The Scariest Things

There is a house
It’s not like the rest
Something for everyone
People say it’s the best

It’s up on a hill
More like a tiny mound of fill
Using every resource they can obtain
To make it seem bigger than the pain

I hear their words
Their sighs are seen
As in the cold breeze
Forging what they mean

Differences shape that space
A lawn that seems replaced
Dirt for nothing and some grass
Piloting over my own stubborn ass

Because you cannot take a camel
Into the city air
It’s that same old feeling
You’ve doubted to share

The darkness lurks throughout this place
Life never seeming to embrace
Things that live and the people whom grow
All of it for nothing, just trophies to show

Mistakes are constantly made
Blackness covers all of its color
You wonder who would live in this dire place
It’s me, there is no other

God Teaches Jeff Something New

Lesson # 3,653,487

So, I had that interview today at Ramsay Youth Services. I went not expecting much. I thought I had reason too. God, however, had bigger plans for me. I did get the job as a Mental Health Technician. At first, it’ll only be a part-time and on call job, but I'll still get 32 hours usually. Then, when something comes available, I will have the opportunity to get something full-time because they hire from within first. So, it's a really good day for me and my debt. I don't actually start until December 8th because I have to do orientation first and that’s the nearest date in which they do orientation. So, I rejoice now because God is faithful, even when I'm faithless.

Nothing New

Today, I have a job interview. I remember when that seemed like a big deal.

The Joys of Unemployment

...and a few extra bucks--

If I had to pick one specific food item that I would never want to live without, I would have to go with the McDonald's Egg McMuffin. It's just so tasty. I'm going to go get me a couple in an hour or so.

Relevancy

I talked to my friend Thais today. She hails from Switzerland. Even though we didn’t talk about this today, I can’t help but think about being relevant to the world around me. Thais and I have discussed the pros and cons of Christian post-modern thought and what being a person in a progressive culture entails. Although, I don’t always agree with her (albeit, I don’t ever agree with anyone), she makes some really good points. I think it’s sensible to conclude that as Christians, we are called to be significant to those around us in our homes, families, communities, counties, states, etc. Why does the world change us? Why do we wait for the "times to change" before we do something? Shouldn’t the church’s job be to spread the unchanging absolute truth to the very changing relativistic world? I’m thinking purely on the notion that I haven’t been an applicable person with views that are pertinent to the people in my hood. Some might ask, "What if those who you are trying to reach don’t care?" I don’t remember anyone, anytime in scripture worrying about that. We are commanded to spread the Gospel, not to think about doing it. I say this to myself before I say it to anyone else.

Life In My Neighborhood

I live in government housing. I don't technically know the name of it, but to the locals, we call this particular sect The Hood. As I was driving on Sanders Avenue yesterday (the road to get to my street), I drove by to see a man sitting down on his porch and urinating onto the ground from his porch. I frantically looked away only to think aloud, "I just saw that guy's &*#%!" This truly is the hood.

Enjoy Death Tonight Because You May Have To Live Tomorrow

Dissatisfaction with life invades loads and loads of my time everyday. Time that is much needed on other ventures and activities. But, I never learn from my past mistakes and I spend more time avoiding the possible enhancers then trying to do something constructive. I wrote a post a few weeks back about being discontent with your momentary placement in life. Now more than ever, I am still wallowing in my own pity. It's not pretty. Matter of fact, it’s downright stupid and revolting. Why would anyone ever find friendship with me an attractive, appealing thing? I guess we all did drugs at fifteen.

Tonight, I was talking to a friend named Lauren and I was discussing the seemingly endless possibilities to write about (more like the lack of). She suggested writing about the good that has been going on in my life. Instead, I chose to take a different approach and write about how I'm too childish to realize what is good in my life.

Several things, as trivial and simplistic as they are to the world around me, have been on my mind a lot lately because they are important to me. Friendship is the first. I am grateful for the friends I have. I wouldn't be able to make it through some days without them. But I decided a long time ago, if it was just God and I, I would be fine. Maybe I wouldn't have come to that conclusion if I were just thankful for the things that I have. Instead of having staunchly erred thinking and saying, why do I have to put up with some of these people, I should be thankful all these people put up with me. And, I am. I need to be more thankful.

My ego is another bitter cup to take. Pride kills and it is an endeavor of sin that I never want to be on. Matter of fact, I pride myself on how unprideful and egocentric I am not. Did you catch that? I don't flee from stupidity; I just jump in feet first. I've been told here recently, quite a bit I might add, that I always have to be right. In anything and everything. Of course, I argue this charge, but when it comes down to it, that's just another example of this idiocy I display. Why must I always be right? Why must I have to share my opinion on everything? Uhh... It bothers me so much. I bother myself more than others. Well, actually, that's probably not true because I do enjoy hearing myself talk. But, I can confess that my own pride rips the limbs from my life as well as the relationships in my life. Who wants to hang out with me? Not even I do? But what sucks about that is, I can't get away from myself.

Please don't think I'm just looking for sympathy. I'm not trying to say, "Poor silly Jeff, he needs his friends to put up with him." I'm just trying to write the things I think when no one is around. The point of this site is to express the personal matters that make up our days here on earth. Life is so limited. None of us are guaranteed any more time than we’ve already had. I make up what I already waste with more trash. I limit myself. I limit what I do by just taking up space. Perhaps, I will grow. I usually don't worry about myself in this manner. But, now that I've been aware of this, I should hope that I would change myself for the better. Maybe, I can just be alone for a while...

"Hammers and nails I've used them for building my face this time tomorrow. When I see you again outside. And inside I can hide my sorrow. Talking in such a dirty way found a way I could come back. Catch your eye it's just the same as reminding me of what I wanted. Its what you are. " The Appleseed Cast, Dreamland, from End of The Ring Wars.

Holiday Everyday

We citizens of the world are big on celebration. Most times we don't care if we got anything worth celebrating or not. We're here for the party. As long as the days of the week end in "y" we'll find something to throw our hands in the air and "woo-hoo" about. All we need is something to give us that emotional high so we can forget our troubles.

This is not to say that there's no call for celebration. There's plenty. Life. Breath. Togetherness. Prozac. You know, all that stuff. But why fill a book with things to be happy about? If we need such a book I'm concerned that maybe we're not really happy to begin with. Every Good and Perfect Gift is from God. Can't we just be happy with Him? We have a problem with this. We'd rather thank the leaves for falling.

I like a lot of things in this world. I like the way leaves crunch under my feet in the autumn months. I like turkey and Dorito sandwiches. I like stuffed animals and odd happy meal toys. I like Nick@Nite. I like breaking rules. I like tricking people. I like getting new music and subjecting friends to it. I like arguing about fanship with Jeff. I like a lot of things, but if my happiness could be maintained by them I would be a sad man.

Our definitions of happiness can be so fragile. When dreams are shattered we get new dreams. When people leave or die on us we make new friends. When heroes disappoint us, we find someone else to look up to. When all else fails we opt to take joy in the simple things like coffee or the night sky.

Happiness is nothing short of knowing God. Stop rewriting the definition. You only do that to convince yourself you're happy when you're really not. You do it. I do it. We all do it. And if we don't stop we'll continue to be miserable. So I encourage you follow this definition and Get Happy!

Boys Don't Cry

Don't you really just despise the game of phone tag? No, not freeze tag, phone tag. You know, when you call someone and leave a message, they call you back and you're not there, so they have to leave a message. You return their phone call and then, yep they're not home. So, when they get your message they immediately try and of course, you're not there. So on and so forth. I'm playing right now with a friend. I think we're tied.

"And this phone tag game is endless. The novelty is wearing." Dashboard Confessional