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Jeff Watkins
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Previous Posts

Finding God's Will, or Not Over the pas...
Unanswered Prayers Today, I took my CLEP test. ...
Not the Pepsi Challange I ran across this ar...
Somebody Somewhere I can't really write about w...
Forever Is Not A Wish Today has been a rather l...
As Tears Go By by The Rolling Stones It is th...
The Space Between Somwhere in between me tel...
Send Chicken Noodle Soup One year ago this day I ...
This One Time… One Year Ago Today This time las...
Happy Anniversary! So I tried to write t...


© To Whom It May Concern 2002-2010, except for cited or source material.

 

Friday, January 17, 2003

So Much to Say

I seem to be stagnant in my life right now. I know I should not look at things that way, but I can't help feeling like I have been going nowhere. The past 2 years have been unproductive in many ways, and I want it to stop. Life never seems to slow down, and things keep stacking up to somehow deter me from moving on with my life. Alot of this was my own fault, and I will be the first to tell you that I sat around and did nothing about the things I hated about my life. I wanted mr relationship with God to flourish, but I ignored His beckoning. I wanted to get my poetry published; yet they are still filed away. I wanted to stay out of debt, but instead I jumped in headfirst. I wanted to go to film school, but I let myself get stuck in a Bible college. Please do not get the impression that I am complaining or having self-pity on myself; in fact I know that God has used these circumstances to make me a better person, in spite of myself. I just wish I had learned the lessons sooner, as we all do.


The driving force that has fueled my ambitions for over 2 years now is fear of failure. I am so scared of not amounting to anything, and I know thats wrong to worry about something like that. I know I can succeed in whatever I do, but there is still that gnawing fear in the back of my mind. I think part of my reasoning behind this fear is the fact that I am just not content with the way things are right now. Lots of people tell me " Oh well you should be content with where you are right now, God has you doing this for a reason, so just be patient." I always wonder the same thing: Why be content? There really too much contentment going on in the world anyways. Everyone seem to be perfectly happy sitting around doing nothing, and going nowhere. I guess I am too idealistic to enjoy that lifestyle. I need to be out doing something with my hands, I have an urge to create, to make something lasting, even if it's just for me. Thats why film is so appealing. It will last forever, no matter how it is viewed. Some will love my films, and some will hate them, but what matter is: they are MY films. I need that in my life right now, something to call my own. Film is a way for me to express my thoughts on life, and how I view the world. It's a medium that is so full of possiblities and chances to create. If I could just be a part of something like that.....

Well I plan to. Basically I cannot just sit around and play video games, or watch movies all day long, and then go to school and work between all that. Where is that getting me? I am not THAT content with my life to just lay low and wait until something presents itself. I have things planned now, and I have to just go and do it. I see too many people lose sight of their dreams, and just settle for any old job, or any old degree. What happened to dreams and idealism? Check the trash can behind the local college, maybe you'll find some. I have noticed lots of college students graduate and still are doing the excact same thing they did before college. So what was the 4 years for? Seems like a waste of time to me. No sense in getting a degree that your not going to use. That is why I dropped out of college, there was no reason to stay. Now I am looking at Full Sail in Orlando, Florida, they have a very impressive 18 month film degree, so I am going to visit soon. Please pray that God provides the money and means to go there.

Off the subject. I miss getting emails, and I really need to write more. So anyone who feel the urge to email me, please do so. My email is warriorpoet2002@hotmail.com. It makes no difference what you wanna write to me about, I am pretty much up to anything, even if it's talking about Iraq vs. U.S. You can even tell me you hate the site and I am the worst writer since James Fenimore Cooper, but at least I will get an email. Sorry the post took so long, but I had alot to talk about. Hope you learned something, or at least killed some time.


posted by Justin at 5:22 PM

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