I miss the days when chest hair was cool.
It is the Alpha of the Omega, that is to say the beginning of the end. El fin de que? I speak of the end of my time here in Graceville as a student of the Baptist College of Florida. These college years 1999-2003 are second in personal growth only to those high school days of yonder. And to be honest, there hasn't been more growth there than here.

I swear I've been counting down, all my life. For the entire last semester of high school I kept a count of actual days, school days, the number of Sundays, the number of classes, the total number of hours spent in every particular school related chore and activity. Everyone consulted me to know exactly what we were down to. I was counting down to escape and to a brand new life. I think I've made a pretty good run for it. Here's to me.

On that famed graduation stage I felt a bit of sorrow stir within me. I wished I had been a better student. I wished for at least 30 minutes that I had sucked up to my algebra teacher somehow to earn those 30 extra points to pass Algebra II. That class didn't stand in the way of me graduating but those points were all I lacked to get my Advanced Diploma. Yeah, I regret it. I made a vow to myself to do better. Whether it surprises you or not, I think I have. But it's taken me awhile to believe that.

I did do better...and right off the bat too. I got all A's and B's my premier semester of college. Go me. But it didn't last. A lot of personal grief and self-doubt kept me from caring enough to invest the time needed to do well. Some days all I could imagine was dying some horrible death, running face first into some perpetual black hole. I guess I was afraid of hell, even though I accepted Christ years ago.

Since then me and God have gotten all of that worked out. In the meantime, I began to bear a lot of guilt about how poorly I had done as a student. I, even up until recently, felt trapped by this perception I had given people. I've been working hard on my classes, the past year at least. So much of the trouble must have been learning how to be a student. Another funny problem is that most of the time when I am faced with a new assignment, like say a paper, ambition is what kills me. I set a ridiculously high standard for myself because I wanted to dispell all those dirty rumors that circumvent the Graceville skies about me.

Lately, I've actually started to feel like I deserve this degree. That is, as much as deserving goes. Feeling like I hadn't earned it has often made me want to drop out. Last semester some crazy things happened. Professors started to act approving of me as a person and student. I no longer feel like I have anything to prove or disprove. The finish line is in sight. Little bits of my life are starting to fall into place. It's neat to see the puzzle make some sense. Like, I'm marrying Donna and I think I'm going to pursue a master's in English. Maybe we will live in Birmingham. Maybe I'll be a local rock star. Maybe I'll get to open for Jed's band. I don't want to know the future, but it's neat to get a glimpse.

Anyway, I'm going to go now. My back is hurting from sitting in this chair for so long.
Later on Voltaire.