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to whom it may concern


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Jeff Watkins
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To Whom It May Concern My name is Charles Emery...
Just letting you guys know....I had a good post fo...
Beta Testing Ah, newness at last! I spent ...
Your Words Are Better Than Mine Ripping pages f...
Biblicist, Communism, and Forgiveness The title...
Power Lloyd I wanted to be Power Lloyd. I was go...
To Whom It May Concern 2.0 There will finall...
Dat's Just Da Life of A Hoodlum My day starts ...
Card Games All the cards have been dealt C...
Lessons In Counseling The cool breeze of winter...

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Sunday, February 09, 2003

Is This Love That I'm Feeling

This could be considered the week of love. Valentines Day is upon us my friends. In a few short days we will be subjected to bubbly happy couples celebrate with wine and roses, or if your baptist.. grape juice and roses! It's funny to me how on this day (of Feb. 14th) that all couples tend to morph into "Price is Right" contestants in some way or another. They are all giggly, and "I love you" and all over each other. Do we really have to be subjected to all of this? I guess I just look at them in disgust,not because they are in a happy relationship, but due to the fact that they insist on letting EVERYONE know that they are in a relationship. ( I'm not saying thats the absolute here, but just speaking from my own experiences) I am just not happy for them at all. Don't get wrong or call me heartless, I am glad that they are happy. But do I have to be happy FOR them? Can't they be happy without my seal of approval? Their happiness does not put me on some higher plain of exsistence or anything like that, so I see no point in sharing in their happiness. Yes I am bitter to a certian extent, I can (and will) admit that to you. I have not once had a girl on valentines day, and have barely had anything that most people would consider a thriving relationship. So I guess you could say love has eluded me so far.

Well, for those of you who are still with me, I could talk a little bit about love. My little rant could make me seem heartless and bitter towards a stupid holiday, which I assure you is not the case. My beef is with love. Or lack of love you might say. Those of you that know me, or read the site faithfully know that I speak about love alot. Most of the poems I have written on the site deal with love, or losing the love you once had. Theres a post that I am thinking of that is hidden away in our archives somewhere called "What I Miss" and it's basically me pouring my heart out explaining what I miss about having someone. So I get a little bummed around this time of year, since it seems like love is in the air, and I can't seem to ever breathe it in. My air must be filtered somehow.

For me, love is something I read about in books, or see in a movie. I am an Agnostic when it comes to love. I believe it exsists, but I have never had any firsthand experience. Ok, so thats not entirely true. I was in love once (maybe even twice), but I do not think it was true love. It was romantic love, and it was a deep love (at least on my part) but it cannot be true love. I think true love is undying, and lasts forever. True love is the kind of love that was shown in the film The Princess Bride, as a love that would always be strong no matter what the opposition. True love is when Jesus laid His life down for mankind, taking our sins as His own, and making a way for us to have a relationship with Him. True love is not waking up one morning and leaving your wife because of failures in your own life, or due to guilt. True love is not cheating on the person you say your in love with. True love is not shallow, it's not conditional, it's something far more than we can comprehend. My question would be: do any of us really have true love? Thats the kind of love I desire in my life, then kind of love I want my girlfriend to have. I don't want something that is temporary, I want it to last until one of us leaves this earth. But I see no good in myself, I see nothing but a dirty sinner. . I said that to say this: I honestly cannot see a girl who would actually want to be with me. Now, I do not mean that I have self esteem issues or anything like that. I am merely talking about how I see myself right now. I am not the person that I want to be, and I am not even trying to become him. I see the person that I have been in the past, and I look at my past relationships, and I don't see why a girl would want me after all of that. But I am trying very hard not to live in the past, because I know it's wrong. I try to see myself the way God sees me, as a new person, like I had never done anything wrong in my life. This is one of the many reasons I am not God, because I have the inablity to see myself the same way He does. I am trying though. As U2 put it...I still havent found what I'm looking for . More tomorrow.

posted by Justin at 9:36 PM


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