the while, we were being amused by her four dogs.

An enjoyable couple days off from work. I'm actually thinking and praying about switching occupations. More to come on that later. Well, what a better way to end a post about happiness with a poem about depression, or something:

I'll Never Make That Left Turn Again

Crowded streets, even for tonight
People waiting to find their way home by a light

A recognizable encounter I always endure
Worrying about things that I cannot control

There is so much to be afraid of
And so little to believe in

Even more, there is only a modest amount I comprehend
But, I know things like my own sin

Is there someone I can befriend?
Or are things like helping someone out lost from within?

On this road that seems endless
Captivated by something as stupid as bliss

I prepare for what lies beyond tonight
A time when this will seem like something better

Waiting at red lights, troubled thoughts about getting hit
All by my lonesome, here I still sit

"You could keep my fingernails clean."

There is grit underneath every one of my fingernails. I've just realized a sore on my lower lip. As a human being I desire to communicate with other human beings. This kind of information like that about my gritty fingernails and lip may amount to all I have to share. This blogspot address is the location I have where I can connect with people. You are my endearing audience. You could be one person. You could be one tribe. You could be a nation. There really is no way of knowing. Sure there are such things as sitemeters and even devices which tell how many times a particular post was read but really these are only numbers. I couldn't say I know the inhabitants of our world even though I can count their heads. Shall we limit our experience with one another to a mere head count? I should hope not. Let's be alive together. So, is there grit under your fingernails? Tell me or I'll never know.

To Assume Too Much

I got this idea from Alex.

Take five books off your bookshelf.
Book #1 — first sentence
Book #2 — last sentence on page fifty
Book #3 — second sentence on page one hundred
Book #4 — next to the last sentence on page one hundred fifty
Book #5 — final sentence of the book
Make the five sentences into a paragraph.

Eighteen and a half centuries ago, and the land which now lies desolate—its bare, grey hills looking into ill-tilled or neglected valleys, its timber cut down, it's olive— and vine-clad terraces crumbled into dust, its villages stricken with poverty and squalor, it's thoroughfares insecure and deserted, it's native population well-nigh gone, and with them its industry, wealth, and strength—presented a scene of beauty, richness, and busy life almost unsurpassed in the then known world. Morton used the melodies of folk standards and then added lyrics of his own, based on events like these, to make a political point. To sum up, my argument has been that having a right to life presupposes that one is capable of desiring to continue existing as a subject of experiences and other mental states. Our contention here, then, is that the language of Christian theology is cognitively meaningful, for its truth status in that of a metaphysical system. One day we shall all be gathered in that great concert hall of God, and we will hear the glorious beauty of the concerto God was playing while you and I plunked out our childlike version of "Chopsticks."

1. Sketches of Jewish Social Life by Alfred Edersheim
2. Down The Highway: The Life of Bob Dylan by Howard Sounes
3. Ethics For Modern Life by Raziel Abelson & Marie-Louise Friquegnon
4. Christian Theology (2nd Edition) by Millard J. Erickson
5. Dangerous Wonder by Mike Yaconelli