Those Three Little Words

I am just tired of this seemingly pointless profession I'm in, so I took Friday off. It was a nice break from the daily drudge. I ran some errands and I got some things accomplished. Mind you, some inferring not all. Today has been an emotional day. I don't know why. It's mostly due to the fact that I am not in love. Rather, I'm in love with the concept, but nowhere near finding the actuality of such a feeling. I'm desperately seeking to find something, and at this point, I don't care what it is.

Cue introspection:

First, you must have sad music at some point. Check. All day actually. Secondly, something to make you seem deeper than you are. Check. Case in point: I bought cigarettes today. Newport. I'm usually a Marlboro Lights kind of fellow, but I felt reminiscent of 12th grade, so I went with the menthols. In case you didn't know, but I've been an off and on smoker since sixteen. Next, something to make you feel good. Check. I really enjoy Diet Pepsi. It's cool and it's refreshing. Good thing I'm not addicted to alcoholism like I am caffeine or I'd be writing about something else.

Okay, I'm ready to expound and open up--so here it is, the main point--my love life has been hit or miss, all of my life. Sigh. There, I said it.

Chase and I used to joke with Justin whenever he wrote a post about love. I don't know why we did. He made good points. I guess I would have liked to believe that I had it all figured out. Now I know different. I know nothing. Fantasy doesn't dictate reality. I live in make believe and ignore the actual world around me. It's funny, but I've been doing it for a while.

As I think about my friend's relationships, I make jest of their quirks, fights, and other intricacies. I promise myself I don't want my own to end up like theirs. But, then again, Jerry Springer is playing in the background and I really don't believe it, but I especially don't want to ever be involved in anything like that. So, maybe I should be thankful of my friends' examples. And I am. I once wrote that if it need be, I know I could make it with just God and me. But, I don't want to. I wanna have somebody to call my own. I guess I am still waiting.

Back to the point. This isn't some new, self-revelatory vision. It's more like I am finally able to admit my true sin. I lust. That is all I care about. Here is the factual scenario. I like a girl. We become friends. We pursue a relationship. For whatever reason, that doesn't work out. Then, I do one of two things: I either, A) act like I'm 12, pretend to not like her because she didn't like me like that, and ruin a potential great friendship, or B) still try to get to know her, and pretend that the feelings don't matter, but it's only for the sake of a possible make out.

It's true.

Though it's hard to admit, possibly every unsuccessful relationship I've had with a girl ends with one of these two outcomes. I'd like to think I have more character or even tact than this, but that would just be another fabrication.

But I do know that I can change this. Through prayer and steadfast discipline, I can become the lover I want my wife to need, whomever she could be. I don't want to be a cliche. I'm stupid. I'm horny. I cannot help myself sometimes. But, I really hate to feel like this. I really hate giving up before I even start. I hate being a slave to my flesh. I hate being addicted to girls. Wow, I go from talking about love to talking about lust to talking about faith. Ironic. Even for a sinner like me...

"Terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives. Drowning in the pools of other lives. Rely a bit too heavily on alcohol and irony. Get clobbered on my courtesy. In love with love and lousy poetry. And I'm leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense. And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play. But it almost feels okay."
Aside by The Weakerthans.