if only i knew what to do

my life moves on
and i want it to stop
i want to push the pause button
and make it hold still
but that's not going to happen
and really, what would it solve
expendability is a clue
things like this only matter to those who allow it to

how do i go about writing
with the purpose of the angels
revealing myself in hidden form
a view that's not really noticeable
or detectable
and how do i let you know everything i want to say
without having to say one thing
i need to get this off my chest, fast

do i lay my head down to sleep tonight
only to forget the troubling thoughts
that are causing my heart to hurt
or do i rest with my problems
and allow them to keep me awake
and follow the only course of action to take
which is swallowing enough pills to forget the problem ever existed
that will only give me more dilemmas

i want to be right
but not about the petty stuff
about how i'm living rightly
and doing all i need to
to help those who need my help
not because i'm some special solution or a hero
but because it's what i ought to do
and living like the former is just way more tiring

but when do i reach the point
when i get to confess all of my troubles
when others problems outweigh mine
and issues like my self-esteem don't mean much
compared to the real calamity that others live through
when does it happen
somebody tell me when i can move on

do i need advice
or counseling
or medicine
or just to get away from sin
do i care about these problems
or only the solutions
is asking too many questions
a form of hysteria

clue me in
so when i speak emphatically
i will know all the information prior
this is my goal
to shut my mouth more
and to think through the issues
will i suceed
or will i be defeated
will I ever learn how to be
more than just me