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Jeff Watkins
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"Sing Again"
"Lullaby"
"Kill"
Ticket To Ride
"When Sorrow Falls"
Just In Case You're Not Affected By The Economic C...
These Are Not The Basketball Diaries
My Mind Says No, But My Body Says Yes
Enough with the 'Happy New Years' Already!
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Monday, March 30, 2009

I Need Some Time

Song lyrics, poems, and the sentiments written by others are the most useful things I possess. Matter of fact, I will make a career of it. By doing research and reading other people's words, I will somehow tell others what these men and women meant in their writings. Nuancing those thoughts in such a way to come up with a semi-new idea, I will publish it; for this is a doctoral dissertation. I am not there yet. I may never get there. But as the last several posts of songs have indicated, it's all I've got now. It's sort of ironic: I will write a lot in my life and now, when the written word matters most, I have very few thoughts to convey.

I need a break. A break from all the brokenness. Truth be told, all the disaster I experience in life comes from these two hands. Wiser men have said the things I echo. Here is where my heart is and here it shall stay. If you want to keep in touch with me, you know how. I suppose I already keep in touch with those who matter most anyway. Most of my words here have been written to showcase my so-called intellect or to boast about my ability to capitalize on people unaware of deals by selling them reduced cost items on the web. I cannot come up with anything original. I have failed my doctoral dissertation defense.

Of all the people no longer in my life, the ones that felt like they had to leave, I always viewed their actions as their own choosing of the consequent. Now, I know, I was the one who alienated them. Misfortune is not the enemy, nor is misused intention. The true killer of life and love is a lack of concern for somebody else. I have killed before and I may kill again.

Andrea once left a package of disposable douche on my car and laughed at the intended humor (because I often joked about being such a thing). She was right, though. I am a douche. That's it. I should not have taken offense at the time but merely laughed like she did at first. A leopard cannot change his spots now can he? Given a chance to prove I'm not a spotted-creature, what do I do? I do nothing. Or, rather, I do the exact same thing that one may predict for me to do. Chase told me being predictable isn’t a crime. So, I attest that a leopard cannot change his spots.

At the end of the day, I never profess to be perfect. Hell, I never really try to be perfect. But, therein lies the dilemma. As the old King James Bible says, "Be ye perfect, as I am perfect." Even though humanity fails, the measure of a person is in the attempt, not necessarily the victory. If I had shown one iota of compassion to the many people who chose to love me, I might still be able to rely on them. I have learned more about Christianity from people who really didn't claim to be Christians.

These are the words that currently resonate within my heart:

Death Cab For Cutie - "We're not the same, dear, as we used to be. The seasons have changed and so have we. There was little we could say and even less that we could do. To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you." ("The Ice Is Getting Thinner")

Jeremiah 17:9 - "The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it?" (Bible, American Standard Version)

Pedro The Lion - "My old man always swore that Hell would have no flames. Just a front row seat to watch your true love pack her things, and drive away." ("The Poison")

Postal Service - "You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex. A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting. And, I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving." ("The District Sleeps Alone Tonight")

The Juliana Theory - "Everything I have in mind, it begins to fade away. I searched for it and I longed for it and now I know it's gone. Everything has slipped away. And I'm so overwhelmed. Everything that rests upon my shoulders fell. I would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves, I'm sorry. And everyone I've held in my arms, I believed I've pushed away. I would be there if I could be there.
But as it stands, I'm gone. Everyone has slipped away. Don't be overwhelmed. Everyone that loved me more than I could tell, I'm sorry. There's a private Hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves. Everyone has slipped away. Everyone has slipped away. Everyone has slipped away. Everything has slipped away. ("As It Stands")

Give up, Jeff.

posted by Jeff Watkins at 2:47 PM

4 Comments:

Blogger Drea said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:56 PM  
Blogger Drea said...

Don't ever give up. Please. Even if it feels like you're miles away, each step closes the gap. You may be a leopard but even a leopard isn't strictly bound to BE any particular thing. Be out of the ordinary. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrvu7P1Sp24-- Even the most dangerous beings can still care and be (BTW, I couldn't find the video of the lioness that kept kiddnapping antelope babies to raise as her own)

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Tara said...

Perhaps it's very pretentious of me to think that this would be of any consolation to you, but you've not alienated me. I just wanted you to know that. Even though we don't talk much anymore, I still consider you one of my truest friends. Don't give up; whether you believe it or not, you're too good for that.

12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how random that i came across your post! i don't know you but your writing says so much. i must be honest, i feel your conclusion is incorrect. too much of a leap from reality, the real you. try as you may, it doesn't fit. you are aware and feeling, it's a blessing compared to so many who are "out to lunch." rejoice in your awareness. it may seem like a double edged sword but you are closer to the truth. it's not easy, i know. from a new friend

12:56 AM  

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