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Jeff Watkins
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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Childlike or Childish?

It's often said by those who say things that folk listen to that being childlike is a compliment. The Bible says that faith like a child is what God considers Christ-honoring. But when someone calls another person childish, fists fly. Why? I have been called many things in my life but childish is one that is not too often taken graciously. Matter of fact, I act out negatively toward it. Why?

The crux of the issue is that when I'm called childish, it makes me feel like I'm being a child. There is more going on within me though. Let's take a trip down memory lane.

When I was a kid, I got in trouble all the time for running my mouth. Even if I wasn't saying something bad or telling a lie, I just always talked. It was tough for me, it really was. I got N's in conduct grades in grammar school because I always ran my trap. As I grew up, I never got a hold on it. I learned to just shut up, but I never figured out how to disconnect the hose that runs from my brain to my mouth. I think, pun possibly intended, that I think more thoughts than the general public. Perhaps this isn't the case. I have no real way of knowing. I'm too lazy to do the research and see if brain activity is dependent on psycho-social contingencies or if it's a matter of personal body chemistry. I don't know, but I do know that I think a lot of thoughts at any given second. And I'm not trying to tout my own thoughts as unique, intelligent, or important; I just think a lot.

It does, however, typically get me in trouble. And it's seemingly all the time. Whether I come off like a know-it-all, a dick, a jerk, a child, whatever, I get in trouble. I alienate friends. Coworkers develop a disdain for me. Hell, even total strangers are apparently put off by the fact that my shoes have holes in them.

I digress. My mouth is what gets me in trouble. I suppose my actions do it more, but my mouth is what makes the trouble arise. Even if I wrong someone, telling them that it's there fault or they made me do it causes the matter at hand to become more of an issue. If I would just accept what I did, apologize, and say that I'll work on not doing it again, then it might not even really matter that I did something deplorable in the first place. But I don't. I do some sketchy thing then I use my mouth to defend it (as if I had any real defense to stand on). I'm 29 and still I must confess that I get into trouble. Nobody else gets into trouble unless they get a DUI or get fired for looking at porn at work. I don't know anyone else.

Won't something just click within me that allows me to function on the level that my age dictates I should be at. I act childish because in many ways I'm a child still. I buy records over shoes. I work a job that is somewhat below me given that I have felt a calling to a path that required me to seek higher education. I blame everyone but myself for the choices I make. Christ help me!

Then even as I know the right way or thing to do, I still operate on the wrong frequency. I always choose the bad. Not always. I make the right choices some days. Is everyday a day that goes by that I, Jeff, can actually not sin? For me, I don't think I'm capable.

So, as I stated, when someone calls me childish, I feel like I haven't experienced maturation beyond the age of 15. Thus, I act like that. I kick or throw things. I act like a child. I'm sorry for acting like a child, friends.

I'm working on it.

posted by Jeff Watkins at 5:43 PM